In response to being forced to stay in a marriage where you're miserable...I don't think people should stay miserable either. However, the vast majority of spouses in affairs didn't become miserable until the fog and addiction of an affair began. I know you are thinking, if I had such a good marriage then why was he looking somewhere else? There are many reasons. I know I didn't do everything right, but once he had the affair, I was NEVER given the chance to makes changes or work on our marriage. He never even looked back. And he was NOT miserable before the affair. I'm sure things could have been better, but we weren't miserable. He only became miserable when he was embroiled in an affair and was "forced" to be with me, his wife. It's funny to me how he never mentioned being unhappy prior to the affair, but after the affair started he was full of reasons. I think those reasons were simply justifications for his behavior and guilt. Mainly because many of the things he complained about were greatly exaggerated or taken out of context. Like I said, I wasn't the greatest wife in the world. I could have been more supportive at times. I should have considered his need to have sex more often than me. But I think having an affair as the solution is stupid. He should have laid everything on the table to ME, before it got to an affair. I can take responsibility for MY part in the demise of our marriage, but I WILL NOT take responsibility for his having an affair. He did that all on his own. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keridwen7:<BR>[B]However, the vast majority of spouses in affairs didn't become miserable until the fog and addiction of an affair began. /B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good point. You don't know what to compare your "misery" to until "true love" comes along, right?

All this becomes <I>very</I> interesting. <P>Over the past couple of weeks I have had my suspicions raised for the first time, then jacked up a couple of notches by the affair information I've been reading.<P>There was a relatively-new co-worker in my XW's office. He didn't seem to be her type at all (alum of bitter rival college, slightly rednecky, etc.). He <I>was</I> married (oops ... he was an anglo married to another hispanic), but the marriage was known to be pretty bad. <P>He was often there late and on weekends getting up to speed (and avoiding the wife). She was often there late because she was a <I>slow</I> writer (and avoiding me). <P>At first he was seen as a rival for plum jobs. But over time that changed. I'm starting to think there was at least an EA.<P>Interesting that XW and I made progress in Seattle (even though she was upfront that she held out no hope), but she lost interest in counseling shortly after we got back.<P>I have a bad habit of seizing on a few shots from a book depository and trying to implicate the CIA and the Mafia, but in this case I'm really starting to think there might be something, especially since the XW had all-but-admitted to an EA early in our marriage with a then-classmate of hers in grad school (if we had known what one was then, I'm sure she would have said it <I>was</I> an EA).

Good grief! I wish people could understand the damage that an EA does!!!! So many people think that infidelity begins and ends with the body. My ex still doesn't think what he did was an affair. There was an attraction, a chemistry, secrets, lies. Would any of you have done anything differently? I trusted my ex implicitly. He had female friends--none of which he spent time with alone to my knowledge. That was something he admitted was a bad idea. Until this one, I think. I sometimes think if I had called him on some things earlier, it wouldn't have happened. But then I would be a controlling nag. I wanted him to have space and not be smothered. Is there a happy medium?

Very good topic!<BR>Going back to famouse couples the one that really bothers me is Vince Gill and Amy Grant. Here are these "born again christians" who had been secretly having a affair for years. What makes me the maddest is when Vince's songs are played on the radio the announcer always has to make a dig about how his music is much happier now. Nothing would make me happier than to hear they file for divorce. <P>The show temptation island really bothers me to. I feel it is tv at its sickest. I mean they have these "of course hot babes and guys, can't have average looking people" be put into situations that most people would never be in. I watched it once and that was enough for me.<P><P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jillybean36:<BR><B>The show temptation island really bothers me to. I feel it is tv at its sickest.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I wouldn't call it TV's sickest. After all, there is <I>Celebrity Deathmatch</I>. These couple at least <I>think</I> they know what they're in for. They <I>volunteer</I>. Not that that makes it a whole lot better, but of course it's easy to find something better to do than watch it or patronize its advertisers.<P>I've certainly had enough breaking up in my life--why go looking for it on <I>Fantasy Island</I> meets <I>1984</I>?<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 30, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gsd:<BR><B>Would any of you have done anything differently? I trusted my ex implicitly. He had female friends--none of which he spent time with alone to my knowledge. That was something he admitted was a bad idea. Until this one, I think. I sometimes think if I had called him on some things earlier, it wouldn't have happened. But then I would be a controlling nag. I wanted him to have space and not be smothered. Is there a happy medium? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I think the best choice is to say "no opposite sex friends who have any potential whatsoever" at the outset. Make it a rule not to go near there, and chances are you will never <I>go there</I>. Some societies don't trust people to be able to do this, so they create elaborate rules and customs to prevent it. But it's better if the H & W work it out on their own ... the earlier the better. <P>Unfortunately, without a framework intended to avoid it, some spouses simply lack the discipline. As I said in my prior post, I'm starting to think mine was that way. It's a little too late for me to worry about it, though.