Dear Group Therapy,<P>I've been overwhelmed with emotions this last two weeks - all of them - rejection, abandonment, anger, sadness, love, aching sorrow, etc...<P>Stayed up until 1:30 am reading love letters stbx and I wrote to each other 16 years ago while we were apart due to a summer break in college - then I packed them in a box of stuff to go to his house. What would be the point in keeping them?<P>While D was getting something from stbx's house, I saw a note left laying on his desk - a love letter from OW - "Thank you for completing me...I'm so in love with you...blah, blah" - I almost vomited from the shock of someone blatantly loving MY husband.<P>Had D's school counselor tell me my D is feeling extreme anxiety/sadness, etc. over her father's priorities (girlfriend #1, kids #2, me #56) and his rush to involve the kids with OW like one big happy family.<P>Stbx is threatening to fight for more custody because he wants to eliminate child support - he hates the idea of "being punished" for divorcing me.<P>I keep hoping/wishing/waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare and find it was all a dream. I still love him - the "he" he used to be.<P>He goes out of his way to be cruel now and gives me no respect for being his wife of 15 1/2 years.<P>Feb 9th is the anniversary of our engagement...I think he's planning on proposing to OW on Valentine's Day - our divorce won't be final until the end of February at the earliest...at the very least they're planning to live together in my old house.<P>I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to deal with him with her - the mental images make me crazy - and deal with bringing my children to THEM. I can't even come up with banal conversation to have with him - so much has been said, so much ignored.<P>I guess this is grief or a pity party...I really need to get past it but I am scared of being alone, unloved, making the same mistake again with someone else. I'm even more afraid of continuing to love him as he scrapes the mudd off his shoes all over the memory of our marriage.<P>Bad day.<P>Lisa

(((s2ba)))<P>You need more than just the group--can D's counselor perhaps point you toward some professional help? It seems you are at a real crisis point right now. You may need someone to help firmly point the rollercoaster in the upward direction.<P>Meanwhile, keep your eyes on the prize: your kids' well-being and your self-respect. Everything he does is just insignificant anymore.

hi lisa,<P>I'm sorry the rides on it's way down right now. It'll come back up, trust me. Just hold on tight.<P>I think you should guard your heart from those memories. reading those letters certainly is going to bring you down. Same with pictures. I've sanitized my house almost completely, not because I want to forget about her, but because I had to protect myself from the pain that the memories of the wonderful times we had together caused.<P>I also think some counselling might help you manage your grief and depression. Or at the least guide you to some insight and perspective.<P>Letting go is very difficult because, for me, it represented my failure at what was the most important part of my life. But letting go also helped me start to heal and caused the pain to lose some of the acuteness. It still comes back, but it slowly (very slowly) does get better.<P>You're entitled to a little pity party. I feel the same way (unloved, alone, etc). It's all part of being dumped.<P>Take a deep breath, recognize the priority in your children and take it one step at a time. It's hard, because sometimes you feel like you're just surviving, just existing, but I think that's part of the process of learning how to survive being alone. That's the tough lesson that will make it so much better when you do run into "Mr. Right". Because you'll be with someone because you want to, not because you need to. <P>Love IS a drug.<P>{{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}}}<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Remember that the only way to deal with hurt is to allow yourself to <I>feel</I> it (which is not the same thing as wallowing in it). The more you face it, the less its power will become, because you will <I>know</I> from experience that it cannot destroy you.<P>Your husband's cruelty to you is <I>his</I> way of dealing with his guilt and pain, and while <I>you</I> seem to be paying most of the price for that now, he will not be able to escape without paying for it eventually.<BR>

Hi Lisa,<P>I'm really sorry to hear how much pain you're feeling.<P>{{{{{Lisa}}}}}<P>When my wife had her affair, and then when she again went into a deep withdrawal, I experienced a grief process very similar to that which occurred when my brother died. It seems like you're going through a similar, normal grief process. Counseling and/or anti-deps may be helpful. The key is to learn when you need to think about things and grieve, and when you're just making yourself miserable by dwelling on it too much. Maybe counseling could be helpful there.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B><BR>He goes out of his way to be cruel now and gives me no respect for being his wife of 15 1/2 years.<P>...I'm even more afraid of continuing to love him as he scrapes the mudd off his shoes all over the memory of our marriage.<P>Bad day.<P>Lisa</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The best way I have of understanding this is to quote Sisyphus on another thread at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002069-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002069-2.html</A> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Essentially, you look at all the past deposits into your love bank, and decide that the currency was counterfeit and must be deducted. So instead of a significant (but still realistic) deficit, the husband now faces total, complete and utter bankruptcy. Maybe this is fair given all his failings. But somehow it doesn't seem that way from this side of the teller window.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>The quote above was written to a wife, but similarly your stbx has lost the ability to see your history together as it really was, and no longer gives you credit for the things which were good. It's something I struggle with in trying to have hope for keeping my own marriage together. We tend to want things all black or all white...it takes a real effort to try and see things as they were, both the good and the bad.<P>I'm not sure if that helps any...mainly I'm trying to say that I'm sure there was a lot of good in your relationship, he's just incapable of seeing it as it was.<P>Hang in there,<P>Steve<BR><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited February 04, 2001).]

(((((((((soon2b_alone)))))))))))))<P>I stongly encourage counseling at this time. I also, took down all pictures of me and H. I do not go thru old letter. I made a folder and binder of all love letters he wrote and I have to dig to get to them. That way I do not read them or do anything rash like burn them-this only will hurt me. Please hang in there...<BR>Dear Lord, My friend is hurting inside. Please help her feel the comfort of your constant presence as You watch over her. Please bless her with the patience she needs to guide her through the darkness, and surround her with peace and hope and strength, until she can fell the light of Your healing and compassion breaking through the clouds to softly enfold her in Your all encompassing love.<P>

I guess this is what people here refer to as the "fog." I've heard the term quite a bit, but never was able to pinpoint the meaning exactly. I threw out all of my wedding memorabilia save a few minor pieces: an invitation, some photos, a bookmark. I also took all of his love letters and notes and put them in a box on the TOP shelf of my pantry closet where it is out of eye view. I spent way too much time wallowing in the memories during the separation. It's like the pain became addictive or expected or something. He didn't take any of that stuff with him. "Sanitize" your house, too. You're in a different house so removing old memories might be easier there. Just think: he can't escape your life together no matter how much paint, carpet, or new furniture he puts in your old house. He has to live with that.<P>I do agree with cOOker; counseling will help. I have been seeing a doctor specializing in anxiety, and I can't tell you how much difference it's made. The pain is still there, but I can cope so much easier.

{{{{Lisa}}}}<P>Big hugs and lots of good thoughts headed your way! As far as your stbx going for more custody, if he left and that is causing anxiety in the kids, it isn't likely he will get more custody, in fact he could get less.<P>I feel so bad for the kids in divorce, had a long discussion about it with the new counselor the kids and I are seeing. He used to be a divorce mediator for children and he's seen a lot of stuff happen. I have one that keeps it inside and one that rages, couldn't begin to tell you which one is better.<P>The roller coaster will go up again, seems like most people survive divorce, and most move along with their lives. Doesn't make it right, though.<P>Lori