This is my first time posting under this topic. I did post a few messages on the affair/pregnancy topic. I am feeling so lonely right now. I just found out a couple of hours ago that H wants out. H has been avoiding me alot lately (I suspect he was with OW who supposedly was pregnant until she lost it on Friday). However, H has been telling my that he can't stand OW and that as soon as baby was born he would try to get custody.<P>I know he is going through alot and he admitted when he told me this morning (via e-mail) that he is not sure what is going on with him. I know that he was kind of happy about the baby (just because he thought he couldn't have any and really loves kids). He told me on Monday that he was sad and glad about the baby and felt guilty about being glad.<P>Anyway, he didn't come write out and say he wanted a divorce. Instead, he said that he knew that my family were telling me to leave and that they didn't like him. He said he thought that would eventually matter to me.<P>He also said he felt so guilty about the affair and that his self-worth is really low and that he sometimes thinks he doesn't deserve me. Anyway, I don't know if this is all a pack of lies (he has been lying alot about affair). Although we haven't been living together for months, we saw and talked to each other everyday. I spent alot of time talking about the affair and I am afraid that I drove him away.<P>Anyway, I just don't understand why he did a complete 360 degree turn in his attitude. We were supposed to be going on a cruise and I told him last week that I didn't know whether I wanted to go. He encouraged me and said that this may be just what we need to set things on the right path again, etc. He had also told me that he knew that her being pregnant (we didn't know whether was his or not) that I was really suffering and that he thought about telling me it was over between us until after the baby was born and he got things straightened out. But, he told me that he just couldn't bring himself to tell me that because he thought, "what if she finds someone else during those 3 months?" I don't know maybe that was just another lie, too.<P>Anyone have any advice? I still want to save our marriage. Next, month we would have been married 10years and I've been with him since I was 17yrs old so he is my first and only real love.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dolphin:<BR><B>Anyway, he didn't come write out and say he wanted a divorce. Instead, he said that he knew that my family were telling me to leave and that they didn't like him. He said he thought that would eventually matter to me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The in-laws can make or break a marriage. Where do yours stand? If there is one who has been through a lot of tough situations, maybe that one can talk to him. I hope for your sake they believe in redemption, etc.<P>His concerns are an opportunity to offer reassurance. If you can't offer it about them, offer it about your attitude toward them. If you don't have the same judgmental attitudes they have, you need to let him know why you don't, and how strongly you hold to your beliefs.<P>One problem is that you think a lot of what he says may be deceptive. Either he is deceptive, or you are untrusting. Even if he *is* deceptive, a lot of it may be because you don't make it safe for him to tell the truth. <P>I'm not blaming you for the problems in your marriage. Clearly, he went off with OW and abandoned you. I don't know why that happened from what you wrote. But if you learn about Plan A and Plan B, you will be able to better triangulate a path back to him. It does sound like you were doing a pretty good Plan A whether you realized it or not (except, perhaps, for talking about the affair more than he wanted to hear--that's a Mars/Venus sex difference you should educate yourself about). <P>You might do a search for NSR's posting of general welcome (there is a link above to a search page for all the messageboards). It has lots of links to other posts, books, etc. that can help you.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 24, 2001).]