I haven't posted in such a long time. (but I do lurk...) My divorce is final. ExH is with Mia in what is now my former house. UGGHH. Well, there's my update in a nutshell.<P>Now, here's the question that has been quite the subject of definition. How do you define trust? Reason for my asking is that I have found I have become a total untrusting woman. Someone could tell me the sky is blue and I'd have to go outside to make sure. Today, a friend told me they had to cancel our dinner plans because his son was ill and being sent home from school. I actually grilled my son, who's in the same class if it was true that this kid went home sick.<P>I feel awful, yet completely out of control with this one issue of trust. How do you regain this trust thing? I was lied to, cheated on, and then dumped. I used to have blind faith in most people. Now I find I even doubt myself. Is there some magical cure for this? It's starting to consume me.

Got me...<P>I am a very untrusting person, except where my wife (STBX, cheater, liar, etc.) was concerned. I trusted her unconditionally.<P>It's sad to say, but I guess you can't trust anyone.

Don't know - that's a tough one. I basically always trusted my wife blindly - knew for a fact that if some guy propositioned her that she would turn him down flat. Now, I don't trust her at all, and with good reason. Sometimes I wonder if I will really ever trust another woman again, if I were to become involved with someone else.

Tired,<P>You need to take it slow..start by learning to trust yourself...keeping your word to others..and expect the same from them..<BR>including your kids..it takes time..I don't know how much..I guess as ppl begin to earn your trust slowly..by doing what they say they will..it will get easier..at least I hope so anyway..

Unfortunately, trust in a marriage requires your spouse to do more than just avoid cheating or abusing self or you. You have to trust your spouse to keep on top of your emotional needs, and identify their own needs and see that they and you fill them. <P>It's a tall order. I'd say it's like one of those animal acts at the circus where the animal walks around balanced on a ball. One slip... and it's all downhill from there, unless your partner helps you get right back up. Slip too many times and you're done.

TL,<P>If you have the time and are really interested, Charles V. Ford wrote a really good book, Lies, Lies, Lies, the Psychology of Deception and Deciept. Very well researched, it is very easy to read. He dispenses with the usual psychobabble and writes in plain english.<P>Chapter 7 of this book is posted somewhere on the net. I don't have the link, but you can find it with a search engines. <P>ps. IWON.com is one of the fastest and most effective Advanced Search tools I've ever seen. The site asks you to register, but I don't recommend it unless you want a ton of spam.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tired Lady:<BR><B>How do you regain this trust thing? I was lied to, cheated on, and then dumped. I used to have blind faith in most people. Now I find I even doubt myself. Is there some magical cure for this? It's starting to consume me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hate to say this, but I doubt that trust can ever be fully regained. There is no "magical cure". What you <I>can</I> do, though, is start making a habit of asking yourself how or why it matters. If your friend cancels a dinner date, why should it make any difference to you what the reason is? What harm will come to you if you assume that the reason given is the correct one?<P>The security you once had is gone. I think you are going to have to accept that. What once was blind faith is now going to have to be merely a working hypothesis.<P>It's a loss of innocence, really, and that's a hard thing to lose. But it's also a more mature viewpoint. Just don't let it become paranoia.<BR>