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I 'll try to keep this short: my ex and I tried the friend thing but I am too upset to continue that. So we're keeping it to business. His car is in my name, the utilities are in his name, I am living in his mother's house (renting to own). AACK. Well, the car thing has to stay--his credit is really bad and he could never refinance which is what is required. It's in the MSA that timely payments should be made or else anyway. <P>I have been trying to contact him to transfer the phone to my name and to forward me last month's bills because they are all being forwarded to him in NC. He won't return my calls or letters. He is using his GF's cell phone because he doesn't have a phone. All he has to do is call the company to get them to change it. Takes 5 min. BUT I found out that he has a $706.13 phone bill from his other apartment. He moved out of state without paying it!! That is why he has not called me or the phone company because he knows he now has to face the music with them or explain it to me. I am going to get the phone in my name, but that will require changing #s and a deposit which I was trying to avoid. But I guess now I must. <P>My question: what is the best way to communicate with him or handle this? We had no attorneys or mediation. (Nothing there.) I need to find out about my bills that I haven't been getting and any other correspondence from them. I need him to contact the phone co. because I don't want my service disconnected because they are after him. I am so sick of my life being affected by his lame choices! I also had a hard time getting financing for my car because I had two in my name and he ruined my credit by not paying the bills some months. (We eventually got separate accounts). My interest rate for my car is less than stellar. That is how my life has been for 6 years. I can't move out of the house--I have three dogs and no where to go. the MIL and I are on great terms--the whole family and I are still close. I love the house and have redecorated and painted and stuff anyway--$$) Any advice?<P>

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It's a tough call. If you shake the tree too much, you might end up with the MIL angry and punting you out of your home. <P>You know who your creditors are. You have the internet. You can find your way to credit customer service numbers, and get them to tell you balances; where to make payments, and how to change the addresses. You do not need account numbers, etc. They should be able to find you based on your SSN. If you are unclear on just who you have credit with, you can always pull an Experian, Equifax, or Transunion credit report (or all three) for about $24 total (free if you've just been denied credit--might be worth it to throw some apps out there that you know will be denied). XH seems like he's going to be worthless on this score, so you take the bull by the horns.<P>As to other issues that have to be handled by him, I would broach with the MIL the subjects that are troubling you. She may either have insight into how to solve them, pressure that she can bring to bear on the XH for you, or be willing to bail her irresponsible son out yet again. Any of that would be helpful. <P>If you don't get anywhere there, it is time to go and get a lawyer.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 25, 2001).]

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I am under the impression here that most utility company’s will be more than willing to work with you if you explain to them what is going on. Most companies will be responsive to changing the accounts over to your name, albeit at the expense of deposits to each one. However, most companies will bill those deposits over several months if you so choose. Sisyphus is correct that with just your address and phone number, the customer service folks should be able to pull your accounts.<P>As far as contacting your ex, you can only do so much. You have tried to contact him and he has not returned you calls or your letters. At this point, I would just make sure that the utility companies have his address in NC if they request it and I would just be cautious about him staying current on the payments for his car. Even if you have it stipulated in your divorce papers that he is responsible for the car payments, your name is on it so the creditor will come after you for payment. More than likely, you would have to hire an attorney and sue him if he doesn’t make the payments. All of that is contingent on your papers of course. My ex’s car is in my name as well (until April) so I am a little nervous about that one myself, but she has never missed a payment on that one now for 3 years so I’m sure it will be ok. <P>You may just want to send him one last letter telling what you have done with the utilities so that he is aware. Once they are in your name, the past history of these should not be your concern.<P>I’m glad you are still able to maintain a relationship with your MIL. Just be careful that neither of you put her in the middle of everything. The house, the utilities, the creditors and your credit for that matter are all your responsibilities now. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. You don’t have to get nasty about it, just take care of it.<P>Maybe your ex’s young soul-mate will bail him out of his financial messes for once. It sounds like you have done your share as did I!!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited January 25, 2001).]

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Tell him if he doesn't clear up the bills, you will consider quit paying the car payments. Why are you worried about his credit rating? <P>If you are divorced already, why are your finances still intermingled?

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Something else came to mind...I know IT'S AMAZING! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>There is a credit card of mine which my ex maxed out about a year ago. Our agreement also makes her liable for this debt, but since the card is in my name, I refused to have the statement sent to her. The monthly statement still gets sent to me directly, I open it, make sure that payment was made the prior month and then mail it off to her. That way I am guaranteed to know if she is making the payments or not. CC companies are real good about adding late fees and penalties for a few months before ever sending out collection notices. I just wanted to be able to keep an eye on this as it is my credit that is at stake.<P>If you haven't done so already, I would make sure that loan company on his car continues to send all pertinent information to you and you can forward it to him when necessary. I would hate to see you get a letter from the loaner because your ex has failed to make the payments for a few months. What about the licensing on the car? If it's not in his name, any parking tickets or photo traffic violations will be assessed upon you. That's probably the last thing you need too.

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I am not paying the car payment. He is, but it is in both of our names. I had another car that was just in my name, and I didn't want to have him paying on something that would affect ONLY my credit rating. Frankly, I don't care about his.<P>Since the car is in my name too, I get statements each month. The problem is that he pays it about three weeks after the due date--not late enough to go current and show up on a credit report, but enough to almost give me an ulcer. I feel like my hands are tied. He has threatened me that if I try to take the car that he will have me kicked out of the house. I doubt his mother would allow herself to be put in the middle. She knows how hard it is to find good renters and she REALLY wants me to stay there (she told me)and assume the mortgage. We have an arrangement worked out so I can buy the place, but since my credit has some marks on it, it is not going to be right away. It sounds complicated and a bit strange, but the details have been worked out. And she knows that I will make necessary improvements to the place. She doesn't want to deal with that. The mortgage is really cheap too. I suppose I can get rid of one (or two) of my dogs, kick my roommate out of the house, move, go get the car from him, and live happily ever after in a one bedroom apartment for more rent than I'm paying at the house. Oh, yeah. Give up my dream of owning a home. All for freedom from my ex. Is peace of mind worth it??? I wonder. <P>

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GSD,<P>In hindsight, what would you have done differently?<P>My H has all the utilities, is constantly late (three weeks like your x) on the car that I financed for him, Refused, agreed, then didn't follow through on a joint checking account, etc. I don't even have my name on the house deed and am not the beneficiary on the mortgage insurance. I worry all the time about what would happen if he died - I also worry about what would happen if I finally had enough and left.<P>What would you advise?<P>H

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Harlequin99:<BR><B>In hindsight, what would you have done differently? What would you advise?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You don't need to be a "Surrendered Wife", leaving him to his scarily scant devices, it's OK to try to get him to work on some fairly painless things, one at a time. <P>You should be able to work together on finances if you can avoid lovebusters. You should both learn how to do that. <P>If you don't have Quicken, get it. Then work with him for a top ten list of financial goals. Not demands on your part. Goals. <P>Make the first one really easy, something like "make a simple will" (your name *should* be on things, and it may not matter that much in your state if the will *doesn't* exist [laws may do pretty much what the will would do, if everything you do is pretty standard], but it gets him thinking in the right direction, and helps establish a framework for what he would *like* to have happen in the unlikely event that something bad happens to him). Don't let him think that this is the end of it, but do let him know that this is part of what will be an ongoing process to bring order to your chaotic financial life.<P>At some point, he should start to realize that things like life insurance, etc. matter. You can't bang him over the head with it, and if you *ask* questions it's likely going to be in a tone that he finds ominous, if not accusing. This has to be done lightly, lightly, lightly (I know, that's tough to pull off with heavy subjects). <P>Good luck.

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Well, I saw these things before I married him so I should have known that certain things don't change about a person. I would have not put the car in my name, but that is hard to do when you are trying to be a supportive and loving spouse (and trusting). Other than that, I do not know that I would have done differently. We joined checking accounts before we were married (his idea). That was probably the biggest mistake. <P>As for you, get your name on the deed. That will help you heaven forbid something happen to him. ALthough I think in most states the house would become yours anyway. (I think.) Become the beneficiary. Figure out why he is reluctant to do this. What is his attitude toward you regarding these issues? Is he super sensitive when you bring it up? And why did you finance the car for him? Do you make more money than he does? One major problem my H had was the feeling like he wasn't being the man. Our roles were reversed. He resented me for that. It became a catch 22. I wanted him to take the lead and be responsible for things (and he did too) but he never followed through. THat is why I let him handle the checking account. He was insistant about it. I don't know what else I could have done. I wanted him to be in control of that area. Maybe try two separate checking accounts? That was his idea because he was tired of me asking for money and him saying no we didn't have it. It was all about guilt. I think he is still feeling that. I think that was why he left. He blames me for "expecting too much from him and trying to change him." His words.

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I believe and have been told that he thinks I would control the money, and he would have to "ask" (POJA) for things that he wants. (He probably knows when he makes some purchases that they are for his benefit only, and not the "family" benefit) So his desire to control money is partly selfish and untrusting.<P>He declared bankruptcy, so the mortgage is in probate, and he says this prevents him from putting my name on the deed. Same story for the mortgage insurance, I guess. But his nephew would inherit, and I can't see my H's sister giving up an opportunity to have money for herself or her son even if it was at my expense. (I envision a buy out situation, where she offers to let me buy my own house if her son inherited.)<P>He told me three months ago that he put in for EFT for his check on the checking account that I made joint - it still hasn't "taken effect".<P>I financed his car because with the bankruptcy he couldn't get a decent rate on a car and I was trying to be supportive.<P>I find it very difficult to be loving and supportive when so much time has passed without any of his promised changes taking place. I actually get revulsed anymore when I think about how much he wants from me and how little he gives of himself.<P>And no, he's not a meal ticket, we both work and make equivalent salaries. It's more that he doesn't trust enough to let go of some of his control. And I'm tired of paying for everything because we both make the same, pay the same in bills, but only I ever save for vacations, etc.<P>H<P>H

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Harlequin99:<BR><B>He told me three months ago that he put in for EFT for his check on the checking account that I made joint - it still hasn't "taken effect".</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is potential *dynamite*. If you let it fester, it's going to further erode your estimation of him. If you come at him in any direct way, it's a major lovebuster. What to do? Leave him a Machiavellian rathole to crawl into. Say "I don't think those folks at your job did their paperwork right, because the checks just keep coming. Why don't you put it through again and let me know how many pay cycles it takes so that I'll know when to expect it to happen for the first time?"<P>

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He's right. This will escalate further. Many of the same issues I have experienced myself. It's hard dealing with someone who will not complete things that he says he will. Especially with regards to finances. Contact a bankruptcy lawyer about the probate thing. Double check for yourself. CYA. I wish I would have.

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LOL LOL <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I don't think those folks at your job did their paperwork right<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Did I mention that he was the accountant (and payroll) at his job?!!!<P>I tried to call lawyer, not in - but will keep trying.<P>Thanks!<P>H

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Just my $.02, but at my company, any payroll deduction change or request for EFT usually takes one full payroll cycle. We get paid bi-weekly so the longest I would have to wait 4 weeks for the change to take effect. And this is with a large corporation which usually takes more time than some companies I would think.<P>Sounds like his company needs someone new in payroll!

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Harlequin99:<BR><B>Did I mention that he was the accountant (and payroll) at his job?!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, the principle of allowing a dignity-sparing maneuver remains the same ... blame the bank!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 26, 2001).]

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gsd,<BR>In my opinion, I would say yes, it would be worth the freedom. You have opted to stay tied to him and will for how long? What 3 yrs for car payment? Do you have confidence he will be able to pay it off? If not then that will open a whole new set of problems. <P>What happens when he gets involved with someone else? How do you think that person will feel about him being tied up financially with his former wife.<P>Again I am not in your shoes, but I would vote for financial and emotional independence.<P>Good luck,<P>Bob

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If I have to vote, I vote stay the course, with vigilance but not with nail-biting. Owning your own home is worth some <I>angst</I>, and so far there's no disaster. You do need to let go a bit. Set a date in your mind before which you refuse to think about the payment situation. AT that date you can start worrying. <P>Your enemy is worry, not your XH. If you learn how to live without worry, you'll be better off regardless of what happens.

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gsd,<BR>Is your ex just lazy about making the payments on time, or is there a conflicting issue regarding when he gets paid in relation to the due date of the bill? I had a problem with the due date of the credit card bill which my ex is responsible for. That one was due just a day or so after she would get her paycheck and she was always running to beat the clock. I simply called the credit card company and had the due date pushed back about 10 days. It has worked out very nicely since then.<P>Of course if your ex is just irresponsible when it comes to bills, then changing the payment date for him will not help.<P>In regard to buying your house, do you have any type of written contract with your MIL about this? If you do, then it becomes a court issue if she sides with your ex for some reason and tries to get you evicted. If you don't you could always tell her that you are just trying to do what's best to protect each other's investment right now so that nobody gets hurt later. It would be a smart move for her to have this agreement in writing too I would think.<P>I was still paying for my ex's health insurance and cell phone until the divorce became final. Once that was settled, those expenses became hers. She was also forced to get her own car insurance which was a <B>BIG</B> eye opener to her. She was used to paying a lower rate because of the area we lived in and because of the family/multiple car discount. Well she moved into a crime riddled neighborhood where insurance rates are at their highest and now is paying more than double for the same coverage. I know she was already strapped financially and I hate that this will make things harder on her, but this was her choice. She wanted to live in the real world and now she is.<P>It sounds to me like your ex has never really been forced to take care of himself. Is this correct? IMHO, you need to CYA in regard to your house, then you need to do everything in your power to cut any and all financial ties/burdens to him.<P>I'm not sure, but skipping out on an unpaid $700 phone bill and leaving the state sounds like a felony theft charge to me? Maybe that's just too harsh....

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I see your points--both sides. That is why I am torn. On one hand I want to start over. Completely. When he left, he took nothing but the clothes on his back and his 1200 books. He wanted nothing. I am somewhat envious of him in this regard. I have to see the same people, use the same dishes, sleep in the same bed, raise the same dogs, live in that house. He thought he was doing me a favor, but in some ways it's torture. It would be nice to reinvent my life, but that's not the kind of person that I am. I think I will be better off emersed in the decisions that I made for my life and reinventing my attitude about them. At least I hope so. <P>Jay-<BR>As far as the payments go for the car, he is a waiter so his money is never steady, but he gets "paid" every day. Changing the payment date would never help. We deferred some payments on the other car to the end of the loan a few years ago in order to catch up. It only took one month to get behind again. He is just irresponsible with money. He doesn't understand how it works. (RWD: he is involved with someone else, but she is a 19 year old college freshman. Mommy and Daddy are probably paying for her private school education and bills.) <P>He lived at home with his parents until we married (in fact, his parents moved out of the house and we moved in before we married. So he never even lived anywhere but there until a while ago when we had our own apartment.)<P> As for the current house ( a different one), the MIL and I have talked about drawing up legal papers regarding the arrangement. I thought maybe I could be added to the loan for the time being or be the beneficiary of the house with a stipulation that I would pay the family the equity she put in it if she were to die. That is, until I assume the mortage which may be a while.


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