My H and I have been separated due to career choices for about 4 1/2 months. While he was away, my insecurity made us grow distant. He's cheated once before (2 yrs ago). Then I forgave and we agreed to reconcile. We didn't really talk about it much, but it was clear he chose the marriage over the other woman. I became pregnant (not planned) a year later. We have a beautiful 12 month old daughter. Anyway, my H came home for a few days before starting his new job 800 miles away. We talked and he said he needed space and was confused about his feelings. He says he loves me, but isn't "in love" with me. He doesn't want me to come live with him until he's sure of what he feels, because he doesn't want us to hate each other. I'm trying to be patient, but am emotionally distraught. I feel that I am hanging on to false hope. We've been married 6 yrs. He calls every night, sometimes crying because he misses our daughter. But he chooses for us to live apart. So it's obvious his problem is what he feels for me. I think he feels guilty for our daughter. But this is driving me crazy and I'm ready to end it all.

Welcome <B>yap25</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do go with him... anyway you can!<P>Without living together... it is much harder to heal/recover a marriage... and you want to give this as much a try as possible.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Give your marriage as much a chance as possible...<BR>...don't give up right away!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hang in there if you can. I think some of us wished we had tried harder in the beginning instead of throwing in the towel. I wish I had tried plan A but didn't know about it at the time.<P>Jen

You need to lead him to the conclusion that the best way for him to love his daughter is to love his daughter's mother. Plan A would be important here (regardless of the fact that you know of no affair ... you're working toward a reaffirmation of love perhaps, not an agreement not to be with someone else). <P>Feeling down and depressed is natural; but not immutable. Take immediate action to shore up your own mental defenses and capacity to take care of your daughter, etc.<P>Then make every interaction with him revolve around your daughter. "Wish you could have been here to see.... " (each and every milestone. If you think he's permanently in that other town, perhaps you can move closer (I have no idea whose career choices are more rooted, etc.); if not, maybe there is a way to help him move closer to you. Don't insist on anything, though. The key is attraction, not traction. The way he feels about you right now, you won't get any traction, just wheelspin.<P>There are a lot of workshops out there you could take together ... PAIRS, Retrouvaille, Harley's, Gottman's, etc. Check with your local churches, try to figure out how to cast your suggestion as something to help your daughter by improving your relationship, not as an effort to get back together. <P>If you weren't thorough about working through both the causes and the effects of that old affair, your marriage is like a heavily-damaged car with only superficial repairs. There are lots of things under the hood that don't work right, and it's probably not safe to ride around in. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to be in it (which is not to say he is blameless--but you have to be willing to cast blame aside if you want your marriage and an intact home for your daughter). <P>The challenge now is to convince him that it can be restored and put back on the road complete with that new car smell. Relax about how that happens; it won't happen overnight, and you can't force it to happen.<P>You need more help than this board can supply; but we're here as a sanity check, so don't forget us either.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by yap25:<BR><B>MBut this is driving me crazy and I'm ready to end it all.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is a difficult time for sure, but now is the time you need to be stronger than ever - stronger for your daughter, stronger for yourself and even stronger for your husband. The good news is that at least he feels confused - many spouses when they leave push any confusion they may have "out of their minds". But it sounds as if your husband does have some sense of commitment to both you and your daughter. Don't think he is only upset about your daughter - he is upset about your marriage as well. It is just easier sometimes to show his emotion for your daughter.<P>You need to be strong - not clingy. There is no need for any ultimatums right now. I agree with NSR that you both need to do all you can to live together if possible. While distance sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, I believe separation is usually only helpful as a last resort in a troubled marriage (barring any threat of physical or mental abuse).<P>Seek guidance, both individually and as a couple if possible. There may be some reminants of his affair still lingering in your marriage - especially if you both never fully addressed his mistake.<P>God bless you and your family.<BR>Mike<P>

I thinks he is full of it. He should grow up and take care of his family. I really dont understand what he is expecting from his wife and daughter. It seems to me that he has another love that takes care of his needs somewhere else. Its sad to say but is true. I went through that myself. He left and acted the same way. Until he got talked into getting together with the other woman, he kept saying that same quote, "I love you but I dont..." He did not come back and I dont think yours will either. I moved on with my life and Im happy as can be. He is somewhere else but I just wanted my kid to have a very happy and loving life. I just wanted to have you face the facts and realize that he will not and does not want to come home. He has been gone for too long and if he did not realize that his family misses and wants him back, then he will never do. Move on with your life, he seems to already have with someone else that he is not telling you.