Dear Friends and second family,<P>On the quest to rediscover myself I have found that I need to do what is best for me.<P>I have been posting for almost 4 months, lurking for a lot longer than that. In some ways I have become close to a few of you, more so than I ever expected. And to others, I have followed your stories, grieved with your hard times, and rejoyced with your good ones, regardless of if I have posted those feelings or not. You guys are my friends, and this saddens me greatly to say this, but I think that I need to go back into the dark recesses of my mind and clear out the rats and cobwebs. So, for right now at least, this is a temporary goodbye.<P>Many things have changed during the past year in my life. When I started to come here, there was still a little bit of a void in my life from my marriage. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was okay or not. I was still hurting some. I felt lost and confused. Since that point in time, I as a person have become stronger, able to voice my feelings and frusterations. I have and will always be rediscovering myself. Since all this started in my life, well over 15 months ago, I have changed. <P>My stbx recently stated that he no longer wants to D. He doesn't want to D, but he is still unwilling to work on any of the issues that plauged our marriage. The anger, the violence, and so much more that I don't want to even speak of here. Due to his unwillingness to try and work on improving himself, to go to counsling, to stop threatening me as well as himself, I can not go back into that situation nor let my child be placed into such a situation again. I have already received flames enough for me no longer wanting the relationship from some of my close and personal friends, but if you are insistant on doing that with me, I hope that will respect my wish to e-mail me dirrectly at the address listed below where I would be more than willing to discuss it with you.<P>To all newbies (don't be offended at the term, I still consider myself one as well), my advice to you, read all you can here. Ask your questions. Become informed and do what is best for you. The ideas, principles, and concepts here are very sound. And even if they don't work in your current situation, carry them with you for your future, be it your current marriage or a future relationship. You will never find such a vastly diverse group of people here. Everyone carries in here a different level of expierences from their lives, you will never find such a broad range of opinionated people in one area. It is truly a good thing. Use it for your advantage.<P>I am sure that I will be back. To say differently I would be only trying to fool myself. I am sure that there will be times when I will find myself as always lurking in the shadows. You all have become a cherished part of my life to not do that.<P>I wish you all well. Take care of yourselves.<P>~Java<P>java_all_night_long@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by JavaAllNightLong (edited January 23, 2001).]

(((((Java))))),<P>You have been an inspiration! Sorry to see you go although I feel that I am also at similar crossroads. I wish to ditto your thoughts as to how MB's and the people who post here. These forums and the people with whom I have shared thoughts with have been a lifeline during some tremendous tough times in my life the last three years.<P>I lurked for a long time, then jumped in and began posting to threads during August 2000. I wish you well also and will always think of you when I drink that first cup of "Java" in the morning! Always did like your "handle".<P>Best that life has to offer coming your way from me!<P>Ragamuffin

Hi Java,<P>I'm sorry to see you go. I've always enjoyed your thoughts and insights and will miss seeing you on here. I don't post as much as I used to, perhaps that's a sign of my inner healing. I certainly hope so.<P>I am very disappointed that your STBX doesn't even want to try to fix the problems. I would do anything for the chance to fix my relationship with my STBX, but that is beyond my control, just as his refusal to seek couneling and work on his issues is beyond yours. I think he is making a huge mistake, but that is his loss.<P>Only you can decide what the right course is for you. I don't think the issue is one of you not wanting to work on your marriage, but rather being unwilling to continue working on it alone. I think there's a big difference.<P>Take care Steph...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited January 23, 2001).]

I haven't posted much to you, but have read lots of great posts from you. Best of luck, your wisdom and insight will be much missed.<P>I hope that all works out of you and whatever you want! Happy days! <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

Java, <P>Best of luck where ever you go, what ever you decide. Your posts have been very thoughtful and revealed great insight. Thankyou for sharing your experience, strength and hope, and please know that you will be missed.<P>Bumper

Java...<P>I wish you wouldn't go...I will miss seeing your postings here!<P>I do wish you the best...You'll get it, I am certain!<P>Bill

Java,<BR>After my H came back home after the first affair I posted in the recovery forum for awhile and still checked into the general forum. After a few months I just had to take a break from here. I can understand why you feel that you need to take a break for awhile.<P>As for you not wanting to resume your marriage I can totally understand that. This is just not his choice anymore its yours also. If he isn't willing to try to get help and to work on what was wrong in the marriage it will fail again. You were there and you lived it everyday. People change, situations change. If my X to come to me today and tell me that he wasn't going to marry OW and he wanted me back I wouldn't hesitate to say NO. I've changed as I'm sure you have also. If you are like me you have become so much more independant and can see what was wrong with your relationship.<BR>Do not feel bad about the decision you made. This is your life and you need to do what is best for you.<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

Java,<BR>Well, let me start by saying that this in no way means you are off the hook.... we still need to meet up and have that drink! <P>You won't get any flames from me on your decission to not accept the marriage with out his committment to work on the problmes. I agree with Jillybean... if he won't work on it, it will only fail again... you've already been through so much, why do it all over again.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Steph}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Take care of YOU & your son. Take a break, refresh, and if you want or need to, come back anytime.... the door is always open (I know, I've walked back through it many times).<P>Smooches!!!!<BR>B

Hi Java,<P>good luck. I won't say goodbye, but see you later!!<P>Have a great break, do what you want to do, and have some peace. It's so hard to find, I find that when I have peaceful days, I cherish them.<P>I also went AWOL from here for a while, for about 3 months. I guess sometimes we need a breather from all this, to try and find that inner peace we are all seeking.<P>I can't believe people flamed you for your decision. Where violence is involved, and the person is not willing to work on the issues, I would think you have no choice. Especially if a child is involved. Every book I have ever read says that abuse is not acceptable if the person is not acknowledging it. Violence is not negotiable. It's not acceptable. You have my full support for your decision. I would do the same. The welfare of my children will ALWAYS be first with me, and then my welfare is second. (Well, that's how it is at the moment!!)<P>Take care of you and your baby. Keep yourself well, and I hope you find some peace.<P>Thank you for all your supportive posts to me. They have meant a lot. Please post occasionally and let us know how you are<P>love and hugs<P>Jo

Thank you guys for your kind replies. As I said, I consider you all my friends and second family.<P>As I said, I know that I will still come back and lurk from time to time, it is just that right now I am at a point in my life where I feel that I need to once again work on deconstructing myself and building myself back into the kind of person that I one day hope to be.<P>To all of you... you know where to reach me. I hope to still keep in touch with you guys. And hey, you all know me.... I love humor, so don't leave me out of the jokes! <P>And to Butterfly, and anyone else who travles my way.... I would love to meet you all in person and we could definatly go out for desert and coffee or something like that!!<P>Hugs and love to you all!!!<BR>Steph