Well, it's been nearly a week since my wife's relative should have received information that outed XW's family secret (without identifying her to the recipient); and also since I sent her the e-mail telling her I'd done it (for those new to this situation: she held a family secret that she had let me in on. It was something that distressed her, and meant that unsuspecting family members might be at risk from another family member. I felt it was unfinished business that I was morally obligated to finish, and so after requesting she work with me on it and waiting nearly a month for any reply on the subject, I "outed" it myself in the least disruptive way possible. Those new to this story should also understand that my original thinking was that I was angry at her and wanted to broadcast the secret to her whole family from one of her e-mail accounts I still have access to, forging the message using her name and casting the message in the most distressing terms possible, right before the whole family got together for Christmas. That's how out-of-touch with their feelings guys are). <P>I haven't heard a word good or ill from her on this subject or any other. Just before I informed her that the secret had been outed, she had sent me the title to my car, which I had asked her in e-mail to sign and forward. It wasn't signed. I had typed her name on it where it needed a signature, but there was no highlighting or signature tab because I assumed that we would be meeting to go over closing matters--rather than that I had given her the whole file at our last meeting. But ... she is a professional. She *had* to know this thing needed to be signed, and I had said so in the e-mail. Instead, she simply signed and had notarized the bill of sale (a backup document I didn't really need anyway). <P>It's just not like her to be avoidant on things--she's more confrontational. Maybe she doesn't know what effect my anonymous note to the relative had, and is waiting for any shoes that may start dropping so that when she confronts me the whole story will have already played out. Obviously she can't inquire about the situation directly because that would tip off the recipient that she has a part in this little drama. Right now, the recipient may strongly suspect it's her, but has no confirmation.<P>So ... no answer on that e-mail, or on the e-mail mentioning *my* problem with the unsigned title. I just have a vacuum.<P>Which I guess I'll have to live with.

A week is <I>not</I> enough time to make any valid assumptions. I finally got my wife's response to my interrogatory about two-and-a-half weeks ago. It was the first time I had gotten an explanation from her about why she left me in the six months since she left, and it sent me into such a tizzy that it took me about a week before I could figure out how to react.<P>I suspect anyone who has gotten hit with a bombshell revelation would need a similar period to allow their reactions to settle.<BR>

Sys,<P>Not having as clue as to what the big "secret" is, I say you just Lovebusted on an astronomical level...Breaking a trust is a <B>HUGE</B> Disrespecful Judgement...<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WilliamJ:<BR><B>Not having as clue as to what the big "secret" is, I say you just Lovebusted on an astronomical level...Breaking a trust is a HUGE</B> Disrespecful Judgement...<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to agree. Unfortunately, other options were lacking. And I did <I>not</I> identify her. If she is able to keep her cool, she is actually in a <I>better</I> position because this is something she knew she was going to have to deal with eventually anyway, and now it has been done for her without bringing her name into it.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001941.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001941.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001974.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001974.html</A> <P>This was one of those situations where to lovebust or not to lovebust was not the real issue. The marriage is long over, with little chance of reconciliation, and this was something I just couldn't continue to carry. It was no easier for her to carry I'm sure, but it was near-impossible for her to "out".

Sisyphus,<P>Even before reading the links you attached, I had assumed that the secret you refer to outing probably related to incest. It is the sort of terrible secret which families often try to sweep under the rug.<P>Such dark family secrets damage not only the ones directly harmed, and there are usually more than one, but often their future spouses and children. There is a ripple effect that leads to pain, and possibly destruction, for many.<P>In any case, you now have a clear conscience. That is something which neither your wife, nor any of the "see no evil, speak no evil" crowd in her family can claim.<P>Steve

Sisyphus,<P>If your ex's family secret involved incest or child molestation, I would agree that outing it was the responsible thing to do. <P>I have a friend whose uncle molested her over many years when she was a child. When she did finally tell someone, they pushed it under the rug. Still do. This man had "access" to other children in the family. Who knows how many other children were harmed.<P>I know that this "secret" of hers haunted her well into adulthood. Still does. The fact that noone in her family can validate her pain is very, very hurtful to her still, and she is in her 50's. A long time to be carrying that burden. <P>

Well, my conscience isn't entirely clear because I know nothing about what has happened as a result of what I tried to do:<P>1. Did the letter reach the relative?<P>2. If so, was it taken seriously?<P>3. Did the relative keep his yap shut, or has he created a major issue out of it? (perp's family are obviously innocent--but suppose there's an enmity between the relative and perp that I don't know about [having been out of touch]--this is a mercurial bunch, and relative has been known to literally wave things in people's faces).<P>4. Has XW handled this with aplomb, or have things gone wrong from her end.<P>5. How does XW feel about this?--I hope it has brought her some peace because something difficult has been taken care of for her rather than her having to take the heat for it.<P>All of this remains open to speculation.<P>If there had been a clearly correct course, I would have followed it a long time ago--and the question would never have come up.

I guess like in most of our situations, no matter what the details, time will tell.<P>You have done the right thing. It could not be swept under the carpet any longer.<P>Jo

Sisyphus,<P>If you are wondering how much attention other family members paid to an anonymous letter, there is a real simple answer. Not much. In my line of work, we get anonymous complaints and poison pen letters daily. We investigate all of them before 99 and 44/100% of them wind up in the appropriate file, never to be referred to again.<P>Anonymous letters tend to be composed of inuendo, gossip, opinions and crap. They are long on bs and short on actual facts. Most anonymous letter writers don't have any personal knowledge of the things they allege, it is usually something they heard second or third hand, or just fabricated themselves. They are a favorite tool of character assasins.<P>A lot more attention would have been paid to a letter where the sender identified himself and accepted the consequences of his disclosure. It implies that the sender believes the disclosure is: A. True and B. That the matter is so important that the sender is putting the welfare of others ahead of his own need for anonymity in order to protect them. The honorabe thing to do. <P>It has been speculated that this "family secret" involved either incest or child abuse. It that is true, it seems to me that any family member with this knowledge had a very high moral duty to bring this information to the attention of the proper authorities so the child could be protected. <P>I have developed a unique method for handling the anonymous letters I receive personally. I ignor them.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B>It has been speculated that this "family secret" involved either incest or child abuse. It that is true, it seems to me that any family member with this knowledge had a very high moral duty to bring this information to the attention of the proper authorities so the child could be protected. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>XW's tale to me was <I>very</I> credible.<P>Without saying whether either or both speculations were the case, XW wasn't upholding her moral duty. Admittedly, I have taken the second-easiest way out (easiest, if I count my conscience as part of the equation). But that was to protect XW--I'd be more than happy to walk right up to recipient and tell him this, but I think it would be devastating for XW if I did so. So the purpose of my anonymity was to protect her anonymity--the two were inseparable.<P>I don't need the letter to be taken very seriously, a mere heightened state of alert on recipient's part would be enough for me. That should happen regardless of the low credibility of the medium.<P>Involving the authorities at this point is too late in one case, likely too early in the other (I hope). <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 26, 2001).]

Still no word, although I have e-mailed her an update on some unfinished tax business she had asked about ... nothing but silence from her side.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<P><BR>Involving the authorities at this point is too late in one case, likely too early in the other (I hope). <P>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>If you are refering to the statute of limitations you might be surprised.<BR><P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Paul Moyers:<BR><B>If you are refering to the statute of limitations you might be surprised.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, there may be an argument for tolling a limitation even if one exists, but if I were a state's attorney, I would be hesitant to bring a twenty-year-old case with no physical evidence where a reluctant-witness victim isn't even the complainant and the victim and perp live in the same county hundreds of miles away. <P>Plus I don't think it would be fair to the perp's family, who would be blindsided by this old skeleton falling out of the closet.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> XW's tale to me was <I>very</I> credible. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sisyphus,<P>You are a good man and a great contributer to this forum. You don't have to justify your actions to me, I don't wish to debate the issue. I merely posted a view point for you to consider or ignor, reject or accept as you will. I don't think what I wrote is any more or less valid than any other post here, just different. Hopefully, somewhere in the posts on the thread someone will post an idea that will be useful to you. <P>"When the one that you loved becomes a memory, may that memory become a treasure."<P>Bumper <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B>"When the one that you loved becomes a memory, may that memory become a treasure."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Where's the quote from? I like it.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> Where's the quote from? I like it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GDP, <P>As far as I know, the author of that is anonymous. I heard it in a session with folks whose parents and loved ones have Alzehiemer's. A lady thought her aging father was cold and aloof, incapable of human sensitivity. Like most men, he just didn't get "it". When she was going through his stuff, she found that written on a scrap of paper, in his handwriting. <P>It revealed a side of her father she didn't realize existed. It helped her to realize that for many years she didn't quite get "it" either. <P>Bumper<P>

Eerie silence continues.<P>She ignored the penguin/dwarves joke.<P>She has not responded to a late notice on the Saab payments that I sent her. I hope she's not going to wreck our credit out of spite.<P>She has not even picked up (to my knowledge) a bluemountainarts.com card (I do get a confirmation of that, don't I?) I sent on account of our upcoming would-be-12th anniversary. <P>Very spooky.

Well, I sent the bluemountainarts card as a self-extracting .exe file of color printouts of the two pages.<P>No response.<P>I let her know that I found out from the bank that the Saab payment had been made.<P>No response.<P>I actually tried calling her cell phone today. For me that's sticking my neck <I>waay</I> out.<P>Hit voicemail -- quickly enough that the phone was evidently <B>off</B>.<P>I hate to admit it, but I'm hungry for <I>some</I> response from her. I know I did something that must be hard for her to stomach, but of course it needed doing (or if it didn't need doing anymore she sure could have told me <I>that</I> too, when I first broached the subject).<P>I know that I have been avoidant when I was simply afraid to begin a dialogue ... not really meaning <I>never</I>, rather being in a place where I didn't feel like connecting right then for whatever reason (fear, anger, uncertainty about what it was I was feeling, or would say--an unreadiness to sort through it all). <P>Sometimes the membrane that separated me from reaching out (or accepting someone's reach toward me) was achingly thin, but ultimately remained impregnable. <P>After the breakup, that was what <I>I</I> was like, and I turned to others for solace. I have been well-rewarded in that effort. But if I can't communicate with my XW, I can't move toward this "closure" which I often scoffed at a bit, but which now seems so crucial. <P>And none of this silence is characteristic of the XW, <I>at least the XW I knew</I>.<P>Someone tell me: What more can I do? What more should I do?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>But if I can't communicate with my XW, I can't move toward this "closure" which I often scoffed at a bit, but which now seems so crucial. <P>And none of this silence is characteristic of the XW, <I>at least the XW I knew</I>.<P>Someone tell me: What more can I do? What more should I do? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Welcome to the club. I am intimately familiar with this limbo. As I see it, you've got three possible strategies:<P>1. Wait. This is what I've mostly been doing.<P>2. Keep sending signals into the blankness without the benefit of feedback. For the last six months I stopped doing this, but I am planning to ease back into doing it again. I want to keep the frequency low to minimize the potential for provocation.<P>3. Force a response. This, of course, is lovebuster territory, and is not generally recommended. I am limiting my use of this strategy to what I can do through the legal system, and trying to avoid anything that might be construed as an attack.<P>Only time and hindsight will tell you what you could or should have done. At this point it's <I>all</I> guesswork. I hope you like flying blind...<BR>

Yeah, that's kind of what I figured. I guess I'll have to treat her like a misoriented satellite and send an occasional "ping" out in the hope of regaining contact. Perhaps I'll try various types of <I>pings</I>, looking for one that will encourage a response. There's still much to do, and it appears that the will to do it has vanished on her part. <P>Many speculations occur to me, running the full gamut from her being so happily distracted I'm not even noticed, to her having experienced a completely debilitating emotional crash. From her being so angry she can't stand even the idea of me, to being afraid to express a sense of gratitude. <P>I can't deny that it makes me think about a couple of different potential uses for that CD-ROM. One would be to employ it destructively; the other would be the gesture of turning over my <I>secret weapon</I>.