We had our third session last night and an interesting problem come up. She asked us to list the things that we needed from each other. As we went through his list I could see his point and understood where he was coming from. When it came my turn he felt that everything I needed was unrealistic and just an effort to change him into something he is not. He was not willing to accept any of them. I'm willing to talk about them and compromise but he wasn't willing to do that. Who's choice is it to say what and what is not needed by another person? I don't think my requests were that outrageous. Who knows though, maybe I just don't know how a marriage should be.<p>Steph

Steph,<p>Maybe your husband doesn't have a clue as to HOW to make those changes, so he reacts in that way.<p>My wife and I were having some problems in our marriage for years before she had her affair. I'm a Ph.D. scientist, so I tended to enjoy lecturing (and 'improving') my wife (big LOVEBUSTERS). She would complain about my being 'critical' all the time. My answer was "That's who I am, I'll try, but I'm not sure I can change". <p>And of course, I never changed.<p>Then she had her affair. <p>When I discovered it, I also found Marriage Builders. And I realized what I had done. And I had the tools now to affect a change (through counseling with Steve). And what I previously thought was 'impossible' I had made good progress towards in the space of a few weeks.<p>And now I've got it down pretty damn well. And I save all my "disrespectful" lectures for all of you here... :-)<p>My guess is that your husband is being defensive because he doesn't know HOW to change, and he can't see how it will benefit him. Your counselor may be able to help him over those humps. I'd advise you to NOT react to his reluctance, but work with the things on his list in good faith. That will provide a good influence.

Steph,<p>What did the counsellor say about your requests? Shouldn't he/she be able to help determine if your requests are reasonable?<p>Funny you should mention your H saying "you're tring to change him". Every time I propose my wife read a book, listen to a tape, or if I buy her sexy lingerie, she says "stop trying to change me". From my point of view, SHE's the one who changed, if anything I'm only trying to change her "back".<p>I guess a better point is that you seem to be "working" on the marriage, and willing to change, where he seems to like things "as they are" and doesn't want to change.<p>I suppose the "POJA" and "HNHN" were totally lost on him?<p>Val

Steph, that's interesting, my husband used to tell me the same thing. Val had a good point, what did the counselor have to say about it?<br>

Val,<p>The counselor agrees with me but I have been going to her since June and my H just started coming in September. He feels that she was already leaning in my favor. I told him that we could go to someone else but he said it's her or nobody. So how does one win in that situation. I think I just have to wait for him to realize on his own. I just hope I can last that long. <p>Steph<p>P.S. As for anything here on this site. I gave him all the papers and he thinks that it is just stupid.