Well, it's been my experience that your WS's avoidance of a counselor occurs in direct proportion to their sense that they are in the wrong (or that the counselor will make them feel that way) and their sense that somehow you "already own" the counselor. <P>So in the first instance, a woman would probably make her more comfortable (your wife would presuppose that the woman would be more sympathetic to her position), and in the second instance, obviously you let your wife do the picking.<P>Sometimes it's nice to use a psychiatrist because they can prescribe drugs. But don't ever reveal that that's why you went in that direction.<P>Now, supposing you don't get much help from the wife, what do you do? One thing might be to find a list of marital therapists in the area, do some prescreening, and present her with a small handful to choose from. The other thing might be to make it easy by doing phone counseling (3-way) with the Harleys.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Any ideas of encouraging her to go to counseling with me, without actually pushing her to do it? There are times where she agrees to it, but she will quickly change her mind before we actually get there.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You could go to counseling yourself, and see if the counselor agrees that input from your wife would make it easier to understand what you need to change about yourself. (I think it unlikely that the counselor would disagree.) Then invite your wife to come with you for that purpose. In other words, you're giving her an opportunity to tear you apart, with little risk to herself. She just <I>might</I> jump at the chance.<BR>

Talking to her now, she sounds like she is having a really hard time, dealing with all the stuff that she is going through right now. Being home. Finding a place to live. OM/drug addict "is having a difficult time".<P>I went and talk to a counselor yesterday and he was encouraging me to do what I am going to do. He also said that she sounded like she really needs to get herself into counseling for herself.<P>I just am not sure if I will be able to do it. She is stubborn. Her family agrees with me, supports my efforts, but will not help, will not talk to her for fear that they will push her away from them. <P>Any ideas?<P>

Can you get her into counseling <I>by herself</I>?<BR>

Weasel time: Since it's <I>her</I> hometown, admit you are having a hard time too, and that you are moving there because your job ended, and ask her if <I>she</I> can help you find someone good to help <I>you</I> work through <I>your</I> problems (since she is more familiar with the area, and has more contacts who might recommend, etc.) ... with a subtle guilt trip to motivate her to want to do it for you. <P>Of course, there is at least some chance the counselor will <B>hook her</B>.

She at times wants to get counseling for herself. She knows that she has issues to deal with as far as her childhood goes. But she never gets to the appointments if she even makes appointements. I think the best bet might bet to get her into my counseling to tell him all my faults or everything that I was doing wrong.

Interesting idea...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Talking to her now, she sounds like she is having a really hard time, dealing with all the stuff that she is going through right now. Being home. Finding a place to live. OM/drug addict "is having a difficult time".<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hope I am not jumping into this conversation at the wrong place, but here goes...<P>To bad so sad. If she is having difficulties with the consequences of the decisions she made, that is her problem. I think you need to set a boundary here - why are listening to her talk about the BF at all? I think you need to tell her, very gently, that you love her and she can come home if she wants to, but that you will not help her with her boyfriend problems.<P>My soon to be ex came up to me last weekend telling me how his new "friend" (he says he met her after he moved out, but I'm not so sure) was beat up by her ex the other day and that he was concerned. I just looked at him and said, "Is she ok?" He said yes. I said "Good, then I don't want to hear anymore about it." hehehe Should have seen his face! hehe<P>Anyway, just a thought. And here's another one...<P>STOP OBESSING OVER YOUR WIFE! You can't control her. You can't save her from herself. You have to let her be her own person and learn from her own mistakes.<P>As for moving closer to her...I only hope you can restrain yourself and that it doesn't cause more problems for you. My STBX kicked in my door two weeks ago because he couldn't take not living with me anymore, so he went out and got drunk. What did that get him? DIVORCE PAPERS, honey!<BR>

Well, she wasn't saying that stuff about OM for my benefit. Seemed like it was said to hurt a little.<P>As for kicking in her door, I know I won't be doing that. As for being drunk, I don't drink.<P>As for her problems, they make me feel like there is a little bit of an opportunity there. Maybe the fog is being lifted and she is actually seeing what she is doing.<P>As for obsessing. That maybe a little true. But I feel like there is an opportunity right now and I don't want to mess it up by doing the wrong thing. That is why I am here getting some feedback from the people here.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Well, it's been my experience that your WS's avoidance of a counselor occurs in direct proportion to their sense that they are in the wrong.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a great observation from my point of view. Are there ways that I could encourage her to see that?<P>

I'd say try to convince her that you <I>know</I> you've been in the wrong, but don't quite understand how (and can't see it if she explains it straight to you--you need a third party to digest it and give it to you in terms you can understand), and <I>she</I> owes it to you to go in and at least explain what she can so that you will benefit more from the counseling, and get that all-important sense of "closure". That casts things in the most non-threatenting light possible. Good luck with it, though.