My wife is in love with another woman.<BR>We just had a very heart to heart talk.<P>She confirmed what I had expected. She is in love with the OP. She says that she is not in love with me. She said she has known for several months, but was afraid to tell me because of how I would take it, and she didnt want to hurt me.<P>Am I hurt? Yes<BR>Am I angry? Angry, I dont think so. <BR>Am I resentful? Yes<BR>Am I confused? Very<P>She told me that she has always had an attraction to other women, she just didnt know it. She says that she hasn't had a physical affair yet, hence she is moving out this coming up weekend. She says she is not ready for the PE yet. Will not be ready untill we get separated or divorced.<P>I do think this is the final call for this relationship. <P>Married 8. together for 10.<BR>I havent been on the dating scene for 10 years. Not that I am ready.<P>I do not go to bars. I do not go to church. I live in a very rural area. Where in the heck do I go to meet women when I am ready?<BR>There are women at work I catch staring at me, but I feel as though they are looking at me like I look funny or something. <P>I would really love to have my wife back, but to hear her tell her story she is really in love with the OP or OW as the case may be.<P>I told her that after I help her move out I dont think we should have any contact. She was like, FOREVER?<BR>She said that if I feel thats what I have to do for me then so be it. She still wants to be friends. <P>I dont think I can handle just being friends.<BR>Heck I dont know lots a things. Very confused at the moment.<P>

Hi Broken,<P>boy, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.<BR>It seems like a double whammy for you. You could compete with another man, but how do you compete with another woman?<P>I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, and here for you.<P>As for women looking at you funny, they're probably thinking how dishy you are. Unless you've got a nose nasty hanging out!!!!!!!<P>Trying to cheer you up a little here.<P>I will give this some thought, or try to find a reading/saying that may be applicable here.<BR>There is one thing that comes to mind. Infidelity is infidelity, whether is is with the opposite sex or same sex. At the end of the day, it makes no difference. You have been betrayed. And the feelings that you have will be the same as mine, and everyone else's.<P>take care of you, and hang on. The ride gets worse before it gets better (sorry) but it does get better. With time. allow yourself some time.<P>big hugs to you, and I'm thinking of you<P>Jo

Broken,<P>I don't know what to say either, except that this scenario entered my mind as well regarding my ex. I never really thought that my wife could be in love with another woman, but you just never know sometimes. I did take refuge in the fact that if she WAS in love with a woman, then there was nothing I could do about it. Her leaving me for another man would have put doubts in my head for the rest of my life (not that they aren't there already), but I am thinking that I would almost be relieved in a sense if I found out that she was gay.<P>I guess I really wouldn't know how to respond unless it happened to me, but at least knowing that a gay issue was beyond my control would put me a little at ease and not make me feel as much like damaged goods.<P>I know you're not ready for it yet but look at the bright side, now when someone asks why you got divorced, you just have to say that "My wife and I had the same taste in women!"<P>Hang in there. It will get better.<BR>

Life is like wrestling a gorilla. You don't stop when you get tired, you stop when the gorilla gets tired. <P>Right now I'm very tired. Emotionally drained.<P>I'm trying to take solace in the fact that it is another woman.<BR>Who can better understand a woman like another woman. It still doesnt make it easy.<P>the wife said she talked to the OW, and the OW said that if it might help me to get some clairity, and to help me sort through what I'm going through, the OW will come over and talk to me. What? Yeah right. Thats all I need right now at this moment in time. <P>My wife said that it hurts her to know how much pain I'm in right now, and she cares how I feel. I was sitting here thinking that it doenst matter how I feel. My feelings are irrelevant in our relationship right now. Did I say relationship?<P>To Bonnet, here is a picture of me. The guy the women are staring at. <A HREF="http://www.mindspring.com/~runningfalcon/Me.jpg" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mindspring.com/~runningfalcon/Me.jpg</A> <P>To Jayhawk, I'm trying to find relief in the fact that she is in love with another woman instead of a man. So far no relief. I know in time I'll find it but damn.....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_in_east_TN:<B>She told me that she has always had an attraction to other women, she just didnt know it. She says that she hasn't had a physical affair yet, hence she is moving out this coming up weekend. She says she is not ready for the PE yet.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>All I get from this is a sense of confusion. But perhaps that's because I don't believe in homosexuality per se. I think we're all sexual beings - not homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. Our sexual map is partially based on genetics, but it is malleable, and it is heavily influenced by our early experiences. My guess is that if this "awareness" is new to your wife, it isn't particularly dominant. I suspect that a more relevant factor here derives from the fairly universal tendency to get our sexuality tangled up with our emotions, regardless of our own individual sexual turn-ons.<P>So I think this is about a state of emotional confusion, not sexual confusion. The sexual attraction is just along for the ride.<P>My only point in saying this is that I don't think this situation should be seen or treated in any way differently than a heterosexual affair, be it EA or PA.<BR>

GnomeDePlume: I dont think that it should be treated differently either. An EA or PA is still an affair no matter how you look at it.<P>I'm still trying to come to grips with it, be it a man or woman.<P>I was thinking about going for some counseling....Question. Man or woman counseler?<P>You guys don't mind if I stay here awhile and talk about this do you?<P>I asked my wife is she is confused about what is happening. She said that she is most definitly sure that she is lin love with this woman, and that she is not confused, everything is clear.<P>I can't help but wonder though. Should I try to give her sometime to figure it out?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_in_east_TN:<BR><B>I was thinking about going for some counseling....Question. Man or woman counseler?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've tried both. I really don't think the sex of the counselor matters.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You guys don't mind if I stay here awhile and talk about this do you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I thought that was what we were here for?...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I asked my wife is she is confused about what is happening. She said that she is most definitly sure that she is lin love with this woman, and that she is not confused, everything is clear.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, I've heard the claim that "everything is clear" too. Followed by a quick succession of abrupt changes in attitudes and actions.<P>What it really means is, "I'm so tired of being confused that I've decided to act as if I'm <I>not</I> confused. With luck I can convince myself." The act of making the decision can come with enormous relief. <I>Acting</I> on the decision may not prove so fulfilling, however, and further levels of "clarification" may be necessary.<P>It's all fog. It's just that you can't tell when your myopia is bad enough.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I can't help but wonder though. Should I try to give her sometime to figure it out?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, <I>I</I> sure would. But maybe that's just me...<BR>

BIETN,<P>There have been several men who have posted that are in your exact situation. The most recent is Hopeful One, I believe I recall the name correctly. If you go to the just found out section or do a search in that section you may find his postings. I also think he has posted in the D/D section.<P>As in other cases, this is an affair just like a normal relationship. So Plan A may still help change your W's mind. I do agree that the sexual aspect of this means that you cannot compete in this area, but the affection area you could compete in.<P>The difficulty is that no matter how they sugar coat it. No matter of OW comes and talks with you, you are stilling losing your W. It is a mark of the fog that it hasn't occured to her that you cannot be her friend after she has done this to you and right now you don't want to be her friend.<P>Hang in there is the best advice I can give.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Broken,<P>If you don't do anything else..get yourself<BR>into counseling, to deal w/ the emotions you<BR>feel..talk about them with someone..preferably a professional..<P>It is one thing to deal w/ your spouse leaving for another man..it is completely<BR>different w/ same sex..because at that point you question your manhood even more..and in another relationship if you don't deal w/<BR>it you won't be trusting another women w/ female friends or men friends..and you could become very controlling of any women in the future..

Now get this.....The wife and I had a talk last night before I went to work.<P>She says that the other woman is concerned about how I feel, that if I need her to the OW will come over and talk to me about it...to give me some clarity, help me sort through what I'm going through. The wife says that the other woman wants to be friends with me!!! What the heck is going on here? Yeah right, bring her over for a friendly conversation. Thats all I need.<BR>Are they trying to drive me nuts? Trying to put me in a nut hut?<P>Has anyone heard of this stuff happening?

I had a long <I>double entendre</I>-riddled post planned (most of it rather predictable), but since your sense of humor may not be in great shape, I just wanted to make a couple of points. <P>It's been a long time since people thought about sexual orientation as a simple choice that could be reversed by, say, James Bond rolling [censored] Galore in the hay in <I>Goldfinger</I>.<P>Anybody with any sense will find ludicrous the idea that anyone is "less of a man" because his spouse suddenly figured out she is gay. Either she was gay all along, or she is a "political lesbian"--blinded by some feminist ideal (and I don't think the latter are for real--just a subspecies of women who figure out that they're lesbians--and for some reason want to move forward as lesbians under a battle flag). <P>Heck, you should probably get <I>credit</I> for being able to get someone to deny their nature for so long. Unfortunately, the societal pressures against homosexuality are so strong that I think anyone who "flips" over to that stance is likely to stick with it. Once you're "out" it's hard to go back in.<P>I do, however, hold out at least some hope that her first lesbian sexual experience will convince her that her ideas have been completely off-base. <P>But if that doesn't happen, feel better about yourself, decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, and move forward from here.

Broken,<P>Hi from West Georgia! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. An affair is an affair and it hurts no matter what. My ex-H used to tell me I must be a lesbian (I'm not) because I wore silver jewelry all the time. I honestly think somewhere in the back of his mind he found OW because of that. I'm not really sure what silver jewelry and being a lesbian has in common, but it did for him. At any rate, it made me feel like something was wrong with me. Like I wasn't woman enough. Now, I know our situations are different. But I think the emotions are the same. Now I wonder if it was something other than the jewelry. Maybe I'm not feminine enough? Or too outspoken? Or, heck I don't know! I could go on about this all day and never know the answer. When it comes down to it, his opinion (and your wife's) doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel about yourself. I like men. I know that for a fact. So think about what you know to be true about yourself and reinforce that in your mind. The emotional confusion and exhaustion is very common with something like this. Please, take good care of yourself. Plenty of rest, good food, exercise, etc.<P>BTW, the gals at work are looking at you 'cause you're cute! I took a gander at your picture. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I'll tell you something about my situation in a minute. First, my recommendation is that you see a counselor asap. My suggestion is that you see a counselor that is alternative lifestyle friendly. Gay or at least not anti-gay.<P>I was faced with a similar situation a couple of years ago. I knew that my stbx had bi-sexual desires for a time. She started a relationship with another woman and wanted her to move in with us (there is more to the story, but that will suffice for now). So we did. Lived in a committed relationship with the three of us for 2 years. Then the stbx decided a husband and a girlfriend (wife?) was not enough, or maybe too much, and got herself a boyfriend. She left in March. The two of us got primary custody of the children, and are going strong.<P>I agree with the others that it is no different, man or woman. The OW wants to be friends? Why? So she can rub your face in what she did? I don't think so.<P>Get the counseling, keep posting, and it does get better. I know that it seems as if this will never end, but it gets better.<P>Good Luck to you

Well. She brought up the fact that the OW wants to be, and has wanted to be my friend.<P>My wife started telling me what she wants to take when she leaves. Everyday its more and more. The only thing I have left she has not taken is the couch, tv, and computer. <P>She wants everything else. The bedroom furniture, everything in the kitchen, the dining room table. Now she wants the washer and drier. If she keeps it up, I'll have nothing more for her to take.<P>What's up with this OW wanting to be friends.<BR>Is she trying to make herself feel better?<BR>She days that she is concerned about my feelings. Yeah right. Is she trying to help me understand why my wife turned lesbian?<P>This is crazy.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_in_east_TN:<BR><B>Is she trying to help me understand why my wife turned lesbian?<P>This is crazy. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's important to stop thinking your wife "turned" lesbian. She didn't "turn" lebian any more than you could "turn" into an eagle. She discovered something about herself. <P>The tough part for you is that what she discovered may be anywhere along a spectrum. Could be a moderate curiousity that has been fanned into a briefly-raging fire by the EA with the OW. Could be a near-ironclad sexual identity that has surfaced after being buried under many layers of denial. <P>But it was always there. Crisis may have exposed it, but it was born long, long ago; before you ever met her.<P>You don't need OW to teach you anything. She is far from blameless. However, the farther toward hard-core same-sex your wife's orientation actually is, the less I would blame her. It's lonely to be what OW is (and probably they both are). It's hard to blame them for reaching out toward one-another when they detect a spark.<P>The tough part is you're the one who is scr*wed by all this. But it only makes it worse if you blame yourself.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_in_east_TN:<BR><B>What's up with this OW wanting to be friends. Is she trying to make herself feel better?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's as good a guess as any. Not many people like to see themselves as homewreckers. If she can get you to bestow your "blessing" on their relationship, then she won't have to feel guilty. And if instead you are unable or unwilling to receive the gift of "understanding", she will be able to tell herself (and your wife) in magnanimous self-righteousness that at least she tried.<P>Plus, she may understand at some level that if you <I>really</I> want to ***** someone over, it's always better to set things up so that they appear to be *****ing themselves. No matter how you respond to her overture, you're *****ed.<P>

Broken,<P>Most of what I want to say has already been said. I'm sorry that you are going through this, no matter what the orientation of the WS and OP, it's not easy. We are here for you.<P>The next thing I want to say is get a Temporary Domestic Order before your W takes anything else from the house. That is if you want to stop her from taking everything. The TDO should protect you agains that, and against any financial obligations she might run up. <P>I hate to sound callous and unfealing, I'm not, really. I guess because of my situation at the time I was in your shoes, my advice is to protect yourself from the things you can control at this point. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{Broken}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Take care of yourself, and do something nice just for you.<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

I do think I need to get something done leagally. She is getting angry, and I think it is about to turn nasty. I dont want that though.<BR>She has made the choice to move out. I am trying to make it as painless as possible, but now I get the feeling that I'm a door mat.<BR>She has to understand that I'm not going to be used in anyway, even though I feel I have. I feel like I have been taken advantage of. I feel that I have been walked on, lied to, and spit on.<P>She got the apartment. She is moving out this saturday. She wants her gilfriend to be able to come over and help her move.<BR>I dont know about that. anyone but her.<BR>I will help her move out, I told her that.<P>I'm just ready for her to get out, and move on with my life. It still feels like a bad dream, and that any moment I'm going to wake up.<P>Anyway. I'm glad this is coming to a close.<BR>Anyone here from the Knoxville area?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_in_east_TN:<BR><B>I do think I need to get something done leagally. She is getting angry, and I think it is about to turn nasty. I dont want that though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just hang on to what you want. Change the locks. Negotiate for what you feel like giving, offer nothing more. Shrieking is actually quite tolerable when you no longer give a darn.<P>Check out this link, where it appears quite a few husbands suddenly got dumped when their wives decided they were gay: <A HREF="http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp</A>

Well, it's finally happening. <P>Starting to pack up all her stuff.<BR>I thought it would be easy. I was wrong. Oh, so wrong.<BR>I came in from work this morning, and there were boxes all over, and it hit me....this is it....this is what it has finally came down to.<P>She came home tonight and we was packing more stuff. We took a break, and it hit both of us at the sametime. We looked at each other, and we both broke down and started crying. We never in a million years thought that this would happen. We both agreed that this is crazy.<P>I thought I would have to cry for both of us, because she seemed to be taking it in stride, showing no emotions. Tonight showed me otherwise. She is finding it hard to do this, but do this she says she must. Not about the OW. But trying to make it on her own. She says that this is probably harder on her than it is on me. She is the one who is walking out. I told her I'm the one who is watching the love of my life walking out. Watching the love of my life showing no emotions whatsoever while packing. It had looked like to me that she was perfectly fine with what she was doing. Happy to be what she was doing. I couldnt believe that in a 10 year relationship that one could just walk away with out looking back. But tonight showed me different.<BR> I didnt have to cry for both of us.<P>I dont know if this was wrong of me, but I told her that the door would always be open for her, anytime of day or night. I do love her, there will always be special place in my heart for her.<P>She told me that she wants to remain friends. She wants to keep in contact with each other.<BR>She told me that she will alway be there for me, and if I needed to talk I could pick up the phone or come by.<P>What a rush of emotions. This pain is alot on both of us.<BR>I realize now that i dont want her to leave.<BR>I also told her that its to soon to get a divorce, and she agreed, she said that we will cross that bridge when we get to it.<P>So I dont know what to think now.<P>Can anyone help me out here? Please.