Hi therapy group!<P>I was talking to some friends the other day and kept lamenting on the fact that I felt I was now playing in a game of life where I didn't know the rules. I have never been divorced before and jokingly wished for a book that would give me advice on proper rules of interacting with a separated or former spouse.<P>For instance, at Christmas, when we'd been separated since August...I was in a quandry over whether or not to send a Christmas card, get him a gift from me, etc. On his birthday - the same problem.<P>Also, to have a laundry list of events I can be expected to be invited to by the extended family and ex-in laws and which things should I not take offense at being excluded from (even when my children are invited).<P>Is it more or less appropriate to sit by your ex at children's activities? (Especially if a gf or bf is there)<P>etc,etc,etc.<P>I'm not talking plan A or B here...nor wishful reconciliation behavior. I'm talking nuts and bolts of societally-accepted post-divorce grown up behavior of former spouses that will not send mixed messages or confusion to any parties involved.<P>You've heard of the book "The Rules"...well this can be called "The Rules for Post Divorced People." and since it's my thread - I say WE make these rules - not some happily married psychobabble TV therapist!<P>I'll start:<P>1. Christmas cards - if you share children, send a card but avoid sentimental "added notes" - just sign the dang thing like you would if you were sending it to Aunt Bertha whom you haven't seen in umpteen years. DO NOT BUY A SPECIAL ONE - just send the same card you're sending to everyone else.<P>2. Christmas gifts - if separated...a small token of giving - if only to know you took the high road yourself. If divorced...the card is enough. If you share children, help the children to each have a gift to give their other parent - not from you...from them - if it makes you feel better, you can secretly acknowledge in your own mind that you had a hand in the giving.<P>Others????<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

OK, <P>I think Birthdays should go the same route as Christmas. A small token of affection if separated, and a card if divorced (reasonably amicably, of course)<P>Now here's a question. STBX is alowing me to use her vehicle for me to take my son on a vacation (my car won't hold enough for an overnighter to the beach ) I was considering either a small souvenir from the resort or offering her dinner as a thank you. Does this sound reasonable?<P>I don't think I'd sit by my X at my sons activity if her "friend" was there, just a little too far for me...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited January 18, 2001).]

I think a lot of modern etiquette books have a lot of that advice ... although I can't see how it could run the gamut of how ex's get along.

Well, this is how we handle it. Both husband and I have ex's. My ex is engaged, his is still single. My kids live with us, his kids live with their mom. My ex just recently starting seeing his kids again after going two years even though he lives 2 miles away. His behavior for the past 3 years has caused me to hate him. Recently he "seems" to be coming around to being a better person. He's paying his child support and seeing his kids. No games with his pick up's or drop off's. Very few words are exchanged between us because I've learned. Say anything and I open myself up to verbal abuse by him or his girlfriend. Thank God kids are old enough to give him important info. To me, this is NOT the way you co-parent. If I even attempted to take the kids shopping for Christmas or Birthday's I'd be swore at from the girlfriend for doing "her" job and she'd toss the gift (even if kids used their own money). So, why waste the kids money? Don't ever sit by ea. other at events, in fact we sit as far apart as we can. We do however, manage to be in the same room now so I hope it keeps improving. When it's one on one (him and I) then he's much better but if the girlfriend is with we best not even look in the same direction or lots of people pay! Ok, I'm going off now, sorry.....<P>My husband talks to his kids in regards to their kids. She'll keep them informed of medical issues, school issues etc... We say hi to each other at school events because the kids want to see which ever parent they are not with at that time. We don't sit together but we are all polite.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B><BR>Now here's a question. STBX is alowing me to use her vehicle for me to take my son on a vacation ) I was considering either a small souvenir from the resort or offering her dinner as a thank you. Does this sound reasonable?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think a souvenoir is perfectly reasonable as long as it's not too personal (I *heart* you emblazoned across a salt shaker from the vacation spot might be a bit much ). <P>You're braver than I am on the whole dinner thing...for me, too much personal contact with stbx ignites all sorts of wishful thinking on my part and I end up setting up myself to be hurt the next time I am forced to acknowledge that Nurse Ratchet still breathes).<P>Cordially distant is the rule of thumb for me now.<P>Lisa<P>

Lisa,<P>1) Birthday card, yes. <BR>2) Christmas card, yes, <BR>3) SMALL christmas present. Mine was $40<BR>4) <B> I assume it is my job to help educate my kids on how to buy presents for other sibling/parents. I look at it as an educational experience for the kids, which I will do as a responsible parent, married to their mother or not. </B><P>this situation arises from no one showing me from my family of origin, and therefore, after I married a junk gift collector, I couldn't show the correct love language gifts. <P>5) Educational events, we sit together as parent's at formal functions, although I realize it will be more difficult with a SO.<P>6)At sports events, no need to sit next, same vicinity is ok, and the same field is required. there needs to be an arrangement of the "visiting" parent to the game gets the first moments of congratulations, and spends few minutes alone with the kid, then together and say good by!<P>6) We agree that we are the parents at parent teacher conferences, step parents not allowed (we'll see if that works for her in the future.) <P>7) Bump into each other at the store, say hi, talk to the kids. Bump into THEM at the store, say hi even happier!<P>My parents offered to invite her to our family's christmas party, my dad and I said, "What are you drinking?" NOT!<P>I actually bought my brother and sister in law better presents this year by myself, than in the past relying on the X.<P>good luck!<P>tom

Nick,<P>is she doing it for you or the kid?<P>I figure it is for the kid, so have the kid get a present for her mom, (you pay of course).<P>good luck<P>tom<BR>

Gifts: I take the kids shopping for his gifts, and pay for the ones for the kids who are too young to have much money. He once took one of them to the store when she wanted to buy me a card, and paid for part of it. Other than that, he has had nothing to do with them getting gifts for me since shortly after he left. Luckily their older siblings can drive. But then again, he doesn't call the kids on Christmas or their birthdays, either, though he does give them gifts a few days before. <P>I've never laid eyes on the OW, and hopefully I never will. She won't allow him to come to parent conferences or medical exams for the children if I am going to be there. He only comes to the most critically important meetings. Our little one had a MRI, during which she was drugged to sleep, and at one point her oxygen saturation dropped a lot. I was terrified. He chose not to be there. <P>She will not allow him to take all the young kids so that I can take the older ones to college. <P>He will not set foot in the house, not to fix a stuck window, not to hug a sick child. The sick child came and stood at the door in the middle of winter to hug him because she knew he would not come in.<P>I called him once in the last almost two years, to tell him of a change in plans for the kids. She hung up on me. <P>In case of dire emergency, I am supposed to leave a message. I don't know how, if she picks up the phone and hangs up.<P>