Things keep changing one minute to the next. Please see some of my prior posts. My current problem is stemming from the conversation with the OW. By all accounts it was a very good conversation, we were both honest with each other, even about things that are very personal. She told me about how he showered her with gifts and how they talked about their future together, I shared about our marriage and how we still slept together occasionally. I even told her that his heart probably wasn't in it and that it was purely due to the comfort level we shared. The OW made it clear before Thanksgiving that they were broken up, she was upset with how my husband broke things off with her and how he just expected her to wait for him until he was done "coming home, for appearances sake". My stbx calls her constantly, and now she keeps questioning his faithfulness to her (she wants the truth from him, now that she knows that we did sleep together). My husband just called me at work, ranting and raving, asking me if I talked to her or if I had someone else call her. He said he needs to know because his future depends on it. It's like he doesn't see that this whole extra-marital affair began with lies and deceipt. Doesn't he see that I am the injured party in all of this, I find it amazing, the cruelty of this all. He is so desparate for the OW to take him back, yet he wants to continually lie. He has made his bed and he needs to lie in it. My huge problem is this; I have to endure the wrath of him, he is pressuring me to tell him if I talked with the OW and told her that we have recently slept together. She said she would not say anything about the conversation, yet I do understand her wanting to know if he is telling the truth. I am so scared as to what he'll do (he won't inflict bodily harm). Please give me some advise. I really think that my conversation with the OW was a good thing. HELP HELP HELP

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>He said he needs to know because his future depends on it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><I>How</I> does his future depend on knowing whether you talked to the OW? Perhaps he needs to know exactly what you said so he can figure out the most convincing lies to tell her? I'm sorry, but that is just <I>too</I> funny. (Excuse me for a moment while I regain my composure.)<P> ...<P>Okay, sorry, I'm better now. Unfortunately, I have no confidence in my advice on this matter, but I would be tempted to agree to answer his questions wholly and truthfully...in the presence of a counselor, if he explains to the counselor why he needs to know.<BR>

IMHO, it is none of his business what you talked about. He obviously is not taking your feelings into consideration.<P>Isn't it funny how they somehow try to make themselves the victim in all of this. My stbx does the same thing.

My STBX said the same thing to me when I called his house, she answered and I asked her how long she had been having an affair with my husband!! He had the nerve to tell me that I CAUSED THE PROBLEMS...Meanwhile he was doing the same thing.. sleeping with me, and lying to her... I told him if he had been honest with both of us, it never would have happened this way!!! I think it's funny the way he got caught at his own game.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>I am so scared as to what he'll do (he won't inflict bodily harm)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In order to really help, we need to know what he <I>might</I> do that scares you. Would it be to himself, to you, to third parties? <P>I'm with the <I>deny him information</I> crowd, except that I don't know where his wrath might be headed, so before I say that I think we better find out what surprises might be lurking. <P>Now, if substantial numbers of his neurons are firing well, he will deduce correctly that the OW knows he was still sleeping with you. So he will know that he has to come clean in that regard. They probably aren't, and without the information he needs, he probably won't. And will get caught. And will blame you. <P>But somehow I don't think that will drive a further wedge. I think it puts you in a <I>stronger</I> position because the gate is closed on OW. He also knows now that you have the means to discover his infidelities, and the will to act upon those discoveries. Love must be tough.<P>He can go to a new flame, but he goes without a safety net this time. Or, he can get in therapy with you. <P>For your side, you need to let go a little bit of your image of him as nothing but a liar. If you don't, there will be errors, innocent omissions, and things that didn't turn out as-planned that will for you assume the aspect of lies. You will never see daylight from this problem. <P>People don't start lying in a vaccum. They start to lie when they perceive a disproportionate punishment for any unwelcome truth. That kind of issue drives husbands into the arms of other women, too. The lies perhaps start as nothing more than choosing the timing to convey a truth. Then the truth needs a little shading, perhaps something left out, perhaps a rosier projection than is realistic. Where does it wind up? Baldfaced whoppers. Make yourself truth-friendly, and you'll get the truth. That means leaving room for the full range of ways that people fall short. I don't know if you're Christian, but Christianity asks that we do that for strangers. Can we do less for a beloved spouse?<P>But back to the main action: We still need to know what he might do, so that we can tell you whether you're undertaking a character-building exercise or allowing something very destructive to happen.<P>

Rejected,<P>Bottom line...he moved out of your arms and into another woman's. He lost the right to know the context of ANY conversation you had with ANY other person...<P>IMHO <P>Lisa