The hearing is Feb. 15th, much sooner than I had planned. STBX has been wavering quite a bit lately. She has said that when she gets to the point where the judge asks "is the marriage irretrievably broken," she doesn't know what she'll say.<P>Her friends are advising her to go ahead and get divorced anyway...she seems to think that if we divorce and she realizes it was a mistake, we can just get back together. I've told her that once the divorce is final I'm moving on with my life, and I may not be available if and when she decides to come back.<P>So I'm wondering if anyone here has any last-minute divorce-cancellation stories. Anyone know of anyone who, when it came right down to it couldn't go through with the divorce?<P>Has anyone's ex tried to come back after the divorce? Did it work? Questions, questions, questions!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B>Her friends are advising her to go ahead and get divorced anyway...she seems to think that if we divorce and she realizes it was a mistake, we can just get back together. I've told her that once the divorce is final I'm moving on with my life, and I may not be available if and when she decides to come back.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's a <I>disrespectful judgment</I>, and BTW, an unsuccessful strategy I pursued. Or, rather, I succeeded in my then-aim of not reconciling (reconciling being possible up to, but not after the final decreee in my exalted opinion). Now I'm with someone else, and my (near-nonexistent) relationship with the XW seems like "unfinished business". <P>My point: stop telling her that. Start telling her that she should do what she feels best, you will try to work with her as long as it still makes sense for both of you. You tell her that you know it will be *hard* to just be "friends", but you will do your best to do it. You have held on tightly, now learn to let go lightly.<P>It's not guaranteed, and it may hurt worse than just cutting off the painful relationship. But it's the best hope.

I see your point. <P>Now, my next question is: How long do I wait? Realistically, she may NEVER come back to me. So I ask you the question I asked her: How long do I have to wait to move on with my life? When do I get closure? I can't see myself, a year from now, still holding on to hope that she'll return, not dating anyone, not moving on...just sitting at home wringing my hands, hoping for a miracle. <P>I guess I feel like I'm at the mercy of her ever-changing mood. SHE decides if and when I get to move on with my life. I guess I'm looking for hope first, empowerment second, and closure.

cjack,<P>Outside advice is sometimes so damaging, especially in cases like this. People give advice without knowing what emotions are really being felt by the recipient of that advice. You are in a no-win situation if you try to battle this advice. I agree with Sisyphus in that you need to focus on your relationship - not the divorce.<P>Over the weekend I had an in-depth conversation with my parents about "my future". It is so hard to explain to people that my love and commitment to my wife goes beyond just being in a relationship. To me it is something that is "lifelong" or so that is how I believe it to be at this time. If we proceed and get a divorce, that does not mean to me "its over" and there is no going back.<P>I think that even though our spouses may be in "the fog", I still think they are mature enough to realize that once the divorce is finalized, a little more (or most of) the commitment and love is going to be left behind. I really don't think anything is accomplished by drilling that into their heads.<P>How much did I hate hearing these words "if it is meant to be, then...". But now I feel differently about them. I look at all the circumstances around how my wife and I first met and how we married. They were unexpected circumstances and were far from being planned. So if I hope for lightening to strike twice with her, I just have to trust and have faith that it was meant to be.<P>Trust, patience and love - three things that we all can practice. If our loved ones never decide to come back, these qualities will have not been wasted.<P>My advice: Don't focus on the date of the divorce, focus on your love. Don't put demands or deadlines on your love. With God all things are possible. Better to spend your time focusing on your love and on your wife.<P>Good luck - God Bless. Be strong.<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B>I see your point. <P>Now, my next question is: How long do I have to wait to move on with my life? When do I get closure?<P>I guess I feel like I'm at the mercy of her ever-changing mood. SHE decides if and when I get to move on with my life. I guess I'm looking for hope first, empowerment second, and closure.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are perfectly empowered to stop waiting when the final decree comes down. All bets are off--but that's far different from arbitrarily saying "game over". YOU decide when it feels like it's time to move on with your life. If you have no patience, then fine, shrink her in the rearview.<P>Don't feel like you're at her mercy. You're going to stand on your own two feet--perhaps for the first time in a while. And so is she. Either or both of you may discover you like it, or may buckle to your knees. She wants to find that out for herself, and if that's the case, why don't you just learn to make the best of it too.<P>Closure will not come just by "moving on" and hooking up with someone else. Closure will come when you approach your wife with contrition for what you've done and compassion for what she has done. Then, if there seems sense in it, you can get into some sort of therapy together to see if it can all be put back together.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B>I guess I feel like I'm at the mercy of her ever-changing mood. SHE decides if and when I get to move on with my life. I guess I'm looking for hope first, empowerment second, and closure.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For empowerment, you just need to figure out what you have control over, and what you don't. Then take responsibility for what you <I>can</I> control, and give up responsibility for what you <I>can't</I>.<P>For example, accept that it is <I>your choice</I> how long you hold onto hope. If you choose to wait for her instead of dating, that is entirely up to you.<P>And don't forget that hoping for a miracle does not require you to sit at home wringing your hands. Depending on your goals in life, you may be able to "move on" just fine without closing the door on hope.<P>Closure? I don't know. I figure <I>I'm</I> just going to have to accept that I may have to learn to live life without it...<BR>

Cjack,<P>I had a last minute reprieve. We had a D hearing 11/20/2000. We tried to stop it the week before, but the Judge said we had to come in a request it. We had to go before the and then requested that the the D proceedings be dropped. Now we have until March to file a motion to dismiss.<P>It was scary but wonderful and it does happen. I think you should tell her how you feel and at least ask her for a 3 months reconciliation period. It might save you, it might not. <P>Addionally, act like the man she fell in love with. Be someone she wants in her life.<P>Good luck to you!!!!! I know how scary and awful you feel.

<BR>I am separated from my W. She has moved out recently. Each of us is waiting for the other to file for divorce. Niether is making much effort. Both of us are sad over this. Still dont know which way this will go, but I do know one thing:<P>"So Tired 2000" noted above that "outside advice is dangerous" I AGREE! I and my W have been inundated with advice from well-wishers, trouble-makers etc. I have enough to write a novel. My ONLY advice is to listen to yourselves. If you decide to go through with the divorce, do it because you both want to. If you stay, do it because it is right. If you do it for others you will always regret it or question it.<P>I know 2 couples who headed off divorce and one couple who actually remarried after they realized what the world was like out there. "Scared them to death" I believe was their exact quote.<P>Anyways, anything is possible, just do it for yourselves! Good Luck, T.J.

Hi Cjack,<P>Here's my take on it. You HAVE moved on with your life. Just because you may or may not be hoping for her to wake up and smell the marital coffee, doesn't mean you haven't moved on. We all have had to move on thru this horrible thing and we all have (hopefully) realized alot of things....both good and bad. You may still be holding out hope and wishing for a reconcilation, but in reality you haven't been on "hold"....you are still functioning in this world and still living life, albiet not the one you necessarily wanted. You are learning and growing each day.<P>I hear where you are coming from. I have had people tell me it's time for me to move on with my life (H is living with OW, no divorce talk at all). I kept feeling "guilty" for holding out a little bit of hope and still keeping the door open a little. But I finally realized, I HAVE moved on. I'm not the same person I was in November of 1999 when the sh*t hit the fan and my life fell apart.<P>I've been in Plan B since November '00 and I've pretty much accepted that nothings going to change and that my futre is whatever I make it. I've taken down all the pictures of him and packed away all the remnants of our marriage. I do not expect him to be in my life anymore.<P>My counselor asked me just yesterday what I would do if he asked to come back and try to reconcile. I didn't really know what to say. Part of me says "hey, I just came out the other side of the wringer and now you want me to crawl back in there? Forget it! It's too late for second chances." The other part of me says "okay....we could talk about this and we could take it veeery slooowly and basically start "dating" again to see if there is any compatibility between the new two of us." We aren't the same people we were and alot of bad water has gone under a very broken bridge. I believe in second chances...but when it's your heart taking the chance, it's not always easy to know what to do.<P>One thing I've found helpful is this: Whether I hold out hope or let it die, my life...joy, fulfillment, hopes, dreams....is not about what happens with him and me. It's about hanging onto God thru it all. It's about holding lightly my future and allowing God to direct it. Am I willing to let it die? Am I willing to take another look at it after I've let it die, should it show signs of life? I don't know the answers to these questions. All I do know is that if I look to God for each day's challenges and each days hurts, I am able to face them as they come (even it I'm kicking and screaming sometimes...). I believe God can start a new life between my H and I. But that is not what I focus on in my prayers. I pray and ask God to direct my daily decisions and to give me strength and wisdom for whatever challenges I must face that day. <P>I pray that maybe you could see it this way too. I think God wants us to be wise (depending on Him to give us that wisdom) but, more importantly, I think He wants us to be soft...pliable in His hands. So with that in mind, maybe you'll find a balance between moving on and hoping. But make sure the hoping is in God, not in your wife.<P>I hope I've helped.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Thanks to all for the replies. She went to see the OM this past weekend, and as before, when she came back she was cold and distant to me, and all the more convinced she needed to go ahead with the divorce. <P>Mike: You say "focus on your love." I honestly don't know if I have any left! My love for her has been bludgeoned out of me by constant betrayal. Sometimes I wonder if I even LIKE her anymore...I also wonder if I'm trying to stop the divorce out of a sense of duty or obligation to my vows. I'm actually starting to look at the divorce as freedom from this painful rollercoaster.<P>Sisyphus & GnomeDePlume: Thank you! Those words have given me a new perspective on closure and moving on that I have been looking for.<P>Anastasia: At least I got one story! I don't think I can get a "stay of execution" at this point, though. After seeing the OM, and going to see him again the weekend before the divorce, its looking pretty bad for me. Thanks anyway!<P>Tom Jones: I loved your performance in "Mars Attacks!" As for the divorce/remarrying thing, I think that's the option my STBX wants to leave open. She has always said that if, after the divorce, she realizes she's made a huge mistake, she wants the option of trying again. She even says "you know, there are lots of couples who get divorced and then re-marry..." I just don't know if I want to go through this all over again!<P>Mrs. O: Yes, you helped! I know I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago, when she moved out. I don't know if I'm better or worse, but the man I was in August is as dead as last year's flowers. I've always felt I was younger than my years. Now I feel like I've suddenly grown older overnight.