I am a very unhappy husband. At the same time a happy father of three. My wife and I have been in counceling for a total of about 3 years. We have been married 7. I did cheat on her about 2 years ago. We were going to get a divorce, but managed to work things out and got back together. I do not blame her for me straying however she is very hard to live with. Nothing I do is good enough. And I do alot. She is a stay at home mom. I make enough, just enough to get by. She has refused to get a job and her perfomance with domestic duties is sorely lacking. Like I said, I do alot. Alot more than any of my coworkers do and most of thier wives work. The love is gone at least from my piont of view. We barely speak and I find myself looking in some one elses direction. I recently told our councelor about my feelings. He in turn told my wife and now that the relationship is in jeopardy she has made some changes. She has been at this for about 1 month but I see her slipping backward to where she was before. Our councelor gave us sixty days to see if things could change. I truely believe that we have done all we can to make the relationship better. It always goes back to the way it was before. I do not think that anything she does will make a difference. The sixty days has another 30 left on it. Should we just separate and call it quits now? Can I be sure that we have done all we can to try and repair our marraige? I do not want to have another affair. I do not want to hurt her like that again. This is so difficult I don't know what to do. I know we have a councelor and he is very good, but I wanted to get a real persons piont of view. I am not perfect either but I do believe that I have made alot of changes in the last 2 years. I am a recovering alcoholic and I do try all of the suggestions given to us by the councelor. She just seems to stare at the wall when it comes to discussing her and the changes she needs to make for the relationship. We have three kids the oldest are 3 years old (twins) and the youngest is 8 months. I know the kids sense something is wrong and the longer we stay together the more the kids are hurt by this. Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She has refused to get a job and her perfomance with domestic duties is sorely lacking.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We have three kids the oldest are 3 years old (twins) and the youngest is 8 months.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Does anyone else think that there may be a problem with unreasonable expectations here?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by drickles:<BR><B>I do not blame her for me straying however she is very hard to live with. Nothing I do is good enough. And I do alot. She is a stay at home mom. I make enough, just enough to get by. I do alot. Alot more than any of my coworkers do and most of thier wives work.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I'm not of the Dr. Laura mindset that daycare is poison, but I think it's a bit early for the youngest. The money issues seem painful--what can you do to earn more and get your wife some help around the house? Even if you have to take a (k)night job.<P>Here's my thinking: she doesn't admire you. This is not to say that you are not admirable; or that she is admirable. The simple fact is that she does not admire you. I bet she does not value what you do around the house. Maybe doesn't like seeing you doing "her" work. Why doesn't she do it? Because if she does, you will come home from work and play with the kids and think your life is great. Why doesn't she get a job? Because she will be "abandoning" her kids during the day. <P>There is a lot of convoluted, fouled-up thinking here, but you're not going to tease it into place with logic. The solution is to regain her admiration, by hook or by crook. I bet that admiration comes with *money*.<P>If you are around the house in your off hours, she's simply looking at someone she doesn't admire doing something she doesn't value (because it's "her" work--again, nevermind that she's not doing it). <P>Now, suppose you use your off-hours to get more education or take a second job. You're out of her face, she has no choice but to do her own work, and there is more money coming into the house (or at least the promise of more money). You might even take that extra money and get her some domestic help, or better appliances, or decorate the house better so it looks nice while she is in it, or whatever. And you're too busy and tired to look toward other women.<P>The point would be that if you restore yourself to the knight in shining armor that she thinks *you* should be; she may get back the feelings that *she* needs to have so that she generates in you the feelings that *you* need to have. <P>I know this reads like a bunch of "Promisekeepers" stuff; but so be it. Somehow, there is an unmet need that drags your wife down, keeps her from meeting your needs, and consequently drags you down. If what you're trying isn't working, try something else.

My vote is....yes you should get a divorce. Look at it this way, she'd get custody and you can "visit" your kids. Also, if you think money is tight now try supporting two homes. Or better yet, the court could make her get a job and then the kids could loose their mom during the day while she works and you could become a dad that visits. There is a possibility that you'd meet a really great woman being a newly divorced man. I'm sure she'd be happy to step right up to the plate and help care for your very small kids when they visit your home. I'm sorry, I'm not being a smart mouth, I'm just trying really hard to let you get a picture of what divorce very well could be like for you. I do believe you when you feel like the love is gone in your marriage and that's tough. Ya know, I have two kids of my own, although they are older then yours. I can remember when they were young and being perfectly honest, I know I could not have been a stay at home mom. Being home with small kids is more exhausting and stressful then going to work. You don't appreciate what she DOES do and she doesn't appreciate what you Do. So, your both are envious of the other. Although she's happy being home with your kids I would bet you a part of her is extremely jealous that you get out during the day. You have adult conversation, your respected etc...Also, (from being there myself) small kids are extremely hard on a marriage. Kids are the ultimate test and since your kids are young and close in age your marriage takes a larger hit. PLEASE, please don't give up on it. As difficult as it is try and find time, no MAKE time to be a lone with your wife. Even if it's only a half hour after the kids go to bed to just communicate with her. Focus on what she gets done during the day instead of what she doesn't. Maybe things aren't perfect because she was giving YOUR kids 1 + 1 attention. Give her breaks at night. When your playing with the kids let her go for a walk. Encourage her to find a neighbor mom to hang out with. Please try and find a way to support each other because the alternative will make you even more unhappy.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by drickles:<BR><B>Nothing I do is good enough. And I do alot. She is a stay at home mom. I make enough, just enough to get by. She has refused to get a job and her perfomance with domestic duties is sorely lacking. Like I said, I do alot. Alot more than any of my coworkers do and most of thier wives work.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Comparing your domestic role with your coworkers' domestic roles is not going to help you. This is a matter to be worked out strictly between you and your wife. <P>It sounds like there are serious respect issues on both sides here. Nothing you do is good enough, but apparently nothing she does is good enough either. You don't say <I>why</I> your wife refuses to get a job (is it because she wants to be there for your kids, or because she is lazy?), and the explanation for her "lacking" domestic "performance" could be any combination of laziness, lack of skill, depression, differing expectations, being overwhelmed (three young kids make quite an exhausting handful), passive-aggressive behavior, etc. Do you know what the reasons are? Does she?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She has been at this for about 1 month but I see her slipping backward to where she was before. Our councelor gave us sixty days to see if things could change. I truely believe that we have done all we can to make the relationship better. It always goes back to the way it was before. I do not think that anything she does will make a difference. The sixty days has another 30 left on it. Should we just separate and call it quits now? Can I be sure that we have done all we can to try and repair our marraige?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Until you understand the <I>reasons</I> for each other's feelings and behavior, and have done all you can to make intelligent adjustments, you will not have done all you can. Sixty days is hardly any time at all, and your wife obviously made an effort to change. Do you know <I>why</I> her effort is now waning? Does she have any positive motivation to change, or is her only motivation to avoid the negative outcome of you leaving?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I do not want to have another affair. I do not want to hurt her like that again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If your wife doesn't want you to leave, then leaving her may well hurt her as much or more than having another affair. It's just a different form of betrayal.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She just seems to stare at the wall when it comes to discussing her and the changes she needs to make for the relationship.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed? Maybe she is feeling guilty? I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about this.<P>It would be a mistake to think that any kind of substantive change is likely to happen overnight. You need to learn to see small bits of progress in a positive light, and be patient. See if you can find John Gottman's and/or Susan Page's books on marriage.<P>Obviously, you've only been able to give us a tiny fraction of the whole story, but it seems to me that you've got a long way to go before it is necessary to give up hope.<BR>