Get this,<br>My wife has been telling me since thanksgiving that she need time to think about us. That with working, her job, finding a place to live, the kids she just doesn't have the time to think things through. So today I gathered up the children and brought them the 500 miles to my house. I arranged with my family to help me watch them while I work fri,sat,and sun night. My wife told me that she was either going to stay home or work tonight. She has to work tommorrow and sunday. I arrived home tonight at 7:30 got the kids settled at my parents house which took about an hour then I went to work. All of this plus the wether combined to make me three hours late for work but I thought it would be worth it if it finally gave my wife time to think. So when I got home I called her place to tell her we made it in ok (she asked me to call). No answer. I then tried her work because of what she told me. She was not working tonight. Oh well. i left a message that we were ok and left for work. I tried to call about 10 minutes ok hoping to talk to her about our respective days before she turned in for the night. her cousin answered. Said she was not home she was out with her friends at a bar.(where she works.) Great way to think about us isn't it. Now she will not have "time tio think " again for maybe two more months. Truly amazing isn't it. I am so tired of her putting me off. Asked her cousin to relay the message that if she wanted to call me when she got home it would be great. Now I am sitting here fuming. I don't want to talk to her. I really don't want anything to do with her. I am so tired of her using me for her own selfish enjoyments. I am not going to be her "baby-sitter" so she can go out and have fun while I sit and think about us and my family. I can only be a full-time father. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and take full responsibility of them but Why should I have to take care of them when I have to 1) work 45 hours in the next 3 days. 2) drive 500 miles each way with three children. 3) basically do all the work tring to save us when she has time to think she parties instead. 4) in the last 2months I could have gone out many times but I choose to stay at home and work on us and myself or I have driove the 500miles to be with my children and my wife. I do not believe she would make the drive for me. I am so tired of loving her more then she loves me. She thinks she is in the drivers seat but guess what this car is fast running out of gas and she will be walking very quickly. Will she care? will it even faze her. No! But the kids will care and hurt. Does she care about them NO! just her own selfish needs. I really hope she sees the train coming before it is too late but she won't I know it for sure. She is very happy with her life right now but will she be later. Will I be there? How much pain can I allow her to direct at me. When is enough enough. Soon very soon. Sorry venting felt good. Awaiting her call. Yeah right. She won't call tonight . I'll lay money on it. Any takers?

What's this about the 500 miles? Are you and your wife separated? I am a little confused about your situation.<p>I know you realize that your children are the most important thing now. Sounds like your wife is having trouble with that responsibility. <p>Do you know what prompted her to seek some time away from the relationship? This is what must be focused on if you can save the marriage. I think there is some conflict that needs resolution. Or it's possible that she cannot handle marriage/work/children. See if she can tell you what is bothering her. It worries me that she keeps putting you off. She needs to face the music and provide some guidance to you about what is bothering her and whether or not she is willing to work with you to resolve it.

rusty --<p>I know what you mean about feeling like a "babysitter", thereby enabling your wife to go out and have fun. I've struggled with that same internal conflict.<p>For several months, in fact, I did a lot less with the kids than I could have because of this very thing. I just didn't like the idea that my taking the kids for the day made it so much easier for her to go out and have her fun.<p>I finally realized that my attitude probably hurt the kids and my relationship with them more than anything else, and whether I took the kids or not had little impact on the relationship with my wife. If anything, taking the kids for a few hours might have actually been a positive thing, as far as my wife's feelings about me, even if she WAS just using me.<p>I'm now taking the kids swimming several evenings a week, and spending a lot of quality time with them. I'm trying to take my mind off the relationship with my wife, and focus rather on building my relationship with my children. If that benefits or hurts things with my wife, it really doesn't matter. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be with me now, so all I can do is work on the things that I have at least some control over. And my relationship with the kids is something I CAN work on right now.<p>I know the 500 miles makes things way harder for you. I think you had the right idea about finding a job closer to them. Even if you and your wife never get back together, at least you'll be close to your children. They need you and your influence. Seems like I remember you saying something like that to me when I was talking about moving away. I think you were right.<p>As far as your wife "working" or thinking about your marriage while you took the kids, I think that was what YOU wanted, not her. It was nice for you to do that, but until she feels at least a little desire to do that, you're probably not going to get the results you're looking for. Keep doing things like that -- I'd just suggest you try not to have such high expectations in the future. The old saying about leading a horse to water -- very true in our situations. Keep taking her there, but be willing to wait for her to drink when she finally gets thirsty. She may just want a little sip at first. If you try to push her in, you'll both just get wet and frustrated.<p>Easier said than done, I know. I've read most of your posts this past month, and think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. But like the rest of us, you want results now. Putting things off just causes everyone more pain and suffering. But until your wife comes around to your way of thinking, what can you do? Eliminate love busters, and try to meet the needs that your wife is willing to let you meet. That's about it. Right now she's in the driver's seat.

slow,<br>your right she is in the driver's seat. I guess what hurts me the most is that through this all the kids are suffering and she doesn't seem to care. She thinks that this is somehow better for them. That they do not need a daddy full-time. I know that kids do live without full-time fathers but they are not recieving a decent education in life. Let's look at things this why. I was raised in family with a mother and father and I was taught to work at things. that a marriage takes self-sacrifice, work, effort, and perservence. whereas my wife comes from a broken home her father left when she was 14-15yrs old. She was taught that when the going gets tough you walk. Simple as that. She runs and I try to work things out for us, for myself, for her, and for our children. She feels that if she can live without a father then so can her children how sad that the lessons we are taught in childhood comes back to haunt us. If I was taught to let go and she was taught to work things out how differenbt would our lives be? So I'm fighting not only the present but the past and also my own fears for the future will she do this again and again if we get back together. It makes me so angry. So very bitter. Only time will tell.

Okay, I MUST address this "I feel like the baby-sitter" thing. First of all, you are NOT the baby-sitter! A baby-sitter is someone you PAY to watch your kids for you, who then LEAVES and thinks NOTHING of it!! You are FATHERS!!! You SHOULD be spending time with your kids! What's wrong with her going out now and then to relax with some girlfriends? You'd expect her to do that for YOU!!! Now, I don't agree with her lying about her whereabouts and intentions. If she wanted to chill out with the girls for a night, that's fine...but she should tell you that. It sounds almost like you resent her for "dumping off the kids" on you...like that is a crime!!!!! I know my husband would nearly KILL to spend time with his little boy, whose Mother apparently doesn't see any benefit in this, and the reason we're shelling out hundreds in court fees to make her do this!!!!! We can count on one HAND the times we've seen his son in the past 6 months! And overnight? MY GOD!!! What is that? OVER A YEAR!!! She thinks he doesn't need to spend too much time with Dad. Sorry...little anger spilling out here....

Rusty,<br>There is a lot of good information here, and a lot of anger. Everyone is right. What Tommywife is missing, is that your term "babysitter" refers not to how you feel about your kids, but how you feel your wife views you. I know how you feel about your family, and that it is your dedication to them that keeps you going. <br>There is little difference between our wives. Except the fact that my wife does not want to leave, or me to leave. I sometimes think that the only reason for this is that, should we separate, she feels people (and the kids) might find out about her affair.<br>But, I get the same sayings. "I need to sort things out." "I need time."<br>This past weekend she said that she no longer wants to be a mother, wife, etc. No responsibility. She said that she may want to go away for a while to find herself.<br>I have done a lot of thinking (and talking) on this with my therapist. Imagine what it must be like not to know who you are, or what would make you happy. Imagine being so depressed and down that you are willing to give up everything about your life just to "try" to be happy somewhere else. It is hard to imagine. Obviously, those of us here are pretty happy with ourselves, our lives, etc. That your wife wanted to go out with some friends and forget her problems for a while is natural. My wife goes with her friends every chance she gets. If she is dropping the kids off somewhere, I now have to add an extra 30 minutes to her time because she will "drop by" a friend just to chat.<br>I think it was great of you to take the kids to allow her to "think". But, you can't expect her to just stay home and "think" the whole time. It's depressing and boring. Just being in a quite house without the usual kid noises must be lonely. Relax. Do what slowlerner said. Focus on your kids. They will still be yours in a month, year, etc. They will need you more than ever. When you are with them, don't think of it as doing this for your wife, or marriage. Do it for THEM. Do it for YOU. Let them come home to your wife gushing with stories of how Dad was so much fun. That may help more than you think. Keep your chin up.

Bill,<p>That is one of the best posts I have ever read on this board. I am in the same situ as you apparently , living with wife, wife had affair, she talks divorce often, then we try again, as of now we are living under the same roof whilr she is telling me she is certain it will never go further than that (no intimacy etc.)<br>She lets me watch my children while she goes out, but not too frequenytly, i do not feel she abuses this, however there iss a double standard in that I do not participate in any outside activities at all. I have all but lost all close friendships (except ones in other cities from the past)<p>Anyway,the main reason for this drawn out post is to Thank Bill for that last one. Putting that perspective in front of me regarding the children was exactly what I needed today. God Bless.

Rusty,<p>I had the same dilemma after I separated from my wife. I wanted to be with my kids, but I was afraid of leaving my wife 'free' to see the OM. For good reason, I might add.<p>I came to the same conclusion that Bill states. The kids will always be mine, and the great time that we spent together during my short separation was really helpful to me, as well as to them. Cherish your kids. <p>Tommyswife:<p>I'll take you to task BIG TIME. That attitude you're showing makes me think you've never heard of the POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT. Remember, that in a marriage, you should come to a enthusiastic agreement on every aspect of your relationship with your spouse. If rusty has a problem with his wife going out, they need to learn to negotiate to a agreeable compromise. <p>The unilaterial senario you present for a night out with the girls is just bad policy for a marriage. You don't put your spouse in the path of thoughtless behavior, regardless of how 'right' it is.

Pragmatic,<br>Don't give up your personal life for your wife. Whether things work out or not, you still have to live. <br>When I first discovered my wife's affair, I also stopped everything. Golf, tennis, friends. You name it. I only wanted to stay around the house with her. But, I realized that I was making myself miserable. And, who in their right mind would want to live with a miserable man. Definately not my wife.<br>So, for me, as well as her, I started myself up. Tennis, golf are back. I go out with friends. Call them fairly often. <br>This has done several things. 1 - My wife no longer feels as guilty for ruining my life, since I have re-taken my life back. 2 - It has allowed me to realize that my happiness is not totally dependent on my wife. 3 - It feels good.<br>Try to get out and do things. Don't lose yourself in this whole mess.<br>Take care.