Well, it's been another weekly session - two today; we met together this afternoon and I met with the counselor by myself this evening.<p>It's been almost two weeks since he left. He's lost weight and he hasn't been sleeping any better than he was here. He seems depressed - our neighbor remarked on that - but he says he isn't. He says that the pressure is off and he has time to think and to reflect. I can't see any outward appearance of that helping, though. <p>This evening's session was time for me to reflect on the past 15 years. I have, for as long as I can remember, felt inadequate (even as - especially as - a teenager). And, my choice for a mate has reinforced that (and now I really feel it - after all, if I was adequate he would love me, right?). He never respected me, even though I tried and tried to earn his respect. I can't say I was treated badly - but that's a matter of opinion, isn't it? Most women would never have put up with what I have (I want to make it clear that I have never been abused). No matter how hard I tried, I was never "good enough" and I will never be good enough. That's his problem and it really shouldn't bother me. But it does because I want to be with him.<p>Why is that?<p>The counselor explained to me that some people will never be satisfied, and that's something within them. He may well be one of those people. This isn't something that has come about in the past four months (well, it has for me, but not for him); he was like this before we married.<p>It all comes down to this "choice" he keeps saying he needs to make. I believe he needs to decide to stay with his family; that if he chooses to be with us and make things better, it will be so. He isn't sure what he needs or wants. He says he loves me (but isn't "in love") and I choose to believe that. The counselor said that if that is true, he has to decide for himself whether to nurture that feeling or to kill it. <p>Why is that such a difficult choice to make? Here is a man who has everything: A wife who adores him despite everything. Three beautiful, healthy children (the ADHD/ODD seems to be under control at present), a job most people dream about, a nice home in the suburbs, the fast car, etc. etc. etc. <p>There's nothing I can do. I feel awkward when he comes home, but with each successive visit I suppose it gets a little easier. I get a hug, maybe a kiss when we part. We stay in pretty much constant contact while we're at work with the Instant Messanger. He initiates all conversation - I won't (and that's a big step for me). He calls every evening - to speak with the children, but he does talk to me, too.<p>There's something there. The counselor says that I have to be patient. How long to I have to wait? I'm lonely as hell, but (and how many people have pointed this out?) he hasn't been there for me in a very long time. Maybe it has only really sunk in since the affection factor dwindled to zero within the past couple of months.<p>And then there's the reality that maybe he won't come around. Not something I want to think about, but I guess I have to. <p>It's one thing to know I'll be okay if he chooses to make this separation permanent. But I don't want ot have to face that. I do have a lot going for me, and I'm really getting tired... of being lonely, of being sad, of waiting around.<p>His sister told me yesterday that I should "shock" him back to his senses by going out with another man. While I can see the merit of the suggestion, I just can't play that kind of game. Am I afraid that I'll find someone better, or am I afraid of being hurt again?<p>It gets harder and harder to keep the faith, but I'm still hanging in there. Thanks for listening.

{{{{{{{{{{Patient}}}}}}}}}}<p>Keep yourself as busy as you can - find some new interests if you can, renew old friendships and keep talking to us. Take care of yourself and your family...<p>terri

My husband left me a week ago. He said he needed to think about things. He says he loves me but just don't know what kind of love or how much of it. We still keep in contact by email, chat and phone calls. One thing we DO know is that we are FRIENDS. But by being apart, we can focus on what we had. Yes, I miss him terribly and wish he were here, but it sometimes you have to take a step back and look at things in a different perspective.<p>I would suggest that you don't go out with another man. That may shock him all right, but not in to coming back. It may show him that you don't want to try. And dating someone else while married IS NEVER a good idea. Try not to focus on the lonely part. It's hard to do sometimes. I just try to spend more time with the children and show them happiness. It has to be hard on them too. Focus on them and making them happy. And if you are anything like me, seeing my children happy, always makes me happy. And the bad things seem to disappear (momentarily). And like terri said, keep coming back here. It has helped me out a lot.<p>Good luck. And try to leave it in God's hands. Afterall, he's the only one who knows what will, and should happen.

Patient,<p>(((((((((HUGS))))))))<p>Take care of you. I was like you, always thinking that there was more that I could be doing to fix it. There isn't. So what you do is find YOU. Create a new you. A you that is happy, a you that is confident in who you are. A you that can survive whatever is to happen. There is an attractivness in finding strength. Be strong and come to us. We are here for you. You can make it. <p>Steph

Terri, Tenaya and Steph<p>Thank you. Terri and Steph, I have read a lot from you and somehow I knew I could count on you to respond. Each of you knows how much it means for someone to respond to a post.<p>I've been thinking over the past 24 hours that he really isn't - never has been - "good" for me. But when it comes right down to it that doesn't matter to me. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want to be with him; but now I want him to love me for me - not just for everything I do for him and the kids. And that's just it - for the past I don't know how many years I have done nothing but for him and the kids. I have only just begun to have a life - an identity - outside the family. Getting a job last March was the best thing I ever did for myself. And I can hardly wait to earn my Novell certificate.<p>I have been the "giver" in this relationship. And I can't imagine being anything but; I "want" and "need" but I don't think I could even force myself to be anything but.<p>I am confused in that everything I read leads me to believe that I am not allowed to "need". But I do. I need affection; I need to feel loved. Yes, I know my kids love me but that's not enough. His calling me just to say he loved me was enough. His holding me at night was enough. Sex... well, we won't go there (but I sure want to!).<p>For crying out loud, I'm only 35 years old - no, I am not "perfect" but I can and do still turn heads. I've got an awful lot going for me in that I am educated, self-sufficient and "stable" as far as that goes. My only problem seems to be that I have chosen an impossible man to fall in love with.<p>He knows I am the best thing that ever happened or ever will happen to him. He chased me all those years ago; not the other way around. <p>And as for his sister's suggestion about going out with another man, let's look at that in it's proper context. The threat of my leaving him or not taking him back has never been an issue. He has always been secure in the knowledge that no matter what he did I would forgive him. That's where the "shock" factor comes in. The thought that maybe I really could do better; that maybe I would draw the line and/or reject him. That maybe I would grow a backbone and enforce some boundaries. That's where she was coming from. I could never do that, though. It's not me and I'm a terrible liar.<p>Well, venting does help. Half a month down. Half a month to go. I am still optimistic but it's hard. You've all been there/are there. Thanks for listening and understanding. Hope you're in a better place than me. Really.