Was posting on EN for awhile but decided to come back here.(Some people were actually tell me to give up-hopefully they do not track me here) H is still with OW and we are still seperated. I have only talked to him a couple of times this past week. His family now knows. I just received the book surviving an affair and it has given me alot of insight. I just hope this marriage can be put back together. I keep thinking how OW has the upper hand in all of this and have to remind myself that God really has the upper hand. I guess I need encouragement. What do I have to offer that OW doesn't? She's 5-6 yrs older than my H and I and has 3 kids and is going thru her 2nd divorce. All I have is 2 dogs, our home and memories(plus I'm 25 lbs smaller and have a new tan - big whoopie!!).H still wants to be with OW though - no matter what I do. I hope OW starts to mess up here pretty soon. The affair has been going on for about 3 months and I hope it will end soon. I have made coming home an attractive choice for H, but I have to admit I never got to work on Plan A because H moved out and never came back. He spends all his time at his grandparents house or w/ OW. They work together and I do not know if this is all good or bad. H's family is very upset with him(except for his mom) and they have expressed their feeling to some degree-he tends to run when they want to talk to him. H still has all of his stuff at our home except for his clothes. If I call for him he seems to want to talk to me but I think its only because he is waiting for me to say whether I want a dissolution or divorce. All I can do is keep on with Plan A and B.Can someomne look in their crystal ball and let me know how this turns out??

The mist is clearing.. Yes, Yes, I see a happy, healthy person. Full of life, pleased with herself. I see personal growth. <P>Hold on what this??? You win the lottery!!! And while the local television station is interviewing you holding the quantium sized check you are noticed by a motion picture company and the rest just gets better.. <P>Just hang on,, You'll be OK.. ;-)

Trs,<P>I'm going to talk turkey with you a minute. At one point in your life, you stood before a judge or clergy person, before your family and/or friends, and before God, and you vowed to chose this man until death parts you. He vowed the same to you. Now, he has chosen to break his vow to you and furthermore, he is consciously picking another person. Trust me when I say, I know how hard it is to accept that for right now, he is picking another person over you. It hurts to the core, doesn't it? And if also feels like, "What the heck do I have to offer?" right? I'm 38yo, and I remember very clearly thinking, "Who in the world would want a 38yo lump like me?" <P>Trs, he chose to break his vow, and he may or may not come to his senses and work to make it right with you. BUT I applaud you for not reacting in a very human way and breaking your vows right back. And I don't mean sleeping with someone else, I mean just dropping him, leaving your marriage emotionally, and divorcing him on the spot. I admire you for choosing the mature, wise route of keeping your vows. {{Trs}}ppp Those p's are pats on the back!<P>I can't see into the future for you. I can't tell you how it's going to end. But here's what I can tell you. He may or may not come to his senses and remember his vows, and you can't force him to do it or make him want you. That hurts, doesn't it? But you CAN remember your vows to the end. You CAN learn about yourself and start to remember what you have to offer. You CAN learn about the mistakes you made that hurt him so much, and see if you can make amends for those mistakes--sometimes to him and sometimes just to yourself. For example, I came to understand that criticizing my H at work was really killing him, and I had to make amends for that to him in front of the folks at work--after all I criticized him in front of them, and I ought to apologize in front of them. I also came to understand that I have a hard time forgiving, and although I apologized for that too, that was mostly work I needed to do for myself. <P>You CAN come to understand your part in it, while also balancing that it takes two to tango and two to work at it and two to WANT to work at it. He may never come back--that I don't know. But the part of you that is YOU, that attracted him in the first place, that got buried beneath the fighting and hurting and loneliness, can start to come out again. In a way, it's like being reborn. <P>Now, here's some more turkey, and just so you know, this one bites me just as hard as it bites you. What the OW offers/offered that you don't/didn't is that while you were fighting, tearing down and hurting him, she was there as a haven to build him up and make him feel good about himself. I'm convinced now that it has nothing to do with looks, and very little to do with sex. It has much more to do with she made him laugh, she made him feel handsome, she made him feel smart and successful, she doesn't make him fix the toilet and help with dishes and face the bills. The funny thing is that it starts off as basically a fantasy of feeling good and getting away from all the pressure, and then I think they have to stand behind their pipedream rather than admit they made a mistake. Silly, huh? But that's the way it is--I told you I'd talk turkey.<P>Trs, stay where you are at, with all his stuff at your house and with your attitude of affair survival. He may not come around and join you, but YOU will survive. You will learn and grow and understand. It sounds silly, but he may NEED to do this in order to come to a deep down realization of what a wonderful person you are. You know, people do wonder if the grass is greener, and he may have decided to see. But if you keep things as they are, be honest with yourself, grow and learn, and let the TRS that attracted him in the first place start to bloom again. If he decides to stay with the OW rather than admit his mistake, let him file for legal stuff. But if he decides to admit his mistake, it won't be easy for you or him, but realize how hard that is for him to swallow his pride and admit that! <P>Now, come here. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Trs}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I know it seems like this is dragging on FOREVER and things will never be right again, and I can not predict the future, but this I do know. You will be okay. You will make it through this, and come out the other end a spectacular person, because one way or another, you will have been purified by fire.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Trs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Agood man in Texas , Thank you , you made me laugh!!<P>Faithful,<P>Thank you for your response, yes I did take my H for granted and I have admitted to it. I told him that I did not know how to express my appreciation for all he has done and just wanted more from him and did not give him the time of day. I know OW did do these things for him and filled his En's. I have changed alot in the past 3 months. I have turned from a task oriented person to an emotional oriented person. Friends and family agree. I have gotten alot closer to my mom and now have girlfriends to talk to (I just told H all my gripes - Love Buster!!) My patience is wearing thin and everything hurts tons. I do need to have that part of me that first attracted him to come out. I am still trying to find it. I think it was my strength that attracted him and my looks but I do not know what else sis-he said he used to say I could make him laugh. I guess I need to find my sense of humor thru the pain. Yes-I started wearing sweats almost everywhere we went the past year-thats not good to look at and I started getting sloppy about my appearance and the way I treated him. Also, he said last year that I did not make him feel sexy or attractive-I wish I could go back in time!! Of course she makes him feel this!! He is a very handsome man. I did put down his home town and job. I have apologized for all of this to him the last couple of months but that doesn't matter anymore. I will get thru this somehow...

Pay attention to what FaithfulWife says. She is so on the mark. No one can see into a crystal ball and give you an accurate prediction of what will happen. But we can crack jokes with you and encourage you.<P>Unfortunately, we can't make WSs do what we want. They, like us, have minds of their own and the right to choose. Sometimes they see the error of their ways and sometimes they don't. But we can choose to work on ourselves and to move toward being more excellent beings.<P>Just remember, you can always learn from experience. Would that we could learn more from other peoples mistakes, however. Don't forget to pay attention to what you learn. So you didn't compliment him enough when he was at home. Can you begin now?<P>Unfortunately, I didn't know about plans A and B at the time of my divorce. But there are a lot of people here who swear by them. And some people have had their spouse leave only to return. Stranger miracles have happened. <P>Good luck!! Everyone here is in your corner.<BR>((((((TRS))))))<P>---Cinderella