Hi guys,<P>well, I ended up ringing. He was in his car, and I didn't know I was on speaker phone!!<BR>She was also in the car.<P>Before I knew that she was in the car, I apologised, said that my actions were uncalled for and unwarranted and asked if he wanted to know what I said to the children.<BR>His response was "I'd be very interested to hear that" insert sarcastic tone......<P>I said that I told the children that I was very wrong. That you should never hit anyone. I also told the children that *J* was Daddy's friend, and deserved their respect. <P>He said thanks for the call.<P>Anyway, the conversation went on and I cottoned on to the fact that she was in the car. <P>She said "hello, Jo, we never told you because we didn't want to hurt you. This is all my fault, H wanted to tell you, but I didn't. We didn't know how serious this was going to be, and if it didn't last, what was the point in telling you and upsetting you."<P>I said, "well, H and I have some honesty issues that we need to work through....<P>and he butted in (screamed really) "honesty, what does honesty have to do with it<P>will cont. this in a couple of hours,

I cannot get over the nerve of some people...<P>Hang in there Jo!!<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bonnet:<BR><B>She said "hello, Jo, we never told you because we didn't want to hurt you. This is all my fault, H wanted to tell you, but I didn't. We didn't know how serious this was going to be, and if it didn't last, what was the point in telling you and upsetting you."<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jo,<P>I don't know for sure whether or not that is a line of bs, but it will do until I find something that is. Dr. Harley wrote a column where he pointed out that affairs place a tremendous strain on marriages whether the spouse knows or not.<P>The reason affaris are kept secret is that WS does not want to accept responsibility the affair, and does not want to face the normal, natural consequences of his/her actions. <P>The read on this is that not only is she carrying on with your husband, she has taken in upon herself to decide for you what you should or should not know about what is going on in your marriage.<P>Well Jo, if you are feeling some anger, it is pretty understandable, and it is pretty forgiveable. <P>Bumper <P>

Boy, does he have honesty issues! I can't think of anything more despicable than letting your OW sneakily listen to a discussion with your wife, <I>especially</I> a very sensitive discussion where your wife is apologizing for yelling at you, slapping your face, and calling OW names. <P>Now, I don't know how much control OW had over this situation. I think (leaving aside her impermissable role) that she handled it pretty well (whether or not what she said was the truth). <P>But STBXH was a complete and utter jerk. He could have picked up the handset. He could have said "I can't pick up the handset right now, I'm in traffic, and OW is here with me, so we should continue this conversation later". Regardless of whether he owes <I><B>bonnet</I></B> any other honesty (and where the children are involved, there are certainly many, many areas where he <I>must</I> be honest), he owes her that <I>elemental</I> honesty (and courtesy). <P>There may not be any way to stop him from pursuing his current life course. But he must be honest about it so that the mother of his children can make decisions about what the children are exposed to, and what she tells them about the exposure. <P>There is a strong motivation here for each parent to alienate the children from the other--any decision to do that must be made in the cold light of reality regarding courts' attitudes to it, and whether having the children see some grown-up situations before they're really ready isn't actually a lesser harm than convincing them that their own father is a complete and total schmuck.<P><B><I>bonnet</B></I>, if you go off, it's not without provocation. You would need to be very Zen-like to stay cool in the face of it. Guess what?--that's what's best for the kids and you have to find a way to do it.<P>That kind of anger will, of course, need to be diffused through some other outlet, be it therapy, writing, art, athletics or throwing a tantrum in solitude. It's going to be tough to become desensitized to him. I hope you can do it.