2 years since d-day.H still in bigger fog than ever be4.<BR>Wants to take 14 y.o d away with OW and her 12 year old d. Will not take 17 y o son !!! <P>H has not communicated with me since July 1999! I faxed him that witout communicating with me verbally he would not be able to take d out of town. I aslo stated in the fax that there were other issues regarding d that I needed to speak to him about!<P>He finally called in a state andleft a message that he needed an answer immediately or the reservations would not be held!!!! We played telephone tag for 3 days before connecting. He told me that the plane returns after midnight on the MOnday school starts. D is failing and the last thing she needs is to start a new term in a state IMHO. We never did this when married as it makes the kids crazy. I told him that I had a problem with this and then very politely tried to broach another issue related to d,but he had hung up on me!<P>He does not get so many areas of this parenting thing .... and does not seem to understand that he needs to communicate with me about the kids,should he wish to take them for more than court orderedvisitation! He has chosen not to until this time.<P>I am damned if I do and damned if I do not! And after 2 years of all this I am frankly exhausted of dealing with mangy kids and a H who is so narcissistic that it is very pathetic for all.<P>Please advise.

Wb99,<P>Is he out of his mind...<P>If I were in your shoes I'd say no way!! No...I'd say no ****ing way!!<P>The craziness that some of our spouces come up with is mind boggling!!<P>Take care,<P>Bill

WilliamJ<BR>Thanks forthe reply......I am really tired of this no win parenting. Older 2 sons (20)think he is the bees knees...he is giving them permission to be "without limits" Thankfully they are away at school.....they want no parents ,only friends,so very little respect shown to me and I have shown them the door until they can mature (if ever)!!!!!<P>I wish that for once this once sane man would present an option that I could agree too.<P>In addition I have 17 y o to be responsible for for the break,who will do cartwheels to please his dad,but knows that he is an @@@@@@@@@@!!!!(I have had 2 nights without kids home in 2 years as he never takes the 2 younger ones together.) He has effectively ripped this family apart....and there is not much I can do....and the law allows this immature, narcissistic and hedonistic approach to parenting.!!!!!!<P><BR>OH how I wish someone would speak out....but why should they???????<P>

Wilbok,<BR> I faced the same situation last year in that my x said she would was taking the kids to Fl, to om mothers last year during spring break. SHe told me this before we were divorced. <P>I was all set to fight it because the kids were going to be pulled from school early also.<P>My minister friend told me to let them go only if they wanted. That if I tried to stop them I would be the "bad" guy. He also felt that the kids would soon see through this good time parent.<P>So when then wife told me she was taking them, I said okay and this really through her. She also changed her attitude by saying only if the kids wanted to go.<P>In the end, the kids didn't go and I never said a word. They didn't want to go stay with strangers(om and his mother). So in the end, I was worrying about nothing.<P>I agree you should be concerned with d's bad grades, but will 1 day make that big a deal. Perhaps having her realize her bad grades will effect her elsewhere, no whatever, she will decide for herself not to go. <P>At 14, isn't she of age to decide where she wants to live? I would think the bigger stink you make about it, the more problems you will have down the road.<P>Thats my 2 cents.<P>Bob

RWD<BR>Thank you for your input. I did tell him I had a problem with this,so he put down the phone...and I never got to discuss any other issues. He does not want to deal with any issues regarding these kids...so they are PERFECT with him.<P>His lawyer then wrotemine regarding this issue and my response was to have him call me back.<P>D will flounder regardless...and I am tired of the effort and energy in arranging for special ed,tutirs,therapist etc and making sure she gets to all these places etc (and my paying for all these extras)<P>My kids see their father and the trollop (and I am being generous) as wonderful...which is their choice,but they will cancel anything and everything to be with him!<P>To digress,my dilemma is that while H can go off with this 28 y o sl*t..it is his life,but the fact that he brought this woman with all her baggage as well her 13 y o d into my children's lives, is somethi8ng I still have such a hard time with. And my kids do not get time with their father.....he and ow are 1 so the kids have to spend time with her when with him!!!!<BR>WHERE IS HIS BRAIN AS A FATHER? You and others on this board have reinforced my belief that there are some VERY GOOD MEN and FATHERS STILL. It is H and a few others I know who have lost their minds.

Wilbok,<BR>I know it is hard. I picked up my d a couple weeks ago and she ran back in to say goodbye to om/h. I felt like throwing up right there.<P>The main thing is you can't make yourself responsible for your h's relationship with his kids. ONly he can do that.<P>The advice I have gotten is that what you you are aiming for is the future with your kids. You want them to be your friends when they grow up. Our x's are going for that now, they want the kids to be their friends now.<P>A prime example is a friend if mine who w left him for om and ended up marrying om. She took the kids and would never let them visit their father by bribing them with trips on holidays. What would you rather do as a kid, go on vacation to a beach or ski trip or visit your old parent. My friend said she eveb basically kidnapped them one time by picking them up after school and taking them on a vacation.<P>What has happened now, is that when the one son displeased her, she tried controlling him with her gifts and he decided he was going to visit his father for the summer. HE ended up staying with his dad for a year and recently joined the marine corp. <P>During this time, his mother had another affair and has left om/h#1 for another guy. Now the kids want nothing to do with her as she has ruined two of their homes. <P>She currently has om2 but who knows how long that will last. She is about 60 yo and is facing old age alone. <P>Meanwhile my friend has his sons back.<P>Look at it from your d's side. SHe has a choice to go on vacation with someone her age and someone at an age she probally thinks is near her age(the 28 yo #$%&). What would you do in her shoes? Would you want to stay with your parents at that age? Mine sure doesn't!<P>SHould you give in? I don't know. But it sounds to me IMHO, that you are fighting too hard. <P>om/h in my case has a 20 something yo daughter and I have heard she has tattoos and x has been talking about them now. I have been expecting d to want one, but she hasn't so far.<P>Tonite d told me she wants to change her hair color to a lighter shade and also she wants to go to a tanning booth. I said no, but fully expect her mother to say okay. She too, is looking for a buddy, too bad it is our 13 yo daugheter.

RWD....thanks so much for your reply. I have posted a new topic which explains how this has evolved in my kids and my favour.<P>I never intefere with kids official visitation with dad. I have understood that they need to see him (and with him sl&t is part of the equation)<P>I have a problem when kids have other commitments and then cancel these and expect me to do what I need to with them at another time,which does not always suit me.<BR>I have a problem when kids conflict with me and he has the open door policy so they can run to him.<P>Son is there this week as he has a week off from school. I suggested that he stay there....and it is normalized as he did not storm out of "the wicked witches home" We arranged when he left (Sun night) and when he returns home(Fri before dinner)<BR>I told him ,being consistent ,that if he fights with dad,he may not run back here before Friday. He told me"then I will have to keep out of dad's way" I told him whatever makes sensefor you, but if I will not live with the Bad parent/good parent game in my home,I will not facilitate it either when kids are with him!

Sounds like you have a plan! I haven't run into that yet, well a little, but my kids haven't learned that game yet.

RWD:<BR>Thank you so much for your input. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Hopefully H will stop acting as a teenager, enabling our teenage children to behave in a way that offers only fun and no accountability for their actions.<P>No plan....simply the best that I can do,knowing that I make mistakes....this is the most logical parenting I can live with in terms of my sanity and what is the best for the kids in the long run. I want to instil the values we held as a family which H no longer has. I want the kids to be accountable and take responsibility for the good and bad they do to themselves and others. I want to equip them with the ability to make decisions having thought about whatever, without rushing blindly into anything without thinking of the consequences.<P>I want my kids to grow up to be caring,compassionate,honest human beings and capable to control their own destinies.<P>I can only do my best....and to be thwarted by their father at everyturn for 2 years by his condonation of all aberrant behaviour has been so hard. Hopefully the circle wiill start to close on this issue.<P><BR>