I don't post on here often. Am trying hard to get on with my life and have a heavy demand on me from work.<P>Anyway, I would appreciate some thoughts on this. My husband would never tell me much about the woman with whom he became involved at work. I was able to get various pieces of information here and there after giving her license number to a PI after I saw her car at his place.<P>Someone from her hometown gave me the name of her father. One day I decided to use the archives of our area newspaper which is online. I was able to find the obituaries of both of her parents, names of aunts and uncles, and her sister who lives close.<P>I did find something else. She used to drive a school bus for a neighboring school district. On a Friday afternoon about 7 years ago, she was taking children home from school and was letting some children off the bus. Some of the children began arguing and she was distracted. She did not pay attention and ran over a first grade boy and killed him. This article appeared about 4 months after the accident saying she wasn't charged with anything.<P>The original article was not available online so I went to the public library and was able to obtain it from the microfiche machine.<P>I began to try and make some sense of what happened to her. My ex had told me that her husband didn't pay enough attention to her.<P>But I figure that this accident contributed much to the demise of her marriage. I'm not sure that she is divorced although my ex says she now is. I have a feeling that her ex is about as cold as mine and probably told her, "If you didn't have your head up your rear, this wouldn't have happened." I'm assuming that she probably was fired and was sued.<P>Anyway, she went eventually went to work where my ex did. He was probably kind to her and she was feeling rather low. I have read where many affairs begin after a crisis. I had been through all kinds of problems with an elderly mother.<P>But I am bewildered that he would become entangled with a women with this kind of problem. He called yesterday to tell me he would be coming for an entertainment center and a waterbed that was negotiated in our divorce agreement. I let him know what I knew. He said you must have really worked hard to find this out.<P>I told him that he would have never let me live this down. How could be involved with someone with this type of problem? He had to mention that I had several little fender benders and that was an accident. I answered that I had been lucky not to have killed anyone, but he wouldn't have been so kind to me. I couldn't even put a pot on the shelf right to his satisfaction. Wasn't it true that he had berated me for this kind of problem? He answered, "Yes, I did and I'm sorry for all the unkind things I said to you." Like he used to call me dumb and stupid and tell me I didn't have any common sense.<P>I asked him if he was going to get married. He said he really didn't know. It was possible. Was I getting married? I slyly answered, "Well I'm just thinking about it." Yeah, right at this time.<P>I really feel that his problem was that he felt insecure because I had more education than he did (I have a graduate degree and am a teacher) and he felt that maybe he had an edge in the relationship with this woman.<P>I would appreciate any insight as to what you think might be going on in his head. I do feel very sorry for this woman in that she had this tragic accident happen to her. She has contributed to the sorrow of two families.<P>Thank you for letting me vent.<BR>

If you're Plan A'ing, this detective work is not part of a good Plan A. <P>You're checking up on him, demonstrating your superior capacity to research, reading his mind as to what he would have done if he were in the other's spouse's situation, etc.<P>All of it hurts him. <P>If you had to know about this women to satisfy your own curiousity, that's fine. If you wanted to use what you knew without him knowing you knew it, that's fine too (all's fair in love and war). But bringing it out in the open didn't do anybody any good. Just gave him more to chew on with respect to your flaws.<P>There may be a silver lining in the cloud, however. He may confront her with the information, and things may not go well. Your task is to tell him you are sorry, that you shouldn't have told him that; and that since things are over between you, you understand that it would have been better if you had stayed out of his business. Tell him you'll stay out of his business in the future. Mean it.<P>Good luck.

Martha642,<P>I agree with Sisyphus here - what is your motivation? Remember that trying to put someone else down to win your spouse's love back, never works - it only makes you look bad.<P>Also are you really serious about him never letting you live this down if you killed a little boy - by accident? If so, then maybe divorcing him is good thing. Car accidents are one thing - fender benders, scratches, bumps, scrapes - yes some spouses get aggrevated when it happens to their significant other. But I think that is mostly their concern and worry about the one in the accident, coming out the wrong way. I have seen my father get upset at my mom when she dented the car. But when she was in a serious accident, I never saw him get aggrevated.<P>And I don't think her killing a young boy is a problem. It was an accident. I think you are trying to compare apples and oranges. A minor accident is in no comparison to a death by accident. And I think the latter should never be used to label a person in anyway.<P>Martha642, I feel for you. You can still hear the pain and upset in your words. Don't look for reasons. Try not to focus on "his" life anymore - look to getting yourself back on your feet. If you still have hope for your X to return, then concentrate on bettering yourself and let him live his life (and maybe make his mistakes).<P>God Bless and keep.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Last two posts took the words out of my mouth. Good responses, good advice.

Martha,<P>Was your ex's OW from Washington State by any chance? If so, I was teaching at that particular school when that particular accident occurred. How's that for a weird coincidence?<P>Lisa

I feel for you Martha. You are still trying to figure out how the affair happened, what the attraction was etc. And the unfortunate thing is there is no logic to it. YOur x probably felt sorry for her and it gave him a feeling of superiority.<P>If getting the info and confronting him with it gave you some kind of closure than it's a good thing. It's easy for those who have never been betrayed to put you down for what you did. I don't see it as an attempt to win back your X you are just trying to make sense of the whole ugly situation.

I think Plan A or not is beside the point here. <BR>1)There is a strong correlation between major life crises and affairs.<BR>2)People who feel inferior often are extremely critical of minor deficiences in their spouse. Then, if they have an affair, they often seek someone to whom they can feel superior. <P>

Martha642,<P>There's not a whole lot I could add to what has already been said. From reading the posts, and my own experience, it is fairly common for the betrayed spouse to blame the other man or other woman, and to experience anger and outright hatred toward the "other person".<P>But it doesn't resolve much. The other person isn't the one who made the vows before God to cling to you and forsake all others. Your (ex)spouse made and broke those vows, not the other person. Sure would have been nice if the other person had respected those vows though.<P>The shock and pain of what has happened has left you in a terrible spot, trying to act reasonably in totally unreasonable circumstances. And you seem to be trying to figure out the truth of what happened in a milieu of deception and deciept. With the use of the PI and your research skills, you will be able to find out some true things, but you will never know "the whole truth"<P>You asked for insights as to what is going on inside his head. Even if you could figure that out, it is hard to see how that will help you. What you need most is insights into what is going on inside your head. If there ever was a time when Polonius advice to Laertes applied, it is now: "And this above all, to thine own self be true, and it must then follow as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."<P>Maybe it is time for Martha to start giving some tender loving care to Martha.<P>Bumper

Sometimes these woman play on the tragedy to hook the men.<P>The OW my h left for was supposedly raped and beaten by One of her husbands. They are tragedy queens, and our husbands fall for it because they feel needed in that relationship<P>I was becomming very sucessful in my careerer better than my H ever did. Was that a jealousy thing too. Who knows.<P>Dont feel sorry for the other woman, just look after yourself and protect how you feel.

Thanks to TMD and Nellie. I think you have the true picture of what I am experiencing.<P>I did not get on here to seek sympathy. However, I have said that knowing what I know does give me some closure about what happened. TMD, that's exactly why I wanted to know some things. I am more at peace knowing that he was having some inner turmoil. I might could understand some of the feelings as she was seeking comfort.<P>I already did Plan A or Plan B two to three years ago so I have no intention of getting him back or do I even desire him. I certainly didn't expect to win him back.<P>As Nellie pointed out affairs often happen during a family crisis. Even as I have a family crisis, I could be very vulnerable to become involved if I met the right person who would show me some sympathy right now. That's my whole point. And I mentioned that I had a crisis myself with some job presaures at the time and having my mom placed in a nursing home.<P>I do think knowing is my business as my life was disrupted by this event. I had to become accustomed to one income instead of two. I have to pay more taxes as I am now single. I had hoped to retire four years ago but now I have to work maybe five more years just before I go on to Medicare. I certainly couldn't afford health and dental insurance now.<P>No, this particular accident didn't happen in Washington State. I'm in the South.<P>And on a positive note, I am doing something for Martha. I'm going on a trip to Austria in March. I am looking ahead. I think when I no longer have to talk to him or interact with him in any way, I will feel that I can move ahead.<P>Thanks to all who responded. I'm not trying to attack anyone who misunderstood my purposes. However, I am very pleased to see that a couple of people seemed to understand what I'm feeling at the moment.<P>Thanks<P>Martha