Thanks to all of you that helped me through the rough times. My divorce is final and even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel very sad. It was a relationship that could have been so great, if he were different.<p>Yes, I know. We're supposed to accept people the way they are. My mistake was getting involved with someone that I needed to change. I knew about the drugs (ecstasy & smart drugs), the bi-sexual past, his spend thrift habits, his need to control, the 11 yr. age difference, the lack of moral values, the superiority complex. I knew all these things, but he promised to change -oh yeah, I knew he was a liar also.<p>In this paragraph, I've enclosed the "reality that came about" in parentheses: He promised that we'd have a child (he made sure to have sex during my non-fertile times), he promised to take care of me (left me not knowing if I was pregnant or not), he promised to stop the cruelty (continued the emotional abuse -constant criticism and distancing) and drugs (continued taking smart drugs) -he promised me a wonderful life (I paid for the divorce). Regardless of what my eyes saw, my heart wanted to believe the promises.<p>We argued about finances from the beginning. He wanted to put things in my name, he wanted to have a joint charge card -almost every conversation (argument) was about money. With the huge salary he brings in and the fact that I'm very frugal, I couldn't figure out why we were arguing about finances. When I found out about his bankruptcy (didn't tell me -I accidentally found out), it all made sense. He needed a credit source. Even though he makes a lot of money, he still needs charging power to purchase big ticket items. Once he realized that I wasn't going to risk my credit rating for him, he became distant and cold. Then one night he left -within 2 months he moved to another State. He admitted the other day that he left me because I didn't seem to care that he needed to purchase another car (he wanted me to finance it, of course). <p>I'm finally starting to feel anger. How could he marry just for the sake of credit/money? How could he live his life using and discarding people? Everyone in his life serves some purpose -usually pertaining to furthering his career/status. I'm far from perfect and I have a lot of fears. I disclosed everything to him before marriage. What really angers me… no it hurts me that, "I told him about my fear of abandonment". When given the chance, he made my worse nightmare come true.<p>He called the night before the divorce (just to say goodnight). He called the evening of the divorce (just to say good night). The next day I received an email saying, "he didn't want the divorce". Then he called that evening sounding pleasant and nonchalant. Can you believe it, he said, "I seemed quiet". I tried to hold back the tears but I began crying and told him not to call me again. I told him that, "he could email on occasion". Somewhere in there I also scolded him for putting is job before me. In that instance, I forgot the real reason that we weren't together.<p>He has a way of manipulating me. Just before the divorce, he made it seem as if I didn't love him because I wouldn't move to the State he lives in (1500 miles away). He tried to convince me that the new location is beautiful, I'd have so much fun, etc. At no time during the conversation did he talk of taking care of me or giving 100% effort towards a relationship. He could easily come back to this State without totally disrupting his life (he's only lived there for a couple of months), but he lays all of the guilt on me -it's my fault that we're not together. He wants me to give up everything when he's proven that he won't be there for me. I have to make the game stop. I've been reading about behavior lately and his actions fit the description of a sociopath.<p>I need strength and prayers to help release me from his control. Even though the divorce is final, he says, "he loves me and he's there for me" -what a crock. Yet, once again I find myself wanting to believe the words -I'm trying not to let them sink in. For him it's all a game -as soon as I nibble he pulls away the bait. <p>Forgive me for rambling. It feels good to vent. My emotions are all over the chart. By writing this, I've released some of the pain. Thanks for letting me share this with you.<p>Good luck to each of you. <br>
