My STBX H is having an affair and is currently living with his grandparents. He only took his clothes with him. He has no responsibilities at this time-just goes to work the gym and than goes w/ OW. (She has 3 children and living with her parents) H has left his belongings at our house because he has no where to store things. I am guessing that he will not get an aprartment because they are planning to move in with each other. H has been using me for over 2 months now. Since H has not and will not work on our marriage and does not see anything wrong with him and OW my counselor suggested I move his stuff over to his grandparents and let him figure out where to put it. (I can think of a place he could stick it!!) Anyways any suggestions on this. Yes I am mad at H but he really has been hurtful to me. I am not doing this out of spite I am doing it because H is using me and is not taking any responsibility at this time and it is too hurtfull to live in this house with all of his stuff still in it. I plan on dropping it off when he is at work. We know he will get mad but this is a consequense of him walking out and leaving me for OW. It also will show him that he is being let go of. Any suggestions would be helpful.

1. You don't need him traipsing around your house gathering things even if he can do it reasonably respectfully.<P>2. It shouldn't be your job to go to the GPs' and drop it off--that's coddling him ... and it might not be done to his satisfaction, and that would just create more hard feelings. <P>What you should probably do is collect it all as carefully as possible in one spot that is convenient for you but not risky for it (away from theft, weather, vermin, etc.); then let him know when he can come by to pick it up. Give him a drop dead date after which it all goes to charity.<P>There is no easy way to do this if the other side isn't cooperative. Good luck.

I agree with Sisyphus, except make the drop dead date no longer than 48 hrs. Ensure the pile includes his personal property and nothing else. Also, change all the locks where you live so he has no access at any time. I know the Salvation Army in some areas will send a truck to pick up items. You are doing the right thing. It's easy.

After much thought and some sleep I have decided not to go thru with this. It will only give him and OW something to talk about. Plus I will be the one walking around the house hauling the stuff. If he asks to come and get his stuff I will let him as long as he is willing to go over financial issues. Thats another reason why I have decided against this. He could cut off financial help I need at this time. I thought by doing this he would wake up. I really do not know if he will wake up. It will just cause more tension and make it easier for him to go thru with everything.

I hope there is someplace you can put it all out of sight and out of mind so that it doesn't continue to disturb you. I'm slightly concerned that you're taking the avoidant route but doing more damage to your psyche in the long run. <P>On the assumption the relationship is going noplace good, it's probably a good first step to hide all the reminders of him.

Dear TRS,<P>Just this month, after a year of my H's abandonment and moving in with OW, I packed all his stuff up (sort of carefully, but not all that carefully!), piled it in a out of the way corner of the garage and told him where it's at and that he should come out and get it.<P>My friends were all telling me to throw it all away, but I'm not like that. It made me sort of mad that I had to ever move it out of the house into the garage, but now my house feels like my own, and while I was packing it, it felt sort of empowering...like I was cleaning out the last vestages of cobwebs of him. He hasn't lived here in over a year and hasn't needed the stuff in all that time, so I'm not going to worry about what happens to it. <P>I've made a deal with myself. If it's not gone by September of 2001, I'll give him one week to come get it and then it's going to the dump or Salvation Army. Right now it in boxes and garbage bags in the garage...isn't harming me at all. In fact, because I live in Hawaii, if he doesn't come get it soon, it'll be full of mold and mildew in a few short months anyway. I feel kinda bad about that, but hey....it's not my stuff.<P>Another thing you could do is hire "movers" to pack it all up and have it delivered to him, with him as the person who has to pay the bill. When they come to get it all, just act like he's the one who set the whole thing up. (Just a suggestion....)<P>And who gives a rip if the OW and him talk about it? Probably everything he's ever mentioned to the OW about you has been one big fat lie anyway....so why care?<P>One thing I would suggest....talk to a lawyer about what rights you have. Find out what your options are for getting the financial help you need from him without depending on him for it. I finally came to a point where I took the reigns of our financial life and neatly divided up everything and made myself a budget from my paycheck alone. Then the joint bills, I very carefully and fairly, sat down and figured out my portion, his portion and made another joint budget. I sent him is copy in an e-mail (not in person as I didn't want to discuss it) and said that I expected him to put X amount of $ in the joint account each month. He didn't even argue and has done it each month (for 6 months now). I didn't even have to threaten a visit from my lawyer!<P>Don't know if this helps....just a few ideas. Try to figure out what you can take some control of in your life or in the remains of your marriage. You will find it starts to strengthen you some. And it does not necessarily close the door to reconciliation if handled properly.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited January 31, 2001).]