I read the article by Willard F. Harley, Jr. on "How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages". It talks about how co-dependency has been wrongfully extended to many other marriages when it originally applied only to marriages where one or both spouses were alcholics or addicts. It mentions the idea that when an alcoholic is married to a loving spouse, it drains the caring spouse of everything they have, leaving him or her exhausted and failing to meet their sick spouse's needs. <p>Is the idea of co-dependency also applicable to spouses of a husband or wife suffering from a major mental illness? I am asking this because I am married to a man with bipolar illness and have been involved in a support group for co-dependents. This illness is very difficult to live with for both of us. At times I consider myself "controlling" and at other times "caretaking". This has caused conflict in our marriage. Some of what I have learned from material on co-dependency has helped me not to fall into extremes with these behaviors. Is this just coincidence or are some of the concepts found in the treatment of co-dependence applicable to mental illness?<p><p><p><p> <p>

webster --<p>I understand your frustration. I've been married to a woman for 21 years who was diagnosed last May as bipolar. Did you read the message thread below, subject: manic-depressive?<p>I've wondered the same thing as far as your question about co-dependency. After reading a little from several books on co-dependency, I decided not to get caught up in trying to understand it. Seems to me there are so many different opinions that you could spend forever trying to understand and analyze your own situation. And it the end, what have you really gained? <p>I believe virtually all of the major problems in my marriage could be resolved by me and my wife agreeing to the policy of joint agreement. But I also know that she would never be able to agree to that BECAUSE of her bipolar disorder. She knows she has this illness and is on medication, however she refuses to recognize and admit that it affects her everyday decision-making abilities. She insists on having things her way no matter what arguments I offer -- there's been very little compromise in our marriage. Plenty of give and take though, with HER doing most of the taking! She HAS to have her way because she KNOWS she's right. And when time proves her wrong (which it almost always does), she tries to minimize the bad decision and not take responsibility for the consequences. Jeeze, I could spend forever talking about this. But I won't, because you've probably experienced the same things in your marriage.<p>Is there a solution? Is there some way to create a happy, functional marriage? That's what I want to know. Only if the you can follow the policy of joint agreement, in my opinion. I think it's even more critical in a marriage where one of the partners has a mental illness such as this. Otherwise you end living in chaos, month after month, year after year.<p>Would you do me a favor and read the message I posted with the subject "Concern for children - choosing between wife and kids"? I'd like to hear your opinion, since you may have some idea of what I've had to go through. Thanks.<p>[This message has been edited by slowlerner (edited 01-15-99).]