I have been divorced for almost one month. My exH continues to vent at me - he will not do it over the telephone while I am home - he calls when he knows I will not be at home and then leaves his angry messages.<P>I don't get it - he is the one that wanted the divorce - he is the one getting married to his OW next weekend and starting his "new life". Why is he so angry?<P>His anger is at our settlement agreement and the amount of money he has to pay me. So far I have been ignoring these angry messages but I am getting tired of them. I think the next time he leaves one I will call him and tell him to take his rage elsewhere that I am no longer his wife, his friend. I am, however, the mother of his daughter, and I deserve to be treated with respect.<P>Thanks for listening

Switch to a digital recorder, and the next time you hear one of those coming in, hit "delete" before he can get the third word out. <P>If he put some *real* information in there toward the end and it doesn't get timely handled; tell him what you're doing and that he needs to save any @#*& until the end of his message, because that's where you press "delete". <P>He's paying you, but not enough that you should have to listen to #$*&.

Hmmmmm....There shouldn't be any reason that he is doing this to you. It is called harrassment. Do you want to put a trace on your phone?

Barrington,<P>my favorite RI town, BTW,<P>record them, take them to your lawyer, and have him take action with his lawyer. Yes, from a guy's point of view, the change in monetary status hurts, as that is the current social measurement for the traditional man's way of taking care of his family, FS. With FS, you can afford necessities, and some luxuries. <P>However, it could be that reality just hit, and the fog induced bliss is not as it was envisioned. Where he had control and respect, he now has none. You know, there are some of us who can figure out the future pretty well, I do it at my job for a living, and you would be surprised at the number of people who can't, who live mentally day to day or week to week. When all of a sudden something looks so good it must be true, they don't have the ability to look around and do a severe reality check.<P>Long, low, deep, BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!<P>(the sound of the lighthouse he can't see marking the rocks he won't see until he hits them.)<P>

Others' posts have caused a concern, though ... if there's any potential whatsoever for violence, you need to preserve those messages. I wouldn't count on tape to do it.<P>I'd make your PC your answering machine, and *back up* the offending messages to an internet-based service (used to be one called driveway or iDrive? -- not sure what's out there anymore). That way, not matter what happens, they're out there for retrieval. Make sure third parties know where they're kept. <P>That still doesn't mean you have to listen to them. ... or tell him what you're doing (That's kind of a "nyah nyah" that may enrage him and drive him to more desperate measures. Right now he seems satisfied to vent on the phone. You may want to keep it that way.

I suspect his new life is not the never ending joy ride he suspected it would be. Perhaps his financial considerations were not completely accurate. In any case, it certainly sounds like his "honeymoon" is about over. A pretty quick one at that.<P>That being said, there is no reason for him to vent at you, and you have every right to tell him not to talk to you in that manner.<P>I'm sorry you have to endure his tirades, maybe you shouldn't...<P>Take care...<BR><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I know the feeling about the anger... I confronted him about it in a very nice way.. I simply asked why he was so angry with me. I have been nice .. I reminded him that when I caught him living with another woman I didn't bother to tell her that he had still been coming over to "see" me the whole time.. The divorce settlement will be more than fair to him.. Ok for me.. If anyone should be angry it should be me.. I am not, just hurt.. He thought about it for a couple of minutes and appologized to me... I did say all of this very calmly and nicely- not sure if that helped or not... but hey... it worked so I'm not complaining...

Send him a letter by registered mail requesting that he cease and desist any contact with you unless it is directly related to co-parenting your child.<P>Explain in the letter that any phone messages/email/etc. that are considered harrassing will be forward to your attorney.<P>Be very formal and business like but DO NOT ACCEPT being treated disrespectfully and DO NOT stoop to his level in response (though it is probably justified).<P>Then, if harrassment continues, file a restraining order and consider altering your custody arrangement with the harrassment being the central issue and a concern over "parent alienation" that may also be occurring.<P>The anger? How else can he justify what he's done...even to himself?<P>Good luck.<P>Lisa

Catch-22: If you don't *listen* to the messages, you won't know if he's just fulminating or if there is a real threat there. Perhaps a third party will agree to listen for you, so that you don't have to take the emotional barrage.<P>I think whether you go to making your own attempts to counter what he's doing depends on his particular psychology. Some are cowed ... others may be pushed over the edge. I would recommend the course of flexibility, conciliation, the soft voice that turneth away wrath. <BR>

Hi,<BR>Thanks for alll the ideas. I think in time his anger will subside. However, in a matter of a few months my daughter and I will be in our new home in Idaho. When we move in I plan on getting her a separate line and answering machine (all soon-to-be teenage girls need this don't they?). I will have an unlisted number. I don't think he will leave his "venting" messages on his daughter's machine. I can either call him or write if he needs to discuss anything about our daughter.<P>I am hoping that his new married life will be so fulfilling and rewarding for him that his resentment and anger towards me will dissipate.<P>Let me know what you think about two phone line idea.