Thanks. I have been thinking about this out for a while. I think I can say that it is not just an emotional decision. Before she left, when we were a newlywed couple, happy as heck, we both wanted to live there. We loved the people. Loved the area. Loved everything about it. I still want that. I have always known that living there would mean finding another job/career. I was fine with that because my job right now is a high-stress job that is wearing me out. I wanted to spend a few more years here, but not at the expense of losing my wife. <P>I am trying not to get lost in the tunnel-vision thing. But, I know some of the things that I have seen in the month that she has been gone. They were small signs of encouragement for me. She even tells me that she still loves me and will always love me. But there is the ex-boyfriend/boyfriend. She wants to be with him, but he is a drug addict/alcoholic, whom we both heard stories about just a few months ago. My wife is dead set against drugs and alcohol. To me it seems like a matter of time before she sees past what she is seeing now and sees him for what he truly is.<P>What I am doing is a risk with very little risks. It sounds like I am giving up alot, sometimes it feels like I am giving up alot, but in reality, I am doing what I wanted to do in the first place. If it doesn't work out with my wife, my hope is that I will end up staying there and continue to live there. But who knows.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>You being around her family will likely isolate her further from them. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is this something wrong to do?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B> Is this something wrong to do?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hell no. It <I>shouldn't</I> be comfortable for her to be around the family with jerkboy. Let her feel the ostracism resulting from her wrongdoings!

Good luck in your future, wherever you choose. Still cant figure what the ex-bf attraction is, especially with the drug/drinking thing and her appearant dislike for that. Remember families will ALWAYS side with their own no matter what they tell you, so if you choose to contact, take anything they say with a grain of salt!<P>Hopefully she'll realize what she's giving up in you and I hope you dont give up too much for her (not the move, or job, but your heart and soul!) All the best! T.J.

As long as your in-laws are happy to have you around, by all means spend time with them. Remind them of your love for your wife, and of your commitment to her. Just don't bad-mouth her to them.<P>If your wife has a problem with this, don't worry about it. That will just be her conscience eating at her, and you don't want to interfere with <I>that</I>!<P>Just concentrate on doing what's right. Your wife is responsible for her own actions (and reactions). It's a very good sign that you are asking all these questions. It means you are teachable, which means you can change. And it's also a very good sign that you are making decisions with both your head and your heart.<P>You've got a very tough road ahead of you, but it is not one without hope!<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TOM JONES:<BR><B>Still cant figure what the ex-bf attraction is, especially with the drug/drinking thing and her appearant dislike for that. Remember families will ALWAYS side with their own no matter what they tell you, so if you choose to contact, take anything they say with a grain of salt!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is the most difficult thing to understand, not just for me, but for the rest of her family. But I am not sure how they will react. They don't know that I am coming yet, and won't know until they see me around town. <P>As for the boyfriend, she says that he treats her right. She can talk to him. I never treated her wrong, but the last 2-3 months that we were together, we were not the best couple. We had almost no communication between us, even though we lived in the same house. He is providing her with exactly what we didn't have those last few months. <P>I just wish that I would have woken up to all this before then and not after she left.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B>It's a very good sign that you are asking all these questions. It means you are teachable, which means you can change. And it's also a very good sign that you are making decisions with both your head and your heart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Teach me more..I am learning alot by doing this. From what I am hearing here, I am also gaining some peace of mind with all that I am going through right now. I never thought that would happen.

Sorry, I have to ask this. Where are you getting your information from regarding her relationship with the BF? Pls. excuse me if you mentioned it earlier as I missed a day.<P>The reason I ask is that it is hard for me to believe he is now giving her what she needs. Didn't they have a relationship b/4 you and her? It is weird that now he gives her what he didn't b/4, especially with the drug/drinking thing! Are you 100% sure she is not into the drug/drinking/club scene thing too! Just asking, dont be mad!<P>You seem like a nice, well rounded, and grounded man. Why would your W find a bum like that attractive, unless she has changed or I she is just looking for the anti-you for some reason. <P>I hope you know I am just asking because I care, not to pry! T.J.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>I just wish that I would have woken up to all this before then and not after she left.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't beat yourself up about this. Vague and intermittent problems are much harder to diagnose. I struggled with depression for five or six years, and it was only after my marriage reached crisis stage (and my wife moved out temporarily) that I was able to see things clearly enough to identify exactly what I was hiding from myself. Coincidence? I doubt it.<P>Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can find your way back up. You've just gotta hope and pray that the bottom is not <I>too</I> far down, and that it's bouncy.<P>The unsuitability of your wife's old boyfriend gives you an excellent reason to hope that your wife's fog cannot be sustained. And if you're lucky, the potential clarity that this whole painful experience can provide will eventually make for a much stronger relationship, and a greater appreciation of what you (hopefully will) have.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TOM JONES:<BR><B>Sorry, I have to ask this. Where are you getting your information from regarding her relationship with the BF? Pls. excuse me if you mentioned it earlier as I missed a day.<P>The reason I ask is that it is hard for me to believe he is now giving her what she needs. Didn't they have a relationship b/4 you and her? It is weird that now he gives her what he didn't b/4, especially with the drug/drinking thing! Are you 100% sure she is not into the drug/drinking/club scene thing too! Just asking, dont be mad!<P>You seem like a nice, well rounded, and grounded man. Why would your W find a bum like that attractive, unless she has changed or I she is just looking for the anti-you for some reason. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She told me all that. She says that he is providing what I am not. As for why she is with this guy, she says that she never gave it a fair chance before, they were always drunk. (She used to be a big drinker.) I don't think she would go back to that, but I don't know. It just seems like her and her family have grown out of that. They even have had conversations about it, and how it has negatively effected the family. Mother that was an alcoholic. Family that suffered because of it. Etc...<P>Another big thing I am just thinking of. She says that she feels like she broke up with him because of pressure from her family. She says that she married me out of pressure from her family. I don't think that is true, but I guess I don't honestly know. I know that it didn't feel like that the first 2 years. We were the happiest couple. Did everything together. No sure that things would have been fine that long if it was just pressure bringing us together.

She has rewritten your marital history. Don't let that bother you. It's <I>de rigeur</I> when you're sliding toward dumping your spouse.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> The unsuitability of your wife's old boyfriend gives you an excellent reason to hope that your wife's fog cannot be sustained. And if you're lucky, the potential clarity that this whole painful experience can provide will eventually make for a much stronger relationship, and a greater appreciation of what you (hopefully will) have.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is why I have to try this. That is why I am getting encouraged by her family to do something. There is alot of potential for a better relationship...if we can get past the OM.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>She has rewritten your marital history. Don't let that bother you. It's <I>de rigeur</I> when you're sliding toward dumping your spouse.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am learning this one. It is really hard to get her to see any of the happy stuff. We have had alot of it, but she chooses to not to see it.

The biggest problem for me right now is that I hear about how well they are doing. I hear from her sister that she never sees her because she is always with him. <P>The part that gets me is that she is a family person. She wanted to go home because she wanted to be with her family. Especially her nephews. Now that she is home, she doesn't see any one there except OM. Whenever she is with her nephews, she is almost mean to them.<P>It is just strange because it is like she is a different person. She gave up everything that she has wanted for the past three years.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>It is just strange because it is like she is a different person. She gave up everything that she has wanted for the past three years.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ugly thought: could she have gone back to drinking or even started <I>using</I> with jerkboy? Was sobriety too tough for her? Had she ever been in a program, or was it a solo attempt at kicking it?<P>

I guess I can't say that isn't what she is doing. She has never been in a program for it, but I don't think that she was anything more than a college drinker. I don't think she would go back to it. But I don't know for sure. If anything, she maybe trying to help him.<P>But speaking of her, I just heard from her on the phone a few minutes ago. She finally returned my phone call from a few days ago. She said that she isn't doing to great. Said that she has been at his place alot. Said that OM was having some problems right now. But she didn't say any more and I didn't ask. Just tried to be happy and cheery.<P>Bad thing is that she was still pretty defensive. I tried to strike up a conversation. Talked a little, but nothing too much.

Would it be wrong to write her letters, talking about the things that I am doing to change things?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Would it be wrong to write her letters, talking about the things that I am doing to change things?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It depends on how receptive she is to that medium, and how well you express yourself. If there's a problem there, maybe audiotape or videotape, or Hallmark cards with something already written in there to get you started, or something else I haven't thought of. Resourcefulness is one of the things women look for in a man. <P>When you move back (not if), you might even get to meet in person. Hopefully in front of a therapist. The money will be well-spent if it keeps you from screwing up your communications when face-to-face.<P>

Any ideas of encouraging her to go to counseling with me, without actually pushing her to do it? There are times where she agrees to it, but she will quickly change her mind before we actually get there.

Any other resourceful ideas?