Can anyone give me help on how to get my wife to send more time with me. She works third shift and I work first. When she is at home she spends all her time with our son, who is 7. In the last month we have had no time together. My love units are down so low that I would not even ask her for a date. HELP!!<br>

Good idea -- ask her for a date!!<p>Then plan something that she won't forget for a long long time .

Just get a sitter <br>get a hotel room that has room service and go there and watch a movie, snuggle, have dinner<br>delivered, hang a do not disturb sign on<br>the door...then enjoy your evening..<br>I am sure she will be thrilled <br>have fun...

I have tried to ask for date, but she just says "When ever". I have ask her to set up 10 hours a week to be together, and she said that she could not have any set time to send with me. Any more help? I am at the end of my rope.

So you work pretty normal hours and she works the midnight shift?? What about dinner, do you have it together? If not, make it a rule (not you, as a family). Spend time with both of them, when she sees that you aren't JUST interested in having sex, but also with being with her and making a strong family she will likely become more loving. I know that even Dr. Harley says to spend 15 hrs a week together, but that sounds like SO much to some people. Start in little chunks. Get her to spend ANY time with you. I just know from anyone I've even known working midnights, you just become on a totally different schedule from the rest of the world. I think it is kind of isolating. Do you have any weekend time together? Is her schedule consistant (the same days every weeks?). She sounds like she might be overwhelmed. You may need to help bring her stress level down. <br>ALSO---don't give her the chance to say whenever---YOU plan it. (make sure though that she doesn't have any set plans for that day already)<p>[This message has been edited by GBM (edited 01-17-99).]

get a new job. Period. One or the other must qiut their job and get on the other shift. You can not spend time together working two different shifts. It eats away at a marriage. Been there done that. Would change it if I could.

I believe being on different shifts is one of the many reasons that my H wound up in an affair. There was no way to spend a lot of time together.<p>You definitely need to fix this somehow, IMO ...<p>terri

I think you should plan the date including the day and time. Arrange for a sitter and take care of any details that could get in the way. Then when its just the two of you spend a little time just warming up walking and talking an activity etc. until she relaxes. I think she might then come around a bit. It seems to me that it would be incredibly overwhelming to work the midnight shift then come home and get your family off to work/school and then try and sleep. Is she getting enough sleep? Who watches the 7 year old after school? Is it you wife? If so simple math tells me shes probably only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep each night. This can really cause wear and tear on personal relationships. If she dosen't have enough time for herself she can't possibly have any to share. Concentrate on making sure she is getting her needs met for the time being, and make that date.

My wife works as a nurse at a local ER. She works most of the time from 7 PM to 7 AM. The nights that she works changes form week to week. On the nights that she works I carry our son to school and help him with his home work, also I do the clothes, dishes. We split the cooking. On the weekends that she works I try to plan something with our son so that no one is in the house to keep her awake. On Saturdays we will go hiking or swimming if the weather is warm, or skating if the weather is cold. On Sunday after church we try to do the same between morning and evening services. During ball season I go to each game, she will go if she is not working. The time I spend with our son seems to be one of the things she does not like, she wants us to stay home while she sleeps. Anyone with a young cild knows that it is almost imposible to sleep wiht one around. She does not seem to think that we need time as husband and wife, in fact she has said that it should be a "Family outing or nothing". My wifes mother and father live in the same town as we do, they have say that they would keep our son after school, but my wife says that that is the only time she can see him. She could get a job working almost the same hours that our son is in school, but she does not want to.<br>Any more help?<br>

pardue,<p>It seems to me that your wife does not see how much this is affecting you. I think she could give up one afternoon a week with her son to spend some time with you. You need to explain to her how important this is to you. Make the arrangements and do it. You can not put this off any longer. <p>Steph

pardue --<p>This is all starting to sound very familiar to me. I suspect that your wife is deliberately creating a new life for herself that does not include you. That's what happened to me the two years prior to our separation. I got caught up in the little details, unable to make any progress trying to explain to my wife how her actions, decisions, and behavior were affecting me and our family. I only realized later (too late) that she was well aware of what she was doing. In her mind (subconciously, perhaps?), we were already divorced. Or to put in terms familiar to everyone here, she was already very withdrawn from me and our relationship. My arguments didn't really have any effect, mainly because she no longer cared. The love she once felt for me was gone, and she no longer believed it could ever be there again. Even though we were still together and having some good times together, she was mostly just preparing for the time when she truly WOULD be on her own.

slowlerner<p>It seems as if you were right. Last Friday I asked my wife what she wanted and if we had a chance, she said that she did not have any feelings for me and that she did not know if she wanted to be married any more. Today I asked again if we had chance to get back together, she said that she did not know. She seems to have no feelings for me now.<p>To all who read this,<p>I wish your prayers

pardue,<p>I to was once where your wife is at now. Don't give up on her. I had given up on our marriage and was just "going through the motions". My big mistake was not realizing that I to had to work on my marriage in order for us to by happy, not just my husband. I kept waiting for it to "just get better". I obviously don't know how your wife feels,but I can suggest a few things. First, like I said, don't give up on her. Second,leave the door open to her. By this I mean, offer her options. If she doesn't respond positively to your idea of a date try not to show disapointment or anger instead offer something requiring less time and planning.(a walk to the coffee shop/a bike ride/a game of chess etc..)Third, keep trying to communicate, even when you don't getmuch response. And fourth, keep showing her you care--leave her notes,bring home a rose, take care of something around the house she normally does. I hope this helps a little. I know it isn't easy. Good luck to you

Rosie,<p>How do I not give up. When everything I have tried fails. I ask what her needs are and she tells me that she does not know. She does not wish to talk and will not give any ideas about what I need to change or do to make her happy. I feel like her father, I pay the bills and all she does is pay for her car and clothes for herself and our son. I would try anything to make this marrage work, but anything I fails. It looks like that I am in for a long marrage with no love.