I am like your wife. I don't need it much. If you read my post "cross-dressing husband" you might think it is a response to that. I started my relationships with a strong appetite for sex. Sometimes, I think it is that I have fallen temporarily out of love with my husband. The relationship goes through cycles of love, friendship, HATE, friends, love,... But ever since I had my baby I am too tired for sex. I am a working mom. <p>Sometimes I think I withhold sex as a punishment. I know it is stupid b/c I enjoy sex, so I am punished too. I don't know about your wife, but I feel guilty when I don't give in to his need. I am afraid of what it will do to him or us. I know he has spent extra time in the shower during dry spells.<p>The best way for me to explain it is that I feel my needs aren't met outside of the bedroom. So, that makes me turn off to him. I want to make him happy, but I also want him to make me happy. He has done a lot of lovebusting in the past year and the sex life has suffered.<p>I still think it is cruel to withhold sex even though I do the same thing. He doesn't have the energy to clean the garage. I don't have the energy to have sex. I guess that is how I rationalize it. I want to be a better wife and I am sure he would be a better guy if I fulfilled his needs. It really frustrates me when he doesn't do what I want. But that is not the same ( you can't really compare sex to cleaning). Sex for men is a necessary form of expression of love. It is cruel for a wife to withhold sex.<p>I feel sorry for you, because I know how hard it is for me to change, and I think it will be hard for your wife. One thing is for sure, I don't like to be pressured for sex. I have enough pressures. Sometimes I think I am not horny because I am just depressed and stressed. Maybe your wife just isn't very happy, and you need to work on that first. One person cannot improve your sex life and your relationship. Your wife will need to compromise.<p>She really should see a marriage counselor with you (one that you both agree on). It sounds like she is afraid of getting ambushed or blamed for something by a counselor. Or, maybe she is hiding something? She should be willing to go if you make her understand that you are not going just because you aren't having sex. If you aren't having sex there is probably a reason (lovebusting, depression, health problem). <p>I am a lot like your wife, but I have to have it more that a few times a year.<p>I know I would have sex with my husband if I came home to a clean house, dinner made, baby at my mom's house, dinner made, laundry done, yard work done, and he gave me a nice foot rub. That would make me so very happy. I would do anything he wanted (except let him dress like a girl). I am so busy all the time. I always have something nagging at me that I have to do: sex, laundry, sex, dishes, sex, change a diaper, sex, etc. I used to have all these sex fantasies, now my fantasy involves a clean house, and some time to relax. If I could just do that for a while and get relaxed makeing love would not be a problem. <p>I hope things start improving for you.

Bruce and Doug,<p>The two of you are on a roll. LOL Sure I'm game. You can all of the blood from me you want, I'm not using any of it. My dad could do the work for us. LOL<p>Tommywife,<p>I was like this from the moment we met and not until the last two months has it been a problem. Like I said in a different post, I solve one problem and create three. Oh well. Back to the drawing board. Good luck to you.<p>Steph<p>

I've been considering marriage to a woman I know for some time.<p>Sex between us is great, but if she got sick of sex (which I don't think she will. She likes it. Not that I'm any hot shot... it's just she simply likes sex 3/4 times a week) I seriouly consider splitting.<p>This was the problem I had with an ealier woman. To her sex was a chore. I mean it's a real turn-off when a woman says, "please hurry up and finish."<br>

John:<p>Don't you LOVE it when they talk dirty to you?<p>I think that a woman saying: "Please hurry up and finish.", would suddenly make it difficult to finish at all, if you catch my meaning.

Jokesters: (Doug, John, Steph)<p>The difference between a girlfriend, a lover, and a wife? (No you sex-loving wives, I know this is a stereotypical joke, but I think the atmosphere begs for it.)<p>is that a girlfriend says: "Are you done yet?"<p>A lover says: "Are you done already?!"<p>A wife says: "I think the ceiling needs painting."<p><br>(I'm allowed to make jokes like this. My wife likes to watch TV, it's really hard to concentrate while you're , er, "working" and your wife is channel surfing or laughing at Letterman.... sigh. This would be funny if it were a sitcom!)<p>Val

Good one, Val!<p>I thought of a solution to your problem. Strap one of those little Sony Watchman TVs to your forehead! That way, she'll be looking right at you (sort of) while you're 'working'.<p>And while we're on the subject of things some women say during coitus, here's 4 more.<p>#1 Male Ego IN-flator: "Ouch!"<br>#2 Male Ego IN-flator: (Any Latin phrase)<p>#1 Male Ego DE-flator: "Is it in yet?"<br>#2 Male Ego DE-flator: "Deeper!"<br><p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited 01-14-99).]

Awwwwww Man!<p>You mean now I gotta buy a Watchman Too! I thought the money I've spent on books, tapes, flowers, dinner, lingerie, etc, etc, etc. would have been enough!<p>The ironic part is that she's a teacher. She must know how annoying it is not to have someone's FULL attention. <p>V

Val,<p>LMAO!!! It's nice that we all still have a sense of humor.<p>Steph

jmb,<p>and??? you said nothing.

Thanks guys for all the funnies---I do find it interesting that most of us on this board desire more sex, and our spouses don't.<br>But Steph, my husband hasn't been as blunt as yours (the sex/birthday thing IS abnormal) My husband would never SAY those things, but he would not think of having sex either. I can remember some really good evenings we had out, and I'm just dieing to get home to bed (if you know what I mean) And he says...you know what I'd really like to do? (and I'm thinking YES YES YES) and he says... go home and watch a good movie, or go home and read my book on (whatever was his current interest). I would be absolutly crushed. I know it's a bit shallow to expect sex at the end of a good night out, but it hurt so much that he wasn't interested. <br>Also Steph, why did you have your testerone level tested? How could I get my husband to have HIS level tested? He'd rather get a divorce first I bet. Geez, just the thought of asking him to have it checked would completely kill his ego. And what do you do if it was low?)

GBM:<p>FYI, a testosterone test just requires a blood sample (at least mine did). So if hubby's reluctant about 'filling a cup' or something, he needn't worry. <br>

LOL, Thanks!! No, he wouldn't go in for a blood test either, I'm sure. Let's see how would the conversation go....Oh Honey, I think you need to have your testerone level checked I'm not satisified with our sex life!!!<br>Then...the next post would be from GBM, the newly divorced one.<br>PS., so id you willingly go in and have yours checked? Can you tell me more? Sorry if you have posted this somewhere else.

Man, I just don't get it. Every guy I've been in a relationship with ends up losing interest in sex. Where are you guys that actually want a sex life?<p>I've been dating a guy for almost 4 years... the first 2.5 years were great sexually. Frequent, adventurous. Hell, if we couldn't get privacy we would tell the kids we were going to the grocery store and go park like a couple of over hormonal teenagers (we are well into our 30's). Now its maybe once a month if I'm lucky, if I ask for it. I'm tired of asking and being turned down. It seems the only way I get sex now is to throw a fit about it. Oh thats what I want to do, guilt him into conceeding into sex... oh.. what fun.<p>He says its nothing about me and he's just not into it right now.. but I ask you, would a woman get away with that line for close to a year?<p>I've thought about dressing up in lingere (sp?) but do you know how humiliating it would be to dress up in something sexy and get a tepid response? Historically that is exactly what I would get.<p>Its not like I haven't expressed my needs to him several times. It just doesn't seem to compute. When we first met we both agreed that sex was very important and it should never be withheld... I think he meant as a weapon now... I meant withheld in general. In the past I have rarely said no to his sexual need, even when I really wasn't in the mood... because I knew even if I didn't feel like it then, I enjoyed pleasing him.<p>Now I'm angry because it doesn't seem like I get the same consideration. He's not in the mood... so we don't have sex... period.<p>We get along well, we enjoy spending time together but its turned into a good friendship. <p>I've thought about having a affair. This is really distastfull to me but I can't see any other way to get my sexual needs met if he is unwilling to put forth effort.<p>He may be waiting for me to initiate sex, I don't know for sure, but after a year of consistantly being rejected I'm not in a big hurry to beg for it any longer. I think about initiating it and get a knot in my stomach in fear that he'd just give me that lukewarm, "hon, not tonight, I'm really tired"<p>We don't live together we don't even do sleepovers (his choice).. so the opportunity to just lay in bed and let it happen isn't there, we would have to put effort into it.<p>I really don't want to trash the whole relationship because of this but more and more I'm thinking that this is what I'd have to do. In a case like this would it be better to trash the relationship or just go out and have an affair? I really don't know. <p>I guess the bottom line is that I really don't want just sex with anyone... I want it with him... and it seems like I'm just wishing for the moon.<p>Any ideas?

GBM,<p>I had my level tested because I could not get pregnant. They tested all of my levels at that point. I don't know how you could get your H to go and get it tested without him knowing what it is for. Maybe if he just had a physical that is something they would test but I don't know. I have never thought of having my H get tested for that because he used to like it all the time. As for his birthday, I asked him about it because right now (knock on wood) things are going ok. He said that he did that because we had a couseling session coming up (three days later) and he wanted to get back at me for making him go to couseling. He admits this was stupid and actually said he was sorry. Oh the games we play. <p>Mikie,<p>If I had any answers for you I would give them. As for ending the relationship over this fact, I would make a list of all the good things and the bad things and rank them in importantance. See how it all balances out. Good Luck. <p>Steph

GBM:<p>When you get to be 40, some docs love to start checking everything--I guess 'cause they figure SOMETHING'S gonna malfunction soon! (Lucky me, I got my first prostate exam last summer! BOY, was THAT fun! )<p>Anyway, the testosterone check was part of a larger blood workup. If your husbands' doc did a blood draw (obstensibly for something else) it wouldn't be hard for him to also request a testosterone check at the same time. Docs seem to LOVE to have your blood drawn. I'm lucky I still have any!

Doug,<p>Getting your prostate checked is actually pretty close to having sex, isn't it? <p>(Just kidding, It doesn't bother me. I think it's just a matter of how you think about it. My doctor actually made abig deal of explaining why they check prostates - as if he had to "sell" me on having it done. Hey, if ya gotta check it, check it - just watch that cold KY jelly though!<p>Hey, just out of curiousity, I thought when a woman reaches menopause, her estrogen level drops, so she would have proportionately more testosterone, so I heard that some women experience an increase in sex drive. Anybody else hear this?<p>Val<p>PS. Anybody see "Fletch" with Chevy Chase getting a prostate exam? Hey, I have to do something to keep my sense of humor!

Dont wait any longer, go get laid

Val:<p>Yeah, I hear ya! Those docs are all alike! They're just after your prostate! I've got a mind, too, you know!<p>And the cheapskate never even bought me dinner!

I hear the docs call you... easy Doug.<p>Pragmatic: You do know that I was just making light of an embarrassing situation - don't you?<p>Val