Dear M,<P>I am returning the cell phone you gave me back in October. At this point in time, I feel it’s the right thing to do for 2 reasons. First, it’s a tie that neither of us should have. Neither of should know, or care to know, who the other person talks to. Thanks for bringing that to my attention when you questioned my calls the other night. Second, I am concerned because I have no control over the phone. I have needed to send the bills in to work to cover my portion of them. It seems like the only way I can do that is by having my own phone in my name. <P>I also wanted to remind you again about the home/auto and the medical insurance coverage that we have together. Like the phone, it’s also a tie that neither of us should really have. The home/auto policy ends on January 31 so you have a couple more weeks to look for a new policy. As we already discussed, you’ll need to let me know when your own medical coverage starts so I can make the necessary changes to my plan. <P>As you can see, this is not another poem…another sad love song…or another letter about missing you. It’s just my way of letting go and moving on. For the last 10 weeks I’ve done everything a man can do to forgive you. I’ve asked myself all sorts of questions. Questions such as…<BR> <BR>Why would you lie about seeing someone else when all I asked for was your honesty…why would you lead me on when I gave you so many good-byes and easy ways to end our relationship…<BR>why would you continue to make love to me… why would you talk about having another child with me…why would you want me to go look at houses with you when I’m no longer living at yours…why would you want me to keep my things at your house when your involved with someone else… why would you tell me you need more time when what you really wanted was a safety net…why would you use my cell phone to call another guy…why would you call that guy 52 times in one month…why would you say you’ll marry me in that same exact month…why would you finally apologize for the affair yet continue it without interruption …why would you want me to rub your neck and hold your hand at the Disney show…and why would you ever question my desire to spend time with our daughter?<P>I waited patiently for your answers. Other than lies, they never came. I’m not waiting around any more. And I no longer care to know the answers. The only questions I’ll ask from now on will be about our daughter…how is she doing in school, how is she feeling, what does she need, and when should I pick her up and drop her off? The only thing I ask is that you do the same with me. It’s the right thing to do, especially for her. It’s also a sure way to avoid any arguments and at least appear friendly in front of her. As the mother of my child I will always respect and care about you. And I will always look at your family as my own because for a third of my life, it was. But as for you and me, I have nothing left to say. It’s all been said and done…..

CAA,<P>I see this is your first post here at MB. A little background info would be helpful, that is if you really want our help. <P>I'd say postpone sending thos letter, at least until we here at MB know more about you and your situation.<P>Bill

This is the letter I recently wrote to my fiancee. We had been together just over 9 years and have a 7 year old daughter. Although our relationship was rocky at times, I had thought things were really starting to come together this past year. I sold my home and moved into hers one year ago...I moved out on Dec. 30 because of the affair she's having. I went thru the same thing with her back in 1996, so this time I am less forgiving. Please tell me what you think...Thanks for your your support...

Got it...<P>I think...LOL<P>So you are not married. Children together? I see you have shared some of the bills...<P>My opimiom is, I guess since your not married and you don't want to be married to this woman then it's pretty much over.<P>I don't know how we can help you any since we are all married or have been divorced within the last two years. What specificly would you like us to help you with? I mean besides co-signing your sending this letter.<P>Bill<P><BR>

10 weeks?? Shoot...I've waited 7 years...<P>its sounds to me like she is looking for actions and not just words..I don't know your situation..or what you have done to show her that you forgive her and love her..but from reading your letter..you really haven't forgiven her..Your still hurting with good reason..and your hurt is probably coming out in anger..and not in love..<P>What all have you done in the past 10 weeks to show her you love her..and that you really forgive her??<P>

Well its been 10 weeks since I found out about the affair, but its been going on about 3-4 months. I've done just about everything I could do...especially in meeting her needs. She even admitted as much. But she takes it for granted...her initial response to my letter was "Can't you just leave me on your insurance and I'll pay half" NOT a word about making it work or being sorry. I just can't trust her anymore. Just 4 days ago she wanted to go out of town with my on my current business trip. She said she's call me back when she found out whether she could get time off work. 12 houyrs later, I drove by her house at 8am and saw another guy leaving. 12 hours later for god's sake!! It makes me sick!

Thanks for your reply Thorned Rose. Let me ask, why would you wait 7 years? Thats an awful long time to deal with the pain, especially if you're aware of the affair. I originally gave my fiancee a week...then another...then 2 more. The more I gave, the more time she wanted. I continued to support her in all the fun stuff (paying bills and babysitting) while some other guy has the difficult job of going club hopping with her 2-3 nights a week. And she continues to lie about EVERYTHING. I guess that bothers me the most...

Al, your situation and mine are quite similar. Mt stbxw and I have been married for 4 years, but together for 7. She had an affair in 1995 b/4 we were married. I won?? her back and decided to blow it off as we were not married. Well, to no one's surprise I catch her again last Sept. I a/k/a the fool, decide to try again. We go to therapy for 4 months, I meet every need that she tell me about. Were having sex, crazy sex, talkin about the future and just after new years she tells me shes moving out! (I know the OM is lurking out there)<P>She then becomes Ms. cold business person. She wants this, she wants that, after a week of that crap, I just decide ENOUGH! Go, please go, dont go away mad just GO!<P>Well, for the past 2 weeks she has been begging me to come back??? Wow!!<P>Al, try not to figure it all out. IMPOSSIBLE.<BR>Make sure you go far enough to support your daughter and not so far as to keep driving by her house looking for OM's car. Use the time instead to attend therapy (has helped me a lot), speak and listen to these fine people on this site and above all give yourself time to heal! Good luck, T.J.

Thanks for the insight Tom. I'm really not trying to figure it out anymore and the reason I drove by was because my daughter was begging to go home early that morning. She knows nothing about the affair and dropping her off while the OM is there is not how I want her to find out. So i did drive by to make sure, and sure enough, OM was there. How are you handling it now that your wife wants you back?? I went thru this back in 96', and after mine went thru a series of 4 failed flings, she came begging and i took her back...i'm just waiting for it to happen this time, because i'm not going to make the same mistake. I refuse to be a back-up or safety net for anyone....

Al, Ditto on the saftey net thing. I refuse.<BR>I cant take her back again, I dont have the energy! My addiction to this woman was worse than alcohol addiction. I have hit my bottom and have decided my sanity is worth more than her. I do however still need help. I go to therapy once a week (helps a lot) and I talk to other nice people like you. Just do your best to move on and give as much time as you can to your daughter! T.J.

Thanks again Tom...I feel exactly the same. I love spending time with my daughter...its just hard right now because she always brings up her mom and wants us to do stuff together. Its going to really hit me hard when my daughter finds out about the OM...maybe as hard as it hits my daughter. Her mom has already started giving me a rough way to go about when /how long I can see her. She uses her as leverage...makes me sick...so I wrote the leter below...<P>Based on our discussion over visitation with Amy, I am providing you with our original agreement from February, 1996. You will notice that it was based on my law school schedule:<P> Weeks during school:<BR> Tuesday: 5:30pm – 9:30pm<BR> Thursday: 5:30pm – 9:30pm<BR>Saturday: 9am – 5pm on Sunday (overnight stay)<BR>39 total hours of 168 (23.2%)<P>Weeks while school is not in session:<BR>Monday: 5:30pm – 9:30pm<BR>Wednesday: 5:30pm – 9:30pm<BR>Friday: 5:30pm – 5:30pm on Saturday<BR>Sunday: 9am – 5pm<BR>40 total hours of 168 (23.8%)<P>The tentative schedule I am now proposing (while Amy is in school) reads as follows:<P> Weeks while out of town:<BR> Thursday: 6pm – 9:30pm<BR> Friday: 2:30pm (from school) – 5pm Saturday<BR> Sunday: 9am – 6pm<BR> 39 total hours of 168 (23.2%) <P> Weeks while in town:<BR> Monday: 2:30pm (from school) – 5:30pm<BR> Tuesday: 2:30pm (from school) – 5:30pm<BR> Wednesday: 2:30pm (from school) – 5:30pm<BR> Thursday: 2:30pm (from school) – 5:30pm<BR> Saturday: 11am – 3pm on Sunday (overnight stay)<BR>40 total hours of 168 (23.8%)<P>As you can see, I have adjusted the tentative schedule slightly so that it matches our previous agreement hour for hour. You will also notice that in either scenario, I have Alyssa less than 1 out of every 4 hours per week, while you have her 3 out of every 4 hours. And in either schedule, Amy is only spending one night a week over my house. I will also point out that it is certainly in Amy’s best interests to have me pick her up from school on days where I can. Most of those hours (at least 2 out of every 3) would otherwise be spent in extended day as opposed to with you. We had discussed and agreed upon this before, so I do not see why anything should change now. <P>According to Child Support Services, we are now adhering to the 1996 schedule. Although I prefer the new tentative schedule, I would have no problem reverting back to the old one. I don’t have a problem adjusting the pick up and drop off times for Amy. We both have careers and other commitments that require flexibility in our schedules. In all reality, we can really help each other out in this area. But you do need to realize that I remain firm when it comes to the number of days and total hours I spend with Amy. I will not accept anything less than one of the 2 schedules shown above. Your offer for 1 full weekend every other week is totally unacceptable. First of all, it only comes out to 24 hours per week or 14% of the total hours available. Second and more importantly, I have never seen Amy on such a restricted and infrequent basis. Throughout her entire life I have seen Amy at least every other day and during many months, every single day. Unless you can show good cause (i.e. neglect, abuse, or abandonment) no judge/magistrate would ever allow such a drastic modification to occur. <P>You should know that one of the key factors in determining the “best interests” of the child is to keep the status quo for visitation whenever possible. This policy makes it easier for a child to adjust because she sees both parents with the same frequency even though she is no longer living with one of them. Since I lived with you for ALL of 2000, my status quo was every day visitation with Amy. I have plenty of mail to your address, cancelled mortgage/rent checks to you, and all your neighbors to back me up on this if you wish to dispute this fact. This will certainly come into play if you prevent me from seeing Amy during our scheduled times. <P>One last thing you should know involves my child support payments to you. You have already threatened to go to support services to have this modified. I will tell you right now that I would enjoy nothing more than that. Child support payments are based strictly on a formula that uses the wages of each parent and then a % contribution of those wages to a total. When my support was first determined I had just started at my current job. You on the other hand, were working part-time. Based on the formula from 1996 using our respective incomes, my support payments should have been $475 per month. Because I had already promised you more, I paid you the $550 that is still ongoing. Needless to say, things have changed since then. My income has gone up just over 12%. Your income on the other hand, has gone up nearly 50%. Be aware that modifications to support require a net change in income of at least 20%. Your net income change vs. mine is +38%. That means that my support payments can certainly be modified at this time…but definitely not the way you want. What we do here will be up to you.<P>I’m not trying to be a [censored] about this. And I don’t want to have to go to court even though I feel very confident about my chances. In the last three months, I fought with everything I had to hold on to you. Despite my best efforts, I lost you. Although I’ve finally accepted this, I will NEVER, EVER accept losing Amy. Not even for a second. I will fight tooth and nail and will pull no punches in order to see her. I hope I don’t have to. This whole thing can be a very smooth process if we just get along and respect each other’s rights. I have no intentions on ever keeping Amy from you, and hope you can do the same for me. If you give some serious thought to the visitation schedule above, I’m sure you’ll realize that. We should really appreciate that Amy wants to spend time with both of us. There will come a day when we won’t be #1 on her list. And we should appreciate each other for wanting to spend time with her. I know I do. In the best interests of Amy, I hope you do to.

Confused..okay..my situation isn't w/ another person..his attentions have been to drinking and work..he's spent the nine years of our nine year marriage gone..literally...he's been home one weekend a month..I say the past seven only because w/ the weekends he's been home, vacations, and the year I went to where he was working..I gave him those as time together..(even though he was drinking, and working weekends when we were there, and drinking when he was home) so you take 12 weekends a year x 9 years..and you may get a year..soooooo...but for the past 7 years I have asked him to find another job to where he'd be here..and he hasn't..I even sent his resume's out for him..and he wouldn't even return the calls of the prospective employers..<P>So for me it's more his desire to be gone..<BR>I have basically been a single mom for 12 years..(I have a child from before the marriage) and even married I was alone..physically and emotionally..even now he says he wants to stay married but he won't look for another job..he wants it to stay the way it has been for the past nine years..and I just can't do that anymore..

oh and another thing..he's promised after every job that he would take time off after the job was over and look for another job..<BR>and he never did..he'd take his vacation and during the school year so we couldn't go anywhere..and he still wouldn't look..he wouldn't even LOOK or CALL around to see what companies in his field were hiring..and I am tired of all the lies..and broken promises..<BR>this past year he told me he has never intended on looking for another job..so that just makes me wonder WHY did he marry me to begin with??? Only to take a job that would take him away from home so much three months into the marriage..while I was pregnant no less..