[b] AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH [b]<P>To repeat Jayhawks comment on Monday.. <P>Another hour long unproductive phone call with the STBX.. Ok, so he moves in with OW, supposedly moves out. Starts calling me every day.. Writes me this long letter saying how sorry he is for all that he did. Doesn't know what he wants. Not ready to "date" me again, but not ready to give me up either... (That's the long and short of it).. <P>Finally tonight I finally decided to ask him some very pointed questions. I am tired of living my life in this damned limbo. He will commit to nothing. Wants nothing from me (so why does he call). I said that we needed to spend some time together (for me if nothing else) to find out if we (ME) even wanted to go any farther with this at this point. I am NOT ready to get back together with him. I don't even know if I like him anymore. I know that I love him, but that doesn't seem to be enough. <P>I am wondering now if I am starting to play the game that I have accused him of. Am I just trying to "win" him back for my own pride? I am no longer sure I could/would ever be happy with him again. Why, then do I feel this compulsion to try???? I am starting to be able to see my future without him. Still not much in it, but I never planned it overnight before. I am not looking forward to coming home just because I would be able to see him. I am missing my family and friends.. (and the dog too of course), not him. <P>On the other side.. I have enjoyed the phone calls every night from him, just because I am lonely and bored at night on the road..Am I using him as much as he is me??? Or am I just a pitiful excuse for ????? right now?? <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

Dear Blindsided:<P>You said something I simply don't understand. How can you love someone you don't like?<P>I remember when I used to go away and look forward to coming home but not to seeing her. I had these ideas that maybe she would just leave while I was gone but knew the son would need someone there and then the idea faded from my view. What a terrible thing to say! And now I'm trying to make sure it won't work? Why?<P>I think it is a quest to do the right thing, to settle this with as few regrets as possible. There will be loss and anguish... the memories are the worst part... I'm hopeing for the best and preparing for the worst.... whatever that is.<P>Why do you love him?<P>How long were you together? Why did you marry him? Why did he marry you?<P>Bored? What can you talk about with someone you don't like? I simply don't have time for such things. Meet someone new and move on... you seem to deserve better than someone who doesn't know what he wants.<P>"Am I just trying to "win" him back for my own pride?"<P>That is what I am wondering... if it is I want to find out because it is clearly the wrong reason...This was but one of the questions I asked the counselor today. Part of my 5 page narrative and list of questions.<P>Bills are paid this evening still have credit cards to manage, changed the mail address today to avoid mischief... Pretty sorry state of affairs huh? Trying to patch up things with someone I don't trust... Am I nuts or what?<P>My crepe myrtles really need to be trimmed... I hope this mess resolves to the point I can get to them before too long. I really want to go home. However, I always said that all I need is a Walmart Super Center, internet connection, a small quarters and a big shop... three out of four ain't bad...<P>One thing I've learned so far out of all this mess... maids are a lot cheaper and less trouble than a wife.<P>You left the thread... an independent lass aren't you?<P>Curt

Curt- <BR> Just left the other thread because I felt like I was changing subjects a little.. <P> You asked how could I love him and not like him. I love the man that I married. Kind, and honest. Not cruel and deceitful. I married for the right reasons. I love the man who treated me with the same respect that I treated him with. I knew that there would be good times and bad. I was/am willing to live with that much. What I am not willing to deal with is living with someone that I will constantly "fear" will lie, cheat, and leave me. We have been together about 5 years, and I still thought they were good ones. I had no idea that he was unhappy. There were no signs (that I could see then). We went on vacations, did things together, were intimate, talked about our feelings, thoughts, and dreams (or so I thought).... <BR> What I see now in him is a coward. A man who has, to quote his own words, "betrayed, myself, my family, my wife, and my God". At some point we all do at least one of the above, but we own up to it and don't just stick our head in the sand. He has and still is doing that. One of his newest answers is to go to another city and start over, rather than face things at home. All I see in that is cowardice.. Someone who is afraid to deal with reality.. <BR>Life isn't easy, but we can't run away from things when they get hard. <P> Bored? You have a valid point.. As for getting out.. It isn't always that easy with my life on the road. Other than work, it is hard to keep busy on the road. I guess I like the distraction more than anything. I know that most of it is psychological as for the phone call... Makes me feel like "someone" actually misses me when I am gone. Boy, am I starting to sound like a needy winch, huh? <P> You also mentioned being "independent", I guess I am. One of the underlying reasons that I took my current career is that I could afford to live on my own if I had to. Wouldn't have to sell the house, could pay any bills that I had, etc.. Guess somewhere in my subconscious, I thought this could happen... I am sure that my independence somehow contributed to all of this.. I had been on my own and supported myself for so long, it was hard for me to "depend" on someone for basic needs.. <BR>

Could the desire to relocate be born out of the desire to start fresh? Not encounter the ow? Could it be embarassment? No one there would know how badly he had screwed up?<P>What do you want to do? I have no idea. I do know that you need to make decisions you can live with. When you put your head on your pillow at night, you need to know you did your best. What is the RIGHT thing to do? If it is to talk and talk and try again, maybe that's what you should do.<P>My x kept saying he wanted to try again but he couldn't put those words into action. He was the one who wanted out and left. I never ever saw a change in his actions. And I was too hurt to pick up the slack. Maybe I should. Maybe we........<P>I always found that the best thing was to seek God and His answers.