After a little heart-to-cement talk with stbx last night about why he continues to flirt with me, try to get me in the sack, and talk of the future while we both know he is pursuing his "relationship but not a couple" thing with Nurse Ratchet.<P>His answer: Flirting is fun...it changes the tone of our conversation and makes the divorce easier. As for s*x attempts, geez, I'm an attractive woman and he knows I'm good in bed...and the future talk...well, that was just in the "good fun" of the flirting process. <P>When I pointed out that us sleeping together would be him cheating on his girlfriend with his wife, he said he didn't know where exactly she fit in...but we were still married for a little while longer...<P>Funny...when he was justifying sleeping with her, he told me it was because our marriage was over in every way except the paperwork so he wasn't doing anything wrong.<P>My mistake was licking the crumbs he was throwing up off the floor where they belonged. When will I learn????<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

When men say "relationship" they mean "hookup with person X until something better comes along". <P>I don't think you're being thrown "crumbs". STBXH has problems, and doesn't know where he really is right now. Will you Plan A, or Plan B? Remember, you have children to think about. They may barely remember this little episode. A divorce will haunt them forever.<P>If he wants to sleep with you, tell him you need to be his one-and-only, and an honest woman (married to him). Those are the terms. Instead of anger at being tossed aside, project the certainty that sooner or later he will be begging you.<P>Unnappealing? Yes. But how do you want this to end? Victory as I see it would be an intact family for the children's sake, and him and you both cleaning up your acts.

Wow,<P>I'm in awe of his reasoning/logic in all this. I can't even think of an adequate adjective.<P>Sure flirting is fun and he has fond memories of intimate times with you. And maybe if he could give up his girlfriend and come home and work with you on building a stronger marriage he could have those good times back.<P><B>...and the future talk...well, that was just in the "good fun" of the flirting<BR>process.</B><P>I've not flirted in some time, but I don't remeber generating false hope as being one of the sub-specialties.<P><B>...but we were still married for a little while longer...</B> <P>This going to sound crass, but I lumped that in the same mentality as abusing a rental car before you return it. <I> "might as well get what I can, while I can" </I> (not that I consider you to be a "rental" car) <P>I can see that he's still in the fog, and I'm very sorry he's using you like this. No one deserves that kind of treatment. <P>I couldn't tell you right now whether to plan A, or plan B, and wouldn't even if I thought I did. I still think that almost all marriages are worth saving. <P>I wish I had some sage advice for you Lisa, but the best I can offer is my sorrow that you are being put through this, and my ferverent hope that your husband will see what is really happening and come back to his family.<P>Take care, I know how much you are hurting right now.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Sisyphus,<P>Plan B...definitely...except where we need to converse regarding the kids or the paperwork. I have been an emotional train wreck due to his dangling of "hope" carrots...I need distance and detachment to get through this...otherwise I'll be no good for myself or my kids.<P>Right now I feel/judge/surmise that every act of "friendship" on his part is just manipulation...pulling my strings...trying to protect his interests during the divorce process...he expects me to be vindictive because that's what Nurse Ratchet is doing to her stbx (that's right, neither of them are divorced yet).<P>I no longer trust his motives...I no longer trust my ability to discern the truth from his lies/justification when he talks to me...bottom line, I no longer feel it is safe to trust him with my any of my feelings.<P>The final straw? We close our conversation about why I will not be a part of some emotional triangle (or physical for that matter) and his very next topic is to ask me how I think he should approach introducing Nurse Ratchet to our kids...what a neanderthal! (My answer...the best approach would be to not do it...it's a rebound relationship for both and probably will not last...why drag the kids into it.) He just shook his head as if I were the unreasonable one and said it was time for him to go.<P>ARGGGGHHHHH! <P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>The final straw? We close our conversation about why I will not be a part of some emotional triangle (or physical for that matter) and his very next topic is to ask me how I think he should approach introducing Nurse Ratchet to our kids...what a neanderthal! (My answer...the best approach would be to not do it...it's a rebound relationship for both and probably will not last...why drag the kids into it.) He just shook his head as if I were the unreasonable one and said it was time for him to go.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you'll find a lot of evidence that kids shouldn't meet anyone the parent isn't 100% sure about keeping in "The Divorce Culture" <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0679751688/o/qid=979755880/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-1085279-8925318" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0679751688/o/qid=979755880/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-1085279-8925318</A> <P>Or it could be in one of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books. In any case, they shouldn't be meeting OW. And you should do your level best to convince STBXH of that, with whatever science you can bring to bear.<P>

I have read the same thing over and over again in a million different books, websites, etc.<P>But he won't listen to me on this topic because a)he thinks it's just about me being jealous of her and b)he sees it as me trying to control what he is doing as a "single" man. "He will not be controlled by me."<P>Science? Rational thought used as a means to determine action? Not in his fog.<P>Lisa