I've got a problem. I don't know if its the roller coaster or what but I need some opinions.<P>I believe you have the mojority of my backgound. The wife had a horrid past that I absolutly never knew about. It was absolutly hidious. All the things that have happened over the duration of my marriage (11Yrs.) nothing ever made sense. It all came into focus about 3 hours after I handed my wife the divorce petition. As I descovered about her childhood. <P>Let me say first that I filed for the divorce. I was getting no input from her at all, zero, natta, nothing. I have to let go and move on. <P>Second, I believe in the lord Jesus, I believe I'm a rightous man. <P>Third. I love my wife, even though the love bank is incredibly over drawn, as she has been making withdraws the entire marriage. <P>Now the problem I have. Every single time I do something to move on with the divorce something happens to me. <P>The day I called my lawyer to file. Somebody rear ended me in my truck.<P>Right after I handed her the petition, I read a book her brother wrote to explain thier hidious childhood. And was devastated. Completely.<P>She goes to see her lawyer and requests changes that are so minor they don't really matter. This prolongs the ordeal a few days.<P>There are a few other things that have happened along these same tracks, but I believe you have the general Idea.<P>So now I have all the paperwork squared away and once again must give her the papers.. I love my wife very much. I will not go back to the way it was. I am willing to do what ever it takes to help US. <P>I don't know if somebody (upstairs) is telling me something like 'DON'T Do IT'.<BR>Give her one more chance to come around. <P>I have been seperated for a year now. No emotional contact from her. No words of encouragement from her. its almost like talking to a tree about it. I handed her the intial waiver 3 weeks ago. and just mid week last week went to a lawyer. We have been talking quite well this last week. <P>My gut tells me it will never work out. But my heart tells me to take one more shot. Tonites the nite I'm to give the waiver papers. If she signs them its all over but the property issues. She wnat even have to show up in court. <P>I'm pretty scattered right now. <BR>

Count the words in the Gettysburg address. Write a script for yourself not one word longer. Deliver your words with the document for her to sign. Then leave it in God's hands.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AgoodManInTexas:<BR><B>I love my wife very much. I will not go back to the way it was. I am willing to do what ever it takes to help US.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just be sure you tell <I>her</I> this.<BR>

I understand your looking for signs...I have also done so...but in the end, what contact has she initiated with you? I think that something that all of us here have in common is that we are givers...some more than others, we give and give, forgive, pardon and in the end...make it easy for the spouse to come back...and they don't. <P>I understand your fear. But how I am approaching the divorce (and the mood swings left right now or as Sysiphus pointed out they may be shifts rather than swings ) is that I need to go through the divorce for me. I have been accomodating for 1 year...staying out of the way, letting him say and do whatever, we all have things in our past that effect us. We can't save them from themsevles...they have to want the help and make the effort. I am proceeding with the divorce. If it is ment to be...then it will work out...I believe in marriage...but what I have learned is that it is no safety zone...<BR>My 2 cents are if it is ment to be, you will reconcile whether your married or not. But for me the divorce is me saying I am no longer going to live my life like this...we are a partnership a team...or we go it alone.<P>Be strong for you and do what is right for you <BR>

AGoodManInTexas,<P>I am a big believer in signs - But not just that they were sent from God, but also I believe our minds work in mysterious ways sometimes. If things happen while you are doing something you have doubts about, then chances are maybe you have bigger doubts then you are letting yourself believe.<P>I do know some of your story and of the past. I understand the reasons for the divorce, but I ask you, "why"? What is the divorce going to do for you? Will it bring you closure? True closure? You have found out things about your wife's past - have you approached her about them and how you may think they relate to your marriage?<P>I guess what I am saying is that to someone who is confused and maybe not 100% lucid, you maybe sending mixed signals to her. In one breathe you want to work out your problems, you still love her - Then you file divorce papers. Being a rational person myself, that would confuse me. I think you need to decide what you really want to do - Do you want to reconcile with your wife? Or do you want to divorce? Once you answer that question, you should apply your efforts in trying to accomplish just that.<P>But for how long? I guess only you will know that - But you will truly know it. There will be no more doubts.<P>And finally, I hear it so many times that "well if we get back together, I DON'T want it to be like it was"... What a waste of thinking.. Not only will it not be like it was, it can't be, why? Because the past is gone. Both people grow, change... In situations such as all of ours, there is no way to see what the future holds. <P>For me, I choose to focus on the present task at hand - reconciling with my wife. If (when) we get back together, then I will worry about the future. It is so easy for us to try and guess what will happen - but we can't.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Tex,<P>You remember what I wrote to you, right? You will never be able to go back to the way it was, because you have changed and she has changed. The Love Bank has been too overdrawn. Don't start over at a "negative" balance. Open a new account!<P>I say start something new. For now, but the divorce and everything about it on hold. Tell her how you feel, tell her some of the stuff you need to show that she also wants to do this, talk about ENs and LBs and the Policy of Joint Agreement, and START SOMETHING NEW. <P>Neither one of you can ever change the past. You can not change her past, and because of it, she will probably have some unique, gentle needs. You also can not change the way things went in your marriage. That time is gone and you will never get it back. Know what you CAN change though? You can change HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOES FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD. Most likely, she is not ready to "be married" again right away. So, cool, date her! Be her "boyfriend" again, but this time, be armed with all the stuff you learned this year about yourself and her and relationships and how to behave. <P>I know I am advocating a big risk here, and I know that it is scary to try again, but if you are honest with yourself, you know you don't want this--you are just afraid that she does. For heaven sake, be strong and courageous and be the first one to stick your neck out. <P>Most important of all, put this in God's hands. Boy, if ever there was a time to say, "I will do what You need me to do, but it is in Your hands," this is it! You can not force her or convince her to love you again, BUT GOD CAN SOFTEN HER HEART. And if you let God love her through you, it is possible to work this out.<P>Trust me when I say, you will be in my constant thoughts and prayers this weekend. <BR>{{{{{{{{{{Tex}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Do you really want to restore this marriage?<P>Really want to do it?<P>Now, bear in mind that actions speak louder than words. What have your actions been lately? What have your words been? If your wife looks at the actions and the words, what will she see?<P>I,too, think you may be sending mixed messages. If you wnat the marriage in a new and improved form, you may need to cool your heels on the divorc. If that means you have to put the paperwork in a drawer and leave it there while you woo your wife, then that is what I suggest you do. Why is is imperative to give her the changes immediately?<P>Talk to her - without the papers anywhere in the vacinity. Tell her again that you love her, that you know there is much to heal - don't talk about her stuff talk about improving you personally and the relationship between the two of you - because you can't make her work on her stuff. You can only promise to work on your contributions to the twosome. <P>!!All you, Tex, can do is work on you!!<P>Talk to her and request that she meet with you at a counselor. And remember that the first counselor you meet with might or might not be a good match. As for referrals, you might find a place on this large site where there is information about counselors who use the Harley's principles. You might talk to a clergy member at a church, or you might know a friend who has endured marital struggles and found a good counselor.<P>But you can't fix the marriage without working on yourselves. You can't fix the car if all you have is broken parts. First you rebuild the parts, then you fix the car.<P>If you want to rebuild the marriage, tell her that and act on that goal. <P>But do it without those papers in your hands.

Good Man,<P>I too believe in the signs.<P>For me, everything is pointing to 'let him go'. With every little thing that is done, he's being passive-aggressive. His attorney won't even respond to my attorney. It's getting ugly pretty quickly.....and I don't like it one bit.<P>It sounds to me as if you've prayed on this issue for a while. If your heart is telling you not to give it up and she's not fighting you......then don't!<P>It sounds as if she needs a lot of counselling, personal as well as marrital. Help her to get the help she needs. Let your love for her show in your actions.<P>There's a paper the attorneys can file to put everything on hold. I think counselling can be requested and court-ordered too. Try it.<P>Good luck,<BR>~Amy