Hi,<BR>The last few weeks I feel like I'm suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. It seems like everything makes me cry these days and I can't get my X out of my mind. I suppose it has alot to do with the fact he is getting married next week after us being only divorced now for less than 2 months. Heck we have only been seperated since August. I joke that I've got mayonase in my fridge that I've had longer than he has known OW/fiance. Last night I was watching a rerun of the Roseanne show. In it her H Dan told her he found someone else. I couldn't believe it here on tv were the exact same words my H said to me. Almost in correct order to. It just sent me reeling it was like hearing them for the first time. I had to just go into the bedroom and cry for about a hour, my poor kids I think they felt really bad. Then I dreamt about him again last night and found myself crying hard when I woke up. I thought I was past this. I worked so hard on trying to deal with my feelings but I guess I have more work to do. I know there are no set time limits for grief and I know it can come and go for years I just am not handeling it well right now. Everyone I know thinks I'm so strong and doing so well. I guess if they only knew. <P>Jill <P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Consider this: it has been only five months since you have been without him. That is a fraction of the time you spent with him, so you can expect the healing process to take much longer. Also, it is only a fraction of the time that you have ahead of you in your life--and I don't know how old you are. Listen to everyone here who has recovered gloriously from divorce. Unfortunately we can't avoid all the triggers. My main triggers are smells: certain foods and household cleaners, believe it or not. I stopped using a certain body wash too because it was his favorite.

(((((jillybean36)))))<P>It's OK to have a pity party now and then. The only way out of this is *through* it. <P>Good things will return to your life, in time healing will also come. <P>Have you seen any professionals about what's troubling you? If you haven't, I think it may be time now.

Jill,<P>I think you are expecting too much of yourself far too quickly. People do not "recover gloriously" from divorce. <P>It is a rare night that I don't dream about my H, and he has been gone almost two years. I doubt that will ever change.

Jill,<P>Give yourself time, as the others said, it all is still fresh. I still can't watch TV because of the family depictions(happily married, single, divorced getting back togther) and my x has been gone for over a year and a half.<P>Talk to a professional too.<P>Bob

jillybean36,<P>One thing that helps is to "reach out" for help. That is something I had such a hard time doing. I used to try to be so strong in front of friends and then I would collapse when I was alone. It felt like when I talked to them about things, I was somehow being selfish like "oh listen to my problems, yours aren't as bad as mine, waaaaaa".<P>Then I heard the song "The Chain of Love" - It is about strangers doing nice things for others for no reason, and how your charity often has a way of returning to you when you need it the most. The conclusion I came to was that a large part of my life up until this point was spent helping/listening to other peoples sadnesses and problems. I always tried my best to help them out. Now I guess it is my turn to let them return the favor and be there for me.<P>Once I began talking and sharing with friends and family, I felt peace and calmness come over me - and I actually began to feel stronger. We have all heard the phrase "that is what family is for". Take advantage of it. Lean on friends - goto family. Talk, cry. Let it all out. You are not being selfish if you do, as long as you remember the pain you are going through now, if you ever come across someone in similar circumstances - then it will be your turn to reach out and lend a helping hand or shoulder to cry on.<P>And definitely share with us here too!<P>God Bless,<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thankyou so much for your responses. You are all so right. This is very fresh, and maybe I am expecting to much of myself. I guess repressing my sadness has become a way of life for me. I am a nurse in a nursing home. I have worked in nursing homes for 21 years and in that time I have lost many elderly people I have become very close to. After awhile you learn to hide your hurt really well. I am still strong, I know that. I know that my life isn't over heck I'm only 36. I just needed to tell somebody how bad I really feel. I can't tell my best friend she is on a high right now after having a new baby. My folks are really supportive but I don't want them to worry. The people I work with I love but I don't feel like giving the rumor mill any more ammo. So I guess you are it my dear friends. Thank God for you all! <BR>I did see a therapist for awhile but I think I was still in denile and she thought I was doing just fine. I guess it's time to give her a call again.<BR>I can see why alot of people go out right away to find someone new to help take the hurt away. I don't plan on doing that that isn't me but I can see why it happens.<P>Again thankyou all for all of your support!<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jillybean36:<BR><B>My folks are really supportive but I don't want them to worry.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Have you considered the possibility that they might worry <I>more</I> if you clam up? It's healthy to feel your distress, and your folks may <I>want</I> to help. My parents often express their appreciation for my willingness to share my situation and feelings with them.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I did see a therapist for awhile but I think I was still in denile and she thought I was doing just fine.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't forget that there are a lot of ways to do "just fine". Dissolving into tears now and then is one of them, and your therapist is likely to be very aware that these kinds of trauma take a long time to adjust to, and both acceptance and healing often take a circuitous path.<P>Be good to yourself, cut yourself some slack, and just ride the roller coaster.<P>My wife left me at the beginning of last July, and although I am by nature very emotionally reserved, I nevertheless expect the sudden memories and tears to keep coming for a long time to come. I have found that after twelve years of marriage there are a <I>lot</I> of potential triggers waiting to catch me off guard.<BR>

It is all part of the grief process and it is ok to feel like this.<P>It is all very new to you as is me and the wounds they have left behind are still raw.<P>Boy I know what it is like to feel down<BR>You have friends here. <P>I will write more soon<P>A big hug from New Zealand<P>((((((((((jillybean))))))))))))))))

Hey girl - I know how you feel. I am now divorced but it has only been about 10 months since D-day. My exH is marrying his OW this weekend.<P>There are days when I feel on top of the world and I am honestly glad he is gone and out of my life. But then I also still have lots of times when I get so profoundly sad - I so wanted to have a good marriage and feel so bad for my 11 yo D.<P>In an odd way, I feel fortunate that my exH has been behaving so badly lately (he is madder than a hornet at the financial reality of what this divorce is going to cost him - he really dislikes my attorney) because it brings me back to reality and I am able to see him for the person he truly is - very selfish, self-absorbed and arrogant. Since he does not believe in counseling or therapy I don't realistically see him changing.<P>I know that some aspects of our personalities are hard to change but maybe the secret is to be cognizant of what these quirks or faults are and not let them interfere with our new life and possibly future relationships.<P>My cousin's minister told me that it is critical that I grieve and mourn the loss of this marriage, relationship. That in his mind you can not move on until the grieving process is over. So cry away if you need to - you won't cry forever. I know that I haven't and I honestly did not think I was going to make it about 5 months ago.<P>I will be thinking of you<BR>Pat

Jill,<P>I remember when waking up triggered me into despair...Hope was the only thing that got me through the rough times...That hope was, knowing that I will survive...The other side is waiting for you to get there, just keep walking through the feelings...<P>In case no one told you they loved you today...I do.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Jill,<P>the same thing happened to me recently, and I have been trying to avoid feeling sad and overwhelmed. Well it caught up with me, and I too am having the same reactions. It is normal, and necessary (and sucks)<P>I hide it behind frustration, some could call it anger. so you are normal, and so is everyone else here who is feeling the same way.<P>tom

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WilliamJ:<BR><B>I remember when waking up triggered me into despair...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Heh. For a while there for me, the <I>good</I> nights were the ones with the nightmares. I hated waking from a good dream into my real-life nightmare. Moving from nightmare to nightmare wasn't nearly such a shock, and when the dream was actually worse than real life I was even able to feel <I>relieved</I> for a change.<BR>

{{{jillybean}}}<P>I think we are all going through the rollercoastering emotions. Everytime I think I am finaly getting things under control, it smacks me again upside the head. I've done better lately, but I will never ever understand why a person would not attempt to try and would rather just start over from scratch.<P>I think that is probably the biggest form of denial that anyone could have. That they will just up and start anew and not make the mistakes they made the first time when they refuse to change.<P>You are strong, you are dealing with your emotions and being introspective in what happened. That is what teaches, how we grow and change. Your X is doing what my STBX is... ignoring everything and erasing the slate and starting over. In the long run, there will probably be more pain for them.<P>One day at a time is how we all make it through this.<P>Lori

{{{{{{{JILL}}}}}}}}}<P>You're not alone that's for sure! We all have those moments. I personally have to stay away from the LIFETIME channel because every show on there is about affairs. <P>I still get triggers that lead to flashbacks just over a year later. My ex is marrying his OW in March as far as I know. I don't know for sure what that is going to feel like yet.<P>I don't miss mine in the same way anymore. I still feel confused some days at how I ended up here, but I have been trying to put my life back together and attempt to be happy again.<P>I'm probably late on my reply, but I hope by the time you get this you're feeling a lot better.<P>One thing I can say is that most times, the triggers, down times, and flashbacks, are fewer and farther apart as time goes on, and they aren't as intense either, except for maybe holiday time. It WILL get better. <P>Hang in there and turn to your friends when you need some strength and encouragement,<BR>Hugs,<BR>Dana<BR>

Hi All,<P>Thanks so much for all of your support. I really needed it this week. I'm feeling alot better today. For one thing (all of you women can relate to PMS) it was my bad week of the month. That made it all the worse. <BR>I took your advice and I talked and cried with a couple of friends this week and I do feel better. I just need to learn that I can't always be the supporter I need to be supported sometimes to. <P>Again thanks for all of your help!<BR>LUV,<BR>JIll<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow