Now this may be a hot button for some of you, as it is for me.<P>30 second background: For the last two years before separation, stbx and I lived with another woman. The three of us shared everything, parenting duties, bed, expenses, etc.<P>A year ago (how it seems like yesterday) stbx left. I have primary custody of the children, about 75% with 7 yo son and 50/50 with 22 mo daughter. She lives in Los Angeles and I live in San Diego, so it's not like we can just drop over if we want to see the kids.<P>Our other partner stayed with me and we are committed to making a life together. Even before the breakup, she was the primary caretaker of the kids, because stbx worked full time and I was a full time student. She was in the delivery room for the birth of our daughter and such.<P>So here's the dilemna; about 6 weeks ago, my son asked new (old) partner if he could call her mom. She said (and I agree) that he could call her anything he was comfortable with. So now he calls her mom about half the time, and her name the rest of the time. Daughter has followed suit, but she calls her mom most of the time.<P>Well, stbx found out that son is calling her mom, and forbid him to do so. He was angry when he got home on Sunday, saying that he wanted to call partner mom. I told him again that he can call her anything he is comfortable calling her.<P>Now, I know if the situation were reversed, I would be angry. My older children by my first wife call FW and stepfather their parents. Kind of tugs at my heart. But after I thought about it for a bit, ahere what I decided. I made the decision not to be there for my older children. He decided to be there. He sees them everyday. I don't. He, all other things being equal, deserves the right to be called their parent.<P>So what do you all think? Should the children be allowed to call partner "mom"?

Mom's not theres to stop it, is she?

No, but i am concerned that he will feel that he is betraying his mother if he calls partner mom. What a terrible thing that he is forced to think about...

Since the kids mom is still in the picture, even if you are the primary caretaker, you are going to have to co-parent. More importantly, you don't want the kids being pulled apart with one parent saying you can call her mom, and the other saying you cannot. <P>My best suggestion is to come up with another "familiar" name they can call the new (old). Many kids do this with their new stepmom in a more conventional situation, and it works. Whatever you do, don't let this be a battle...the kids are always the ones who get wounded by the flack...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by grandpabri:<BR><B>No, but i am concerned that he will feel that he is betraying his mother if he calls partner mom. What a terrible thing that he is forced to think about... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Use this to teach a lesson. Explain that you <I>will not</I> tell him what he must call the now-stepmom, as long as it's agreeable to her. However, you understand that STBXW feels it is inappropriate. <P><I>He</I> has rights in your home, STBXW no longer has any.<P>STBXW will always be the woman who gave birth to him--that can never change.<P>He has three choices:<P>1. Do what he has been doing, in the fact of STBXW's opposition.<P>2. Lie to STBXW.<P>3. Change what he calls now-stepmom.<P>You can tell him how you feel about lying, but that you can't make the decision for him because you're not there to hear what he says to STBXW.<P>I'm sure he'll eventually find something that works for him. And he'll know his <I>father</I> trusts him to work out his own decisions. And will be there for him when and if they bomb out.<P>

Grandpabri,<P>I am very confused by the 30 second background. You had 2 women living together and all 3 of you were a "unit"? I suppose that is not very important in the topic of your question, I just didn't know that part of your story, but have always liked your replies.<P>In my opinion, I think all kids will only have ONE mom and ONE dad. To me, I find it extremely disrespectful if my kids were to call OW "mom". I carried them for 9 months, I delivered each of them thru 2 day child birth labors. I gave up much of my own life at age 18 to care for and raise these girls. I went back to college to be a better provider for them. You get the idea. It was my responsibility, and I'm happy to do it. <P>But I find it very insulting that some other woman would come along and give my kids a few baths and now she's a "mom". I've been doing it 10 years , as opposed to 26 weekends for a year. Also, I feel it more insulting to the REAL mom to know her kids call any other woman "mom", than it would be insulting to the other woman to NOT be called "mom". (does that make sense?)<P>SOrry, that one did hit my hot button. My ex and I agreed when we split (the only thing we could agree on), is that the kids will always have one mom and one dad. Thats it. Our kids were made out of love and are OURS. No one can ever take that from us. I also know my ExH would be furious if our kids called my bf "dad". <P>I can see if both parties have been remarried for ten years or something. Maybe always been there for every part of the kids life, maybe. But in most cases, I would say the poor kids get confused enough from a divorce. <P>Hope that came out right, nothing against your post, just trying to answer the question . <P>I also have to say that in your situation, if I read it right, and your W and you, shared your life with another female (I'm not very educated in that type of lifestyle), but I would guess that for a few years, you all were happy. Did the kids ever decide back then to call the other woman "mom"? <P>I would say only as my opinion, if their mom was ok with it then, and is ok with it now, its a family decision that you all can be ok with. If the real mom is offended, I'd respect her wishes. I think only a woman who gave birth to her kids could understand my frusteration (sorry to the guys) with that idea of calling OW mom otherwise.<P>Good luck, keep strong, hugs,Dana<BR>

Hi, Gramps! Haven't talked in a long, long time, but saw your name and checked on you.<P>You may or may not remember that Robert is not Kristin's biological father. When Kristin was wondering what to call Robert, I talked to her pretty honestly. No matter what had happened b/n her father and I (and we still maintain a really good relationship, btw, for her sake), he WAS still her dad and it would be nice if she was as considerate of his feelings as she would like him to be of hers for something that was important to her. Even though she was younger than your son, and rarely saw her father, she understood hurting feelings. She simply picked another name for Robert that no one else calls him. Robert and his brothers and sisters did the same for their step-dad.....he is "Pop", while their natural father was "Dad". I didn't make Kristin change her mind, I just pointed it out. Everyone's pretty happy with the way things went. <P>Mom is a name.....and if your son feels close to his step-mother, the name he chooses to call her will incorporate all the love and respect he gives it, regardless of what it is.<P>Present it to him...this is a good lesson for him...and let him choose. I agree he should not be forced, but our children also deserve to be able to make informed decisions and emotional distress to someone else is information they should have....not GUILT...you can do this straight up without the guilt.<P>Good luck to your family.<P>Lori

Hi, Brian..<P>I seem to be following Lori around tonight...but I echo pretty much what she said. I believe your kids should make their own decision.<P>In a divorce situation, things like this are very touchy to the adults involved. No one seems to complain when a new SonIL or DIL calls their in-laws "Mom" or "Dad"...<P>Sorry, but your stbx cannot set rules in a home she doesn't reside in. Just be honest and use common sense with the children. Even with issues like this, you can create later problems by "forcing" the situation.<P>And I agree with Dana in that I always read your postings and replies even if I don't respond...<P>--DeWayne--

More an anecdote than advise.....I am a nurse who does in home respite. I have been working for 8 years with the same girl and she lived with her b-Dad to begin with and then moved in with her Mom and step-Dad a couple of years later. She decided to call her step "Dad" after a little encouragement from Mom and I didn't have a problem with that but at the same time she started calling her B-Dad by his given name. Guess it was none of my business but I feel very strongly that your Dad is always your Dad. Now she differentiates between the 2 of them by saying Daddy J or Daddy K. It turns out, her step Dad in the end deserves the title more!!<BR>I have to side with the people who suggest it could be pointed out to your son how much he's hurting his Mom's feelings and though he needs to make his own decisions, perhaps a different affectionate name could be picked. By the way, he wouldn't be picking this way of handing out a little punishment???<p>[This message has been edited by Alizarin (edited January 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by grandpabri:<BR><B>Now this may be a hot button for some of you, as it is for me.<P>30 second background: For the last two years before separation, stbx and I lived with another woman. The three of us shared everything, parenting duties, bed, expenses, etc.....................<P>So what do you all think? Should the children be allowed to call partner "mom"?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Brian,<P>Am I reading too much into this? If not, how much of this did the kids live through, and how much did they really understand? If this post means what it seems to mean, you could be well on the way to some issues that are far more vital than the name the children use to address the "new (old) partner.<P>Bumper <P>

Thanks for all of the replys.<P>Dana: The point is that my partner has been around for three years now. She was in the delivery room for the birth of our daughter. My son can not remember a time when she wasn't around. She was the one that stayed around when stbx decided to move on down the road. So, IMHO, she has earned the right to be called "Mom". Now I don't think that the kids should rub it in her face, but it should be their decision as to what they call partner.<P>My older children call their stepdad their parent. I think this is appropriate because he has been the one that is there everyday.<P>lostva: Nice to hear from you. Calling her something else may be a partial solution, however, I feel that this is taking some of decision-making away from son. But it is something to think about.<P>Alizarin: You may be right about the punishment thing, Son is very intelligent. I'm a pretty bright guy, and he impresses me sometimes with the things he comes up with for a 7 year old.<P>Bumperii: No, you are not reading anything into the situation that was not there. The three of us shared everything. We have had this discussion on the board already. At the risk of opening up the can of worms again, what issues do you think will come up?