Well, I am feeling bad today. I was to see my Doctor yesterday and she told me that she thought my wife and I basically didn't have the guts to end our relationship - and I think she is right. We have been together for 15 yearS (married for 14), have three wonderful children (13, 11 and 7) have a good business - but my wife has left me 3 times over the last 4 years, the lastest move came just a couple of weeks ago. My wife had an affair almost 4 years ago. Our marriage was never wonderful, but since that affair it has been very tough. I have tried every last thing under the sun to get our relationship to be the way it could be. We both have seen a counsellor that has helped some, at least about the way we feel about ourselves. I met my wife when I was 26 - she was just separated for about 6 months from her first husband who was physically and emotionally abusive to her. She had gotten married to him when she was 17, basically just to get away from her parents - she had also an abusive childhood. Anyways, we fell in love right away and within 2 months we were living together and stayed together and got married as soon as her divorce was final. It is clear to me now that I felt sorry for her and figured that once she saw how I was (gentle and loving) that she would feel better about life. She was so impressed with my - used to call me "MR. PERFECT". I had not had a lot of experience with women in a serious relationship and this all felt so good. After we were living together, many times she would be down - I hoped that when positive things would happen in her life that she would feel better - but it didn't change. I almost always felt second place in her life, either to her family, her job or something. She would hurt me by saying things over and over - I used to be very soft and sensitive, I had to toughen up a bit over the years, just to survive. Her daughter (only child) from her first marriage died in 1989 after a heart transplant and that did not make things any better. We struggled along for many years - she began taking Prozac maybe 5 years ago - and that helped a lot, for a maybe a year or so, then it didn't help so much. Then the affair happened - she moved out for 4 months. The she came back for about 18 months - but things were not that good. I didn't trust her, and she continued to lie to me, sometimes about her communication with the OM. The in June 1999, her mother had a major stroke - did not die, but is still in nursing home - in bed all the time and paralysed. In Jan 2000 - my wife left again - she had a final confrontation with former lover (said there had been nothing going on). She had met a nurse(male) at the nursing home where her mother stays in Dec 1999. Now she says there was nothing between them - I saw a picture that he was in the day she moved into her apartment - apparently he was just there to "help". She stayed away for 7 months - had a relationship with this nurse - then she was back again. On Dec 1st she told me she was moving out again - I am to believe that there is not other man, but yet I have found out that at least two different men, including this nurse have been communicating with her. She has been "gone" for 2 weeks now - but she says she wants me to be her best friend, have dinners together, do stuff with the kids like a family. Funny thing is - this up coming weekend is her first weekend off work since she has moved away - know what she is doing? - having a party at her new place for the people that she works with, and we are not invited! I do not get what is going on in her mind!<P>Anyways, her depression - I think she has been depressed most of her life, she doesn't try hard enough to get proper treatment for it. I found out the other day that she had not been taking her anti-depressant medication since September and she has not seen her counsellor since October. Around our home, I now cook most of the meals, clean up the kitchen. She does the laundry and will clean the house about once every two weeks - but the place is a mess all the time - she just leaves stuff every where.<P>My doctor says that I am to blame too, for letting all of this go on, and I know she is right. I don't want my marriage to end, but it seems like my wife is getting some of what she wants from me, but does only what she wants and I do admit when I think about it, I do feel really used by her. She will not end our relationship, ever, I don't believe. I am at the exactly same point in my life now, as I was one year ago - and that frustrates me. I think if I keep things open with her, that I will be in much the same spot in another year from now, 5 years from now.... Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I know this isn't right and it isn't fair. I just don't know if I am stong enough. I know after a little while, she will call and ask how I am, what I am doing - talk sweet to me, maybe ask me for dinner. I don't know if I can resist that - I thought I was past her last year - didn't really even like the sight of her. I even started to date a woman that I really liked and we enjoyed our time together. Then my wife started to talk nice to me and on and on - the emotions were so powerful, soon I ws staying on her place on the weekends and going for afternoon get togethers. How do I find the strenght to do what I know I need to do - and stay the course??<P>Right now I am angry at myself for being so stupid, for allowing myself to be used,a nd angry at her for doing what she is doing to me. She does not want me as her husband, but she does not want any one else to have me either. She wants me to sit at home (alone), look after the kids, work at our business, be there for her when she needs me, but at the same time live her life exactly the way she wants to be,a nd who she wants to be with, because as she says,"we are separated".<BR>What am I to do??<P>richard

Do you have the book, "Surviving An Affair?" If not, then I think that you should get yourself a copy and read it.<P>Your W has some serious personal issues that she needs to deal with, within herself. I don't think that she is capable of rational thinking until she gets help for her problems. Obviously, she has a lot of baggage that needs to be dealt with first.<P>Your W is using you, shows no guilt and is a "cake-person." She wants to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, with whomever she wants, without having to answer to anyone. Yet, she wants to make sure that you are held on a tight leash.<P>You are filling some of her emotional needs & these other "friends" of hers, are filling the rest of her other emotional needs. That's why she still needs you around. These other men are not completely satisfying her, and she keeps you around to fill the void.<P>If you are losing love for her, then I would suggest Plan B (it's in the SAA book).<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited January 26, 2001).]

This rings all too familiar. I have no advice as I am currently faced with similar circumstances. Just wanted you to know I read your post.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

LET HER GO!!!!!!!! Easy to say, harder to do!<BR>Be someone elses "Mr. Perfect" after you take some time to get your confidence and self-esteem back. This woman is an emotional VAMPIRE. Dont get sucked dry. It took a long time for me to get the courage to accept an end to my marriage. Life has been BETTER without her. Doesnt mean I dont need support (I am here arent I?). GOOD LUCK!!

Wow. Tough situation.<P>It doesn't sound to me as if your wife is capable of having an adult relationship. She is still living in a realm of childish irresponsibility, and until she figures out who she is, your wife will never be able to see who you are and deal with you as an independent entity with your own needs and wants.<P>I seriously doubt that any attempt to work on your relationship will succeed until she makes significant progress with her own personal issues. If she won't get help and she doesn't even have any desire to grow or heal, then there's probably very little you can do (except pray).<P>Anger at yourself, and at her, may be appropriate, but don't let it fester. Acknowledge it, but don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you were well-intentioned, and the mistakes you made were made out of ignorance, so this is your chance to put those mistakes behind you and start <I>learning</I>. End the chapter and turn the page. Look to your <I>own</I> needs while keeping alert to opportunities to encourage your wife toward a journey of personal growth. Figure out what you've been doing to "enable" her, and stop doing it. (She can't have "used" you without your cooperation.) It's "tough love" time.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by GnomeDePlume (edited January 26, 2001).]

just to let you know I read your post, and I'm thinking of you.<P>Jo

Thanks for everyone's support and advice - it means a lot to me just to know you are there and really do understand. I am sure that I will need a lot of support in the future and will look for your help often.<P>I do have the book "Surviving an Affair". I have tried many of Dr.Harley's suggestions with her to no avail. I do believe in his concepts, but with her it just does not seem to work.<P>I agree that she has a lot of "growing up" to do, to know who she is and what she wants. I am not sure that will ever happen, but that is her problem, because I cannot do this anymore - being there for her all the time while she figures out what it is she does or does not want from life.<P>My doctor has me on anti-depressants, basically because he feels that my wife depresses me. My father also just passed away a week before Christmas, and combined with my marriage problems, I am feeling pretty low these days. It is hard to smile, to laugh - except when it comes to my kids. They mean the world to me!<P>richard