My 11 yo D showed some profound sadness this past holiday season and several friends and family members said I should try counseling with her again. I took her to a child psychologist with our school district. This man happens to know me and my ex through a wine tasting group that we were part of for several years. According to the terms of our marital settlement agreement we are supposed to consult with each other about counseling, out-of-pocket medical expenses, religion etc.<BR>I told my ex about taking her to the counselor about a day or two in advance and he went ballistic on me. Said that I did not consult with him, that according to him "she is not showing any signs of our divorce affecting her at all" and does not want to pay for half of something he feels is not necessary. <P>How do you handle these types of issues when one parent thinks it is necessary and the other doesn't? My ex backed down when I said I would pay for the sessions. I also suspect that knowing that this counselor is someone he knows pushed a major button in him because now this counselor knows our dirty laundry. (Briefly my ex left me for a fellow co-worker about a year ago - they are getting married next weekend). My ex is not a believer in therapy - doesn't see how talking about your childhood can help you in any way.<P>I don't want to just give in to him every time he objects to some expense but I don't want to deprive my daughter the care that I think she needs. Any ideas?

What does your divorce decree say? <P>I'm sure there is something in there about consulting with the other parent. Additionally, it should say that one parent has the final say. Is that you? As far as the expense, I don't know. It depends on how it is written.

I am in a similar bind, meaning, that my X dislikes shrinks, etc, and kids have picked that up. But yet, both kids, 8 & 11, still sleep in her bed because she <<is an alien in people clothes and she knows that!>><P>Now i have to bring this up to a counselor. I have to continue to tell her how to promote and teach responsibility and independence.<P>My X said the same thing, and my response was, "If you think that kids can handle divorce just fine, you don't have a clue."<P>she agreed to support whatever i decided, and the counselor then splits us with the kids alone then us alone on parenting issues. Yes, there is a huge difference in parenting issues, one that she couldn't handle my teaching them responsibility and independence and respect. <P>So now with just her, they learn some very rude, crude ways of relating. My response was "I see x,y and z, and you, X, can't see this because you are not here when it happens. Therefore, because it happens, I am taking my daughter to a counselor!"<P>and don't back down!

Well, this is tough because my stbx and I are just beginning to travel the road of not agreeing on what is best for our kids (up til now, we've pretty much always been in agreement for 15 years).<P>Mine also states that the divorce and subsequent cramming OW's presence down kids' throats willl have no lasting adverse affects...he usually adds "unless I make it an issue" which is a way to set me up to be blamed when they do have the inevitable scars. Just more denial and justification and fog on his part - I refuse to accept.<P>Anyway, on things that will cost us both $$ and/or time, we have verbally agreed that two "yes's" mean yes and one "no" means no. In other words, one parent can't hold the other parent financially or time commitment hostage. However, if the one parent wants to pay for something (like counseling) all on their own, and use only their own time commitment, and it will not harm the children...frankly, the other parent doesn't have a legal leg to stand on.<P>I think for non-custodial men who pay child support, the idea of expending any more $$ for anything that is not their idea is HUGE - they feel that their wallet is out of their control...it really is an issue about control and not what is best for the kids. Can you maneuver/wiggle/manipulate him into believing it's his idea? Then you might get more cooperation.<P>Good luck (you'll probably be advising me next week on this very issue) !<P>Lisa

I paid for all of my kids counseling because it was covered under my EAP(employee assistance program). X did pay the co-pay a couple time when she took our d but didn't the last couple times so I had to pay it on last visit.<P>I would rather pay it and take the kids myself because then I could talk to counselor. I didn't trust x because she said the same things about divorce not affecting the kids.<P>This is were I screwed up in my divorce. X pays me $400/month and I pay pretty much everything else. I have the eye doctor direct bill her for my d's contacts but I am supposed to pay so much for it, but since I pay for everything else, I say screw it. <P>She will take the kids to the drs but won't go get the prescription filled so I have to go and then I have to pay.<P>Now you've got me mad again and thinking about getting more child support.