Hi there,<P>Just got a phone call and my stbx was in a crash at his motocross race and is in the hospital with 7 broken ribs, one of which punctured his lung. My neighbors were with him, and he was the one who called me to let me know. He'll call again in the morning to let me know how H is doing and where it goes from there.<P>H will be laid up for nearly 6 weeks, and at this point, if he doesn't come home, he will be moving across the street. I'm not sure what to expect and told my neighbor to tell him that I love him and that I could be on my way there as soon as I hear teh word to go.<P>This is definitely a weird situation. When H left Wed night, I told him to have fun and be careful that I was worried about him. I had written a letter and stuck it in the motorhome, he found it as he was leaving, and joked about it. I had told him how much I loved him and missed him. I gave him a hug goodbye and he leaned over and started to kiss me, then he pulled back and said he couldn't do that. I laughed and said, "but you were going to, hahaha". <P>I think he went off knowing how much I care, and if he read the letter it tells him that and also again that I was sorry for my part in the problems within the marriage. Neighbor says he didn't call me to worry me, but here I am worrying anyway. I should be there... he's *my* H. <P>H is doing well, lot of pain, but doing ok. What a strange twist of fate, wonder if his sense of mortality will clear up his fog?<P>Lori<BR>

Lori,<P>Obviously nobody wishes harm upon a loved one, but this could be a very wierd twist of fate. God does work in mysterious ways. Just having your H know that you are there for him is a good thing.<P>I'll be hoping for the best. First and foremost though, I hope he recovers from these injuries.<P>- Jayhawk

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I could be on my way there as soon as I hear teh word to go.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why not just show up? Perhaps with some favorite food item you know the hospital dieticians will deny him.

By waiting for the word go, you wait for his decision, limbo or possibly mis-interpretable actions. What would you like to do? If you still consider yourself his wife, then you don't need his permission to go, although I understand how you feel.<P>You don't have to stay long, stay as long as you feel welcome or are able. This alos may be his way of being a little reckless, and then seeing your actions, etc.<P>If you go, you will be another step closer to knowing that you have done all you can, think positive, and if it doesn't work out, don't take it as hurt, make it a positive that you tried, and weren't the last to give up.<P>tom<P><BR>

Thanks guys!<P>H is in a hospital about 2.5 hours away, I called him this morning, talked to the nurse that admitted him to ICU. She told me what all was going on with him and then moved a phone into his room. He sounds pretty up for what happened, called me "Honey", and said I could certainly go see him if I wanted to, just was a long drive and all I could do is sit there. He'll be in the hospital for 4 to 5 days, so will probably go get him, but whether he comes home or goes elsewhere is still unknown. He said he wouldn't let the neighbors call until he was admitted and stablized, so sounds like he didn't want me to worry.<P>Not going to hold my breath, but this may be a chance to put things right.<P>Lori

Don't wait - don't think - just go be with him. As soon as possible. GO!<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Lori,<P>alot of people think there is nothing to do but sit there.<P>Use your imagination and there is plenty of stuff to talk about,<P>1) the race and the accident,<BR>2) old races and near accidents (reminiscing about the good old days.)<BR>3) what hurts, what are the doctors orders,<BR>you could sort of organize his care upon release, ask him what he wants to do, where he wants to go, after you have offered.<BR>4) start making phone calls to ask about stuff,<BR>is there any special equipment he might need,<BR>you can buy it for him.<P>etc, you get the gist.<P>also, you can spend the time with him, but chatting with nurses, and chatting with others that might stop in to see him.<P>use your imagination, but it is a tremendous opportunity to show support in a male-non icky way, without the love words, but all about love actions.<P>tom

Update...<P>I drove over to see H, he's pretty drugged up, but seemed happy to see me. Let him talk about his races, told him to not stress himself and to not talk too much. Just held his hand and let him doze in and out. talked to his doctors and the nurse, it helps that at one time I was going to be a respiratory therapist and I knew the lingo. <P>I mentioned I had to work today as rains are coming in again this weekend, but could be back Wednesday and would rent a motel to be able to take him home Thursday. He said he would keep me updated, about that time the neighbor called, he was totally astounded that I was there, then he talked to H and it gave me a bad feeling. <P>H was in a motocross accident, he's hurt, but nothing has changed. He'll go to the neighbors to recuperate and continue with the divorce. That I dropped everything I was doing to go sit with him because I care was for myself, it meant nothing to him. If the situation was reversed, he wouldn't have even had time to call, much less sit and worry about me. That I was called 12 hours after his accident seems to be more of an afterthought than any thing else. <P>I need to be strong and just walk away from it all, I keep hanging on and there's nothing left to hang on to. Thanks for the advice... I think I have done everything I could to let H know how much I care, but I need to deal with the girls now. They need me most, and with them, maybe something good for the future will happen. H made his choice by walking away from us and not working on it, that leaves the 3 of us to be a family; a complete family who needs to lose the dysfunctional traits from the past. The neighbors can have H, they've always been the most important to him, anyway.<P>Lori

I think we need to know more about these neighbors and the origin of their relationship with him. How can neigbors come between a husband and wife? What do they do for him that you weren't doing, couldn't do, or ... or ... ?

OK, the neighbors.<P>They are our age, the guy is on his 2nd marriage, kids from first none in this one. We all go motocrossing together, and H used to spend his extra time over there just hanging out all the time.<P>Our house has kids running in and out all the time, so he'd go over there and sit around. This has gone on for years, I always felt like a 5th wheel and extra baggage with these neighbors. It got better over the past year, started feeling like they were my friends, too, but then H pulled his divorce stuff and they are "his" friends again. H got the guy a job at his work, so now they carpool and all that, too. H goes out motocrossing with those neighbors, I go with the other sets of neighbors we all used to go with. H can be free and single with them, he doesn't have to worry about kids and family which is what the other sets of neighbors are all about.<P>This neighbor guy also had the same type of crash a year ago and so he tells me he knows exactly what H needs. I sometimes wonder if my H feels like a wishbone being pulled apart? I know I got the shorter end of the bone. <P>This is an opportunity for change, but I don't think it will happen. I think I did what I could, but the free and single life is just too appealing and easy, especially when the teenage daughter is so angry with H. I'm left dealing with all the issues, he can just float about and complain about the "bank" he has to pay us for his freedom.<P>He'll have lots of time to think over the next few weeks, maybe he will grow up from the self centered boy he's been. Wishful thinking, woudn't put any money on it.<P>Lori

I wish they were the kind of people you could speak frankly to. It would be nice if you can tell them: "I know you believe you are my husband's friends. But by providing him a place to avoid the pain--and also the joy--of his family life and marriage, you have allowed our estrangement to likely become permanent. You may have meant no harm, and he may have been his own worst enemy in this, but you should realize what you have cost him, his children, and me by your failure to realize you were enabling and then call a halt to it. A lot of people see <I>evil</I> as somebody off somewhere twirling his moustache and trying to figure out how to squeeze dollars out of innocents. I agree more with those who define <I>evil</I> as failing to identify what is good and do it. If you recede from my husband, I have no guarantee he won't find somewhere else to be; but at least <I>you</I> will not be the ones helping him to stay away and validating whatever he says about our marriage regardless of whether it is true or not." <P>Probably a communication you won't want to give, but I wish you could; and I wish they could understand and act appropriately on it.