Hey,<BR>I'm so mad right now! My 15 year old son just came home after going with his dad this afternoon. Apparently my X was trying to get him to go live with him and his new family. That really just pisses me off. I have been more than fair toi him. I encourage the kids to visit him all the time. If it weren't for me he wouldn't see them half as much as he does. It was his choice that he leave. He has no problem with me having custody and now he pulls this? Should I call and confront him or should I just let it lie for now. My son told him that he wants to stay with me. Am I wrong for getting so upset about this?<P>Jill

Every now and then my son, who is only 7, will mention going to live with his dad when he's older. I do my best to not say anything. But it hurts so badly. Just wrenches out my guts, so to speak. I really live in fear of it. At times I am so angry that my x did this to everyone's lives and that the children have to suffer and at times I am so glad we don't have to deal with the complications that abound when you have to run schedule changes by another adult. I don't know how I would have survived if it hadn't been for my children. And the thought of not having them with me is the most unpleasant thought that crosses my mind sometimes.<P>All I can say is that we're not supposed to villify the villian. Hardly seems fair.

My ex has told me that he hopes our 11 yo D will eventually come to live with him and his new wife (his OW). Even though it tears my heart out to think she may want to do this I will have to accept it. I have heard of a lot of divorced kids that perceive life will be better with the "other" parent but in most cases after awhile they come home to the original custodial parent. Another case of the grass always looks greener on the other side. <P>My advice is not to over react to your sons revelations. Just be glad that he feels comfortable enough around you to tell you this. Chances are that he will stay with you.

Jill<BR>This happened to my sister, her 2 older kids went to stay with their dad. they thought life would be easier. Now they dont enjoy living there and appreciate their mother alot more. Dad is always grumpy.<P>Kids know who looks after them and who is the better parent, and what they get from each. You are the whole person and can offer your kids all they need. He will only be filling some of their needs they will learn this soon enough<P>Have courage

Jill,<P>I think it is just another sign of the fact that your ex-H regrets giving up his family. How could he possibly think it would be good to separate your kids from each other, or to try to merge one of them into another family? I can't imagine that would make anyone happy - certainly not your son, not the OW, and not her kids.

hi jillybean, my ex-wife 'reminded' my daughters (who are 8 & 10 yo) that they will be old enough to decide where they want to live when they turn 12...(fyi, I have residential custody of them, she pays me support and has visitation, and I've been divorced since Oct. 2000).<P> I totally went off on her when the kids told me this; it makes you angry and it's also disheartening. The OM bought a much nicer house (comparatively) for her and him to live in, and I feel as if her statement constitutes a bribe. But, I know the kids love being here with me and they will possibly come to the conclusion someday that what she did and how she did it was downright reptilian.<P> However, it is their decision and I went through the same thing with my mother and father when I was a tike; I was never comfortable staying with my mother and stepfather because it wasn't "home". I hope and pray that my children feel the same way.<P> And, as Barrington mentioned, "My advice is not to over react to your sons revelations. Just be glad that he feels comfortable enough around you to tell you this." I am very grateful for this with my kids...<P>chin up!<P>theo<P>

I will probably be blasted for this one.. but what the heck.. <P>When my H and I were together, his youngest lived with us. The only thing we said to her when the option came up (bigger house and enough room) was that she was welcome to live with us, it would be her choice and no matter what the choice was we would respect her decision (she was 15). She chose to live with us, and what her mother put her through was almost unbearable. We almost came to the point of telling her that she would not be allowed to live with us just to make things easier on her. Please guys and girls, be careful what you say if anything to your children. If they are mature and old enough to make the decision about where they live and both homes are safe, let them. Don't try to drag them through court (his ex did). She lied to the attorneys, it cost both parties a fortune and ended with his D so stressed out that her grades dropped, she was depressed, etc.. It was not pretty, nor fun. Please understand also, even before she started driving we had no visitation problems as far as letting her see her mother anytime they wanted.. Just be careful, I have seen first hand what it does when one parent tries to pressure the child into making a decision. When/if the situation comes around that a child makes a choice, if there is no danger..support them don't make them into a pawn.. <P>

It is terribly wrong to encourage children to go live with the other parent if it will result in the break-up of sibling bonds. It is also terribly wrong to first destroy the marriage and then to try to take the children away from the parent who was committed to the marriage. In the vast majority of cases, the spouse who is seeking the divorce, the spouse who leaves, is NOT the one who is the primary parent. <P>And, all other things being equal, children are better off with a single parent than they are with a parent who is remarried or living with someone else. As a matter of fact, children are usually far worse off with a parent who is living, unmarried, with someone else. Children are more at risk of abuse from mother's live-in boyfriends than any other group of people.

Hey All, Thanks for all of your responses. I'm really proud of my son. He told his Dad that he loves him but doesn't want to live with him and his new family. My XH said that was ok that he understood and dropped the subject. I guess maybe It really did hurt me because It makes me feel like I am just something to step all over. I would have never stopped my son from living with his Dad but it would hurt like hell if he did. <P>

Well,<P>I look at it this way, flame me if you want, but after age ?, if a kid wants to live in the other's home, they should be able to do it to gather the information needed to make a good decision for themselves, with the understanding that they can come back at any time, but not because they are ESCAPING, by playing parents against each other. My kids manipulate their mother like that all the time in various forms.<P>Meaning, its not a competition, its not about love, but about curiousity, a chance to expand, to see how different living conditions may be worse than imagining everything is always greener on the other side. (the imagination is what led to the affair, right?)<P>Also, as hard as it may be, the request should not be taken personally. My X told me that she could not leave them with me and go very far away to a teacher conference, she wasn't emotionally able to do that. Why is it she did 4 years ago? Because she is DEPENDENT upon them for her esteem, to relieve guilt, I don't know.<P>The difference is in the belief that they will somehow feel ??? towards her if she did. However, it is also a very big opportunity to be independent, and give them some more time with me. I encouraged her to do it professionally, as she needs to do it.<P>I say, let them decide, and explore, and take the time to work on yourself, etc. take some time off from parenting, etc. I also know people that when they had teenagers, the preteen schedules were so impossible, that they went straight to two weeks at one house, two weeks at the other house, end of story. No thinking the other is greener, they just split the time, and it worked great!<P>Personally, i would prefer two weeks, two weeks, but that is just me.<P>tom<BR>

Jilly, <P>There will come a time that kids will use that as a threat to you..unforuntately..I have seen a lot of my friends go through that..when they get disciplined for something..they will say.."I'll go live w/ Other parent" or I want to go live w/ them cause your mean..<P>My son who is 6 has already started..then he went and spent the weekend w/ his dad..(who was drinking, while they were there) and apparently got onto him about not finishing his dinner, and climbing all over him..(something their dad can't handle) the kids climbing on him..and he came home and said..I don't want to live w/ dad, I want to stay here..if thats okay with you? I was like.."you can stay here as long as you want..I just want you to be happy..be it with me or your with your dad..because I love you that much." I tried to keep the hurt I felt inside about it..because he doesn't need to know how hurt I'd be..and I don't want to teach him that he can hurt me very much saying things like that..I told him.."i'd miss you very much if you went to live with your dad, but I'd still talk to you all the time and see you on weekends..like you do your dad now..<P>But, if he can't handle being w/ him for two days..how could handle being there ALL the time???