I need some of your advice/thoughts....<P>I am thinking of sending some flowers to my ex-wife on Valentine's Day. If I do, it will just be something friendly, maybe white roses or carnations, but I would definately shy away from the red roses.<P>My intent would be merely out of friendship on this one. The past few times I have spoken with her she seemed a little down and I hate to see her like that. She recently sent me a birthday card which stirred some warm feelings within and if flowers would do the same for her, then all the better.<P>Is it out of line to send flowers to your ex on V-Day? Keep in mind, she is the one that wanted the divorce not me and we have done a pretty good job at maintaining a friendship through all of this. Does this look too much like I am trying to win her back?<P>Thanks for the thoughts.<BR>

In the end you will do what you will do, but if you want to move on I wouldn't send flowers on Valentine's Day; another day, maybe, but not Valentine's Day...the day for Lovers. In sending flowers and all that they represent, you are going to feel worse. Trust me on this.<BR>

I agree - sending flowers, any flowers on Valentine's Day looks like you are trying to win her back. I think you should just leave well enough alone on that day, if you want to stay "just friends".

I disagree. If you feel something in your heart, then go with it. To be honest, I have been thinking of something similar to my stbx. My thinking is; If it is something from my heart, then it is special to me no matter how she receives it.<P>Just be honest with yourself in that you are doing it because you have feelings for her and you want to brighten her day. As long as you are honest with yourself about why you want to do it, then I think there is nothing wrong with following your heart.<P>So many, so so many people err on the side of caution when it comes to matters of the heart. But why limit yourself? Why limit or try to ignore your feelings? Why are we always trying to put our feelings away?<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I don't think the issue is how one feels. I know if my ex sent me flowers it wouldn't make my day. The end result would be more hurt because I wouldn't appreciate them the way I should and therefore not give him the reaction that he would expect. He would feel bad and I would feel bad because of the situation. No one is debating on pretending to not go with what is in your heart...but after a divorce I don't think it is emotionally healthy to send your ex flowers...especially if the pain is fresh. <P>

Lonelysoul,<P>I understand your point. I think maybe it just goes to the belief we have about divorce - I really believe that divorce is just a piece of paper. I don't think that once that paper is signed, my feelings will change.<P>So if I love my wife before we get divorced, and I want to send her something to express my feelings "without expecting anything in return", where is the problem? Now if I expect a "thank you" or phone call or something, then it would not be a true gift in my eyes, it would be a gift with strings attached.<P>>>"No one is debating on pretending <BR>>> to not go with what is in your heart..."<P>Not sure what you are saying here? I don't pretend when it comes to feelings - I say and do what is in my heart.<P>From my own experience, I have sent my wife things here and there, since we have been separated (even though in her eyes we might as well be divorced) and never once did sending her something "make" me feel worse? If I am doing something nice from the heart, how could that make me feel worse? And once or twice she mentioned the incidents months later saying that it was a nice thought. Never expected any kind of reaction from her or a thank you or anything for that matter.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

SoTired:<P>Perhaps some of my views stem from my own experience. In the 16 years I was married, I always loved to get flowers. Our anniversary was around Valentine's Day and it was a fantasy of mine that my H would sent me flowers at work...or at home. He didn't. Last January when all of our problems exploded and we separated he sent me red roses. All the years I wanted the flowers he never sent them...I looked at those roses as being sent for him not for me. When it mattered, he wouldn't do it. When the marriage was over, he decided to. Too little too late.<P>[<BR>

I might stick with a card that expresses the a loving frienship sentiment. Since she left, roses on a romantic holiday might make her feel obligated or pressured in some way. Express loving feelings toward her in a less traditional way. Even a a phone call would be nice. Eve white ones I think would be crossing a line. But I understand your need to let her know that you are thinking about her on this day.

I have mixed emotions on this one. I see both sides. But, I think you should not send the flowers and just call her and talk to her. <BR>

J,<P>I would say do what your heart and soul tell you. If you want to send her flowers because YOU want to, go for it. Not sure if you are looking for a reaction from her or not, don't expect it. It is an expression of caring and love from you. I imagine that is the impact you are looking for deep inside. Flowers won't win her back, but, if it makes you feel good doing it, hey, it's about us now.<P>I would sent flowers to show friendship and a willingness to move on type arrangement, I'm sure FDA has one of those. I, personally have a very strange relationship with both my X's, yes, plural. I harbor no ill will towards either of them. I help them both when I can. Do no harm.<P>Most folks don't understand how I can be cordial/friendly to the X's. I was the betrayer first round [she should wish me dead, and probably does] and the betrayed the second time. I married them at one time and no matter what they or I did does not change the fact that I care for them.<P>Don't send the flowers to win her back, send them because you want to and care about her.<P>The Village Idiot.

We are scheduled to be in court that day fighting over the child support she will not pay.<P>Maybe poison ivy? <P>In an exploding pot?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lonelysoul:<BR><B>SoTired:<P>Perhaps some of my views stem from my own experience. In the 16 years I was married, I always loved to get flowers. Our anniversary was around Valentine's Day and it was a fantasy of mine that my H would sent me flowers at work...or at home. He didn't. Last January when all of our problems exploded and we separated he sent me red roses. All the years I wanted the flowers he never sent them...I looked at those roses as being sent for him not for me. When it mattered, he wouldn't do it. When the marriage was over, he decided to. Too little too late.<P>[</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, you gave me something to think about. And maybe I can return the favor here. You see when my wife moved out (actually I started months before she left) my eyes were finally opened. I saw who I had become and I did not like it at all. I focused all my energies on implementing changes in my life while at the same time showing my wife ALL the love I had always had for her in everyway possible. See, it was not that I did not love her, nor did I take her for granted. Rather I just did not understand what she needed me to do for her to "feel loved".<P>I thought all along that working hard, providing for us both, being the leader of our house, showed her how much I loved her. Sure I told her and did nice things, but they were far and few between. I can say that she never told me what she needed to feel loved, but that may not be true - for maybe she did and I just was not paying attention <P>In any case once she really made me aware there were problems, I made the dedication to change myself - and I did. But unfortunately, she reacted similar to how you did - 'TOO LITTLE - TOO LATE' - Even saying those exact words to me. Let me tell you Lonelysoul, if your husband was sending flowers and doing nice things for you, I feel fairly confident in telling you that they were done because he loved you and wanted you to know it. Really. I don't think there was one time where I sent something or did something for my wife during that time, where I was at all concerned with my feelings - I was doing them for her.<P>But reading your post, it just hit me - all along she probably believed that everything I was doing was for me. That makes me feel even more sad. I guess I was in a "no-win" position with her - If I didn't do those things, then "I would never change" but if I did do those things "It is just my own selfishness". Wow.<P>Last night I was watching Opra at 2:00am? and the doctor she often has on the show was talking about a young couple. He put into words something that I really believe women don't understand about guys. This wife was waiting and waiting for her husband to turn into the man she dreamed of. The only problem was that the husband had no idea what his wife wanted him to be. <P>It was like the doctor was speaking right from my heart: He said "If you tell your husband what it is that makes you feel loved (get fuzzies all inside), then I guarantee you he will be like the energizer bunny and make it his goal to meet that need as much as he can". <P>And ladies it is so true! If you tell us how you want to be treated to feel loved, I promise that we will respond!! The doctor also said that often the response from the women is "well if I tell him that it is not from his heart". How else will we ever know what it is you want if you don't tell us?????????? <P>Men want to please women. Men only want women to appreciate them. If a woman tells a man what will please her, he will do it so that she appreciates him. It is not that difficult... Don't ya agree?<P>Mike

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. My intent on this one is merely to let her know that I still care about her, not to win her back. If I really thought that flowers could win her back, I would have purchased an entire florist by now, believe me!!!<P>I had also thought of just sending a card, which may be the best way to go here. I rarely bought flowers for her in the past, and when I did, they weren't for any 'special' or 'commercial' occassion. Giving her flowers at random times always took her off guard. Although she liked them, she used to comment that she didn't need flowers from me to know that I loved her. A card would accomplish the same thing in this case.<P>Hey Medic, why would the Food and Drug Administration have flowers????? Are you sure you didn't get FDA confused with FTD? Just keeping you on your toes...<BR>

grandpapri, <BR>You have me LMAO That would be something to send an arrangement of Poison Ivy to someone. I wonder if it has ever been done before?<P>A friend of mine suggested that I send her a plant because it would live longer and would always remind her of me when she looked at it. Then it got me thinking....since I am Jewish and I am somewhat 'lost' I thought I could send her a Wandering Jew plant! I wonder if she would understand the symbolism?<P>Mike, <BR>As always, you bring up some good points. I too kept doing things thinking that my wife would understand them as my way of showing her that I loved her, but they weren't things that she needed to fulfill her needs. If she would have only told me WHAT she needed, then I would have been more than happy to do them. I think it only becomes a "too little, too late" type of thing when you are not only being "what" to do, but "when" to do it as well. Just think though, even if our significant others have left us, by changing ourselves and becoming better people now, we will be that much better for someone else down the road. <p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited January 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>Just think though, even if our significant others have left us, by changing ourselves and becoming better people now, we will be that much better for someone else down the road. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think about that every day. What makes me sad is to think that I know if I meet someone new and treat her how I have been dying to treat my wife, my "then X" will look at it and rationalize to herself "why didn't he do that when he was with me". When all I want to do right now, is just that!<P>I was thinking about a little arrangement of candles. She loves candles and smell is sometimes a powerful trigger - Not to be mean and remind her of me, but rather maybe give her the opportunity to remember some of our "happy times" together...<P>Mike<BR><P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Ah Brother Mike,<P>Is it no surprise that my ex also enjoys candles and has a favorite scent. Upon my first visit to her apartment shortly after she left our house, I brought her a house-warming gift of candles and room spray of her favorite scent. I also thought the same thing, not necessarily for her to think of me, but to remember some of our good memories.

Hello my friend.<P>I am speaking as a "hopeless romantic" and therefore believe it would be ok to send her flowers on V Day....<P>Also, what's wrong with her knowing you would like to win her back?<P>I have learned that while 'most' women don't want to feel 'pressured or smothered'; most do want to be pursued.<P>I would send her some flowers, but if you send a card....do not send a 'mushy gushy' card and don't sign it "Love..."<P>Find a card that expresses your emotion about her without going overboard.<P>Bottom line is....."follow your heart"<P>[censored] from Texas

Hey J,<P>Depends on what kind of "flowers" you were planning on sending. I have glaucoma, yeah, that's the ticket. Can you say Cannabinacea?<P>I don't do that any more, of course, I don't that any less.<P>The Pinhead.

ROFLMAO<P>Guys you are too much. Exploding potsof poison ivy. Wandering Jew plants from the Hebraic man. Too Much!<P>Valentine's Day was our anniversary. Always a tough day for me. Usually go out with a female friend. She and her dead husband had also married on that day. <P>Guys - if you need a woman to send flowers to, I nominate myself. Perhaps you should send them a day before or a day after VD, though as I don't usually work on Wednesday. I can certainly supply the needed address.

Bluemountainarts.com has some cards for people who are no longer together. I just sent one to the XW as a matter of fact, since our 12 year anniversary would have been 2/4.<P>It's really hard on me to think of that. No matter what we went through, I'm still kind of stuck on her. Even though new GF meets my needs to a "T", I would be willing to re-enter that old situation (hopefully with a ton of improvements). And no, I don't consider myself a glutton for punishment.<P>And again, to those unsure whether to pause and catch your breath after a breakup: even if you find someone <I>perfect</I> for you quickly, there are thoughts and feelings that <I>almost certainly</I> will come back to haunt you. It just <I>ain't</I> fair to the new person.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 01, 2001).]