Hello All,<BR>Been some time since I've posted anything here, just been trying to deal with a few things on my own. Today was D-day for me, it's over now.........All during the proceedings I made it quite clear that I didn't want any of it to happen. My ex, sounds funny to say that, sat stoically and didn't even bat an eye. It all seems like such a waste, but I realized something today, after having many words with her while the lawyers sat there, that I have been under the illusion that all this would some how work its way out, that it was all a bad dream and I'd wake up soon, alas not to be. Well I did finally wake up today. I stopped harboring false hopes. I've come to the conclusion that during all this time I still saw the woman that I fell in love with and clung to that love, but the woman in that courtroom today was not the woman I fell in love with, I believe now that she died a year and a half ago but I didn't accept it. I was under the illusion that if a person could change from good to bad, why not from bad to good? I was wrong......<BR>So today I bid farewell to my wife and best friend whom I've cherished for so long, I only hope that now I can move forward but I know how difficult that's going to be, at least before there was hope, albeit false hope, but it was something nonetheless. To make matters worse, the woman in the courtroom accused me of everything she had done to me. Everything seemed to have become my fault, she settled the whole divorce and all it's consequences on my shoulders. It's a heavy burden to have to bear, and I for one will only shoulder half of it, even though I know I'm responsible for even less than that. I know I'm a good person, family and friends have told me on many occasions and they still don't understand why she let me go, frankly I don't understand either, nor will I ever it seems. My saving grace through it all is my daughter, family, and friends and having someone to vent to and listen. I've still got alot of unanswered questions, but I think I have to accept the fact that they will remain unanswered and let it go at that. It's over now, there's no use losing any more sleep over it, is there? Up until the last I tried, she said she didn't want this either, so I called her on it and told her to stop it, the papers weren't signed yet, her response was to laugh in my face. My attorney commended me on my efforts, but her final words to me were, "You've done everything possible, most people would have given up long ago, but you really don't want to be married to a person like that anyway, you deserve much better." With those words resounding in my head, I stuck my hands in my pockets, walked out the door and closed a chapter of my life.........Thanks for listening. <BR>Jax

God bless you. . .I hope that somehow, some way you find comfort and that it will be soon. Most of us know this pain, but relive it everytime one among us posts a message like this--those who are not there yet feel little hope, the ones that have been there already feel a twinge of hurt all over again.<P>We are all with you. . .please don't feel alone<P><BR>Mary

{{{Jaxx}}}<P>I'm so sorry that this didn't work out the way you had hoped. I understand how it feels to imagine that it's a dream & some day you'll wake up (or her).<P>I think that her placing the blame on you is her way of rationalizing this to herself. Don't let yourself believe it. Of course we all shoulder some responsibility, but we tried to repair the damage & worked to save our marriages. They gave up & took the easy way out. The loss is theirs.<P>Take care. I know you are hurting, but every new day is a step in the right direction. You'll be OK. I'm sure of it.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Jax,<P>So sorry for you...<P>Mine will come on March 19th...<BR>...and I too have tried my best.<P>You can make it...<BR>...as I will.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Jax,<P>Hang in there Buddy. Speaking from experience, you are still going to have your good days and your bad days. Don’t make the same mistake I did in thinking that once the D was final, things would get better all at once. Very true that you have just closed a chapter in your life, but it will take some time for your feelings and emotions to calm before you’ll be ready to start writing that next novel.<P>I think your attorney was right and I agree that <B> "You've done everything possible, most people would have given up long ago, but you really don't want to be married to a person like that anyway, you deserve much better."</B> Although accepting that you really don’t want to be married to her anymore is going to be a tough pill to swallow, I think it would be better interpreted as “you don’t want to be married to who she has become”. At least that’s how I am feeling in regard to my ex.<P>Just know in your head and your heart that you did EVERYTHING humanly possible to avoid this outcome. You were willing to make an effort and you were willing to work on your marriage. Unfortunately, it takes two signatures to get married and only one to get divorced. If both people aren’t willing to work on the marriage, the marriage won’t work. You did your best, Jax. This result is not what you wanted, but you did your best to avoid it. Keep your chin up my friend, you have nothing to be ashamed of.<BR>

You may have done everything humanly possible to avoid divorce, and it sounds like a chapter in your life is indeed ended. But divorce itself is neither an ending nor a beginning. The only significance of the divorce is that it is a readily identifiable milestone. It won't actually bring psychological, emotional, or spiritual closure to either of you. The only part of your relationship it really impacts is the legal and financial part.<P>Your wife has not separated herself from you. She is obviously trying hard, but the fact that she is accusing you of doing what she did to you is telling. She still <I>needs</I> to receive the projection of her own guilt. Her stoicism more likely indicates walled-off feelings than indifference, and the woman you fell in love with is probably still imprisoned somewhere inside the woman in the courtroom, held hostage by herself. That frightened and hurting prisoner may eventually die, but it doesn't sound like she's dead just yet. And no one but God can know how "false" your hopes may eventually turn out to have been. <P>But whatever the truth, there is nothing <I>you</I> can do to help her. You need to move forward with your own life, and you need to stop agonizing about what could have been. Just remember that closing the chapter isn't the same thing as closing the door.<BR>

Jax,<P>Sorry guy, just wanted to say that. At least you can't say "If only I'd tried harder" - you did everything you could.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

{{{{{{{{{{{Jax}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sorry to hear this...you know, all that you ever had the chance to control was your own actions. And, ya did good there...<P>Kathi

{{{{{{{{{{JAX}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P>Good luck! <P>

Jax,<P>Sorry for your pain, been there, done that myself. Don't try to analyze what has happened, it will prvent you from healing, been there, done that too.<P>Look to your future and prepare yourself for that.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Hi Jax,<P>I feel for you guy, especially the part about her sitting there stoically and not batting an eyelash. It is a mind bender when you must face how her attitude that was warm and loving has changed into callous indifference.<P>When she accused you of doing the things she was doing, that is right out of Games People Play. It is called accuse to excuse, I accuse you of something to excuse my own short comming. It is a cruel tatic, one can sense your pain. I'm sorry you have had to face this. <P>You are a good man Jax. For what it's worth, a divorce isn't the end of a marriage, it is only the funeral ceremony. At least you know that you have done your best. Now it is time to grieve the loss, make your adjustments and get on with the life God gave you. <P>Whatever the future holds, best of luck.<P>Bumper<P>

Jax,<P>I am so sorry for you - I could actually feel your pain coming through with your words. Know that everything happens for a reason, it is just that most of the time we don't see that reason for long after the event has taken place. Be strong.<P>You are in my thoughts!<P>God Bless,<BR>MIke<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

JaX,<P>Hang in there...<BR>Try not to let her turnabout get to you...Our's is not to reason why sometimes...Just rest assured that in your mind you did all you could do...<P>About those unanswered question...you will get to the place in your mind that, not only will you not get them answered, but you will no longer have the desire to have them answered...<P>Keep putting one foot in front of the next and be the best dad you can...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>Don't try to analyze what has happened, it will prvent you from healing, been there, done that too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WilliamJ:<BR><B>About those unanswered question...you will get to the place in your mind that, not only will you not get them answered, but you will no longer have the desire to have them answered...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Very interesting. Analyzing what happened and figuring out plausible (though not definitive) answers to my questions has been, I believe, a major component of my healing process. In many respects, it is what has allowed me to "go forward".<P>Is this a personality thing? Or what?<P>(FWIW, I'm INTP or INTX.)<BR>

Jax, Your sitiation and mine are exactly the same, right down to the last year and a half and the fact that we were best friends (even b/4 the marriage). I too am at fault (not!) and couldnt say or do nothing right. This unfortunately was my 2nd divorce, I am 43, had first in my twenties. After first D, thought I would never recover. Now at 2nd D, know better. It is still hard, but look at all the thoughtful people and good advice we both got on your posting! Good luck to us and after regaining or confidence and self-esteem, here's hoping we find a better friend and life partner! T.J.

Gnome,<P>In reading your reply, I started thinking about how I started moving forward. And now I think I agree with you. What really helped me was a minister that had also counseled my x when we first separated.<P>He explained how he saw her as looking for happiness by "going with her heart, she was going to do what ever made her feel good" that she had lived for years with her head and all she could remember was being unhappy, so she was trying something new. Thus continuation with the affair and the divorce.<P>I also read Private Lies and that shed some light on her and also had a discussion with someone who had similiar problems in their marriage and that also led me to some conclusions about our marriage, namely I questioned how much love my x ever had for me.<P>I guess it depends upon if you wallow in the info. I am trying to use it to move on too!<P>Bob

This week last year was the D-Day...actually the final conclusion...I suspected for a week..he denied for a week and then whamo.Monday is the real d-day...but the day that I first saw the cell phone bill was also the day I mailed off the final papers for filing for divorce. Also happens to be the day the H received the box of all his Christmas presents and his b-day card. He called that night. breaking up (crying) from time to time. I was strong and did not crack...I asked if he was alright...he said he was. He told me when he was coming home so we could put things in order. He doesn't know that I have already filed. <BR>It's a tough week. My dreams fell apart this week last year. I look back and realize where I have come in a year. I really thought that we would be together this year. But it isn't in the stars. <BR>We are all given free will...<P>take care of you and one thing I work on daily is despite the fact he lives 3000 miles away, the roller coaster of emotions lives on don't be too hard on yourself in expectations and how you feel. It was huge for me to file for divorce, something I do not want...so I have a little saying...yeah me...and it works.<BR>Try it!<BR>

To all, in the immortal words of Bartles and Jaymes, "Thank you for your support." I just wanted to tell you all how grateful I am to hear the words of encouragment that you've all given me. Even my daughter, sensing that all was not right with me, gave me a big hug and told me "it's alright Daddy, I'll never stop loving you." God that makes living all the more worth while. She has some really uncanny insight sometimes especially since she's only seven and not privy to whats being said or done between her mother and I. Once again, thanks to all of you.<BR>Jax

GDP,<P>I have analysed(sp) what went wrong, however my STBX never confirmed my thoughts or ideas, therefore, I struggled with not knowing and wondering for many months what she was thinking. Then I got to a point that I accepted she would never tell, then I got to the place where I no longer cared to have those questions answered...Make sense???<P>Bill

For me, it was enough that I could come up with <I>an</I> explanation (actually several variations). As in so many areas of life, I accept that I can never know the whole truth.<P>The important thing this explanation gave me was the awareness that my wife's problems were not <I>my</I> responsibility. I am only responsible for my <I>own</I> choices and actions.<P>I would still like to understand more, but I recognize that <I>it doesn't matter</I> whether I understand. It only matters that my wife understands. And she will have to reach that understanding herself.<BR>