I have been married for 5yrs and I have not gone a full year through that time being a faithfull wife. I have had several small affairs, but nothing serious. 2yrs ago, I fell in Love with another man. He is married also and we used to work together. My husband knows about this one affair, but not about any of the others. He still wants me to be his wife, knowing I was in love with another man. That just says so much about what a wonderful man he truely is. Just like Dr. Harley's book, " How can a marriage survive an affair" claims, I too have always been an honest person. Couldn't and wouldn't tolerate or understand how anyone could have an affair, and now look at me! I have talked to my husband several times even at the very beginning, that I was unhappy. I really didn't know why, but I felt empty. My husband is truely the most honest man and is a wonderful man. I just don't love him like a wife should love her husband. I never have. I know I have stayed where I am, because I didn't want to hurt him. We are both 30yrs old and we have no children. I feel like I have put his life on hold and mine and how unfair it would be for me to ask him to start his life all over again. I have been a very depressed person for 2yrs now, with so many mixed emotions. Trying to act happy around my family and finally being able to cry when I am alone. I just don't know if leaving is the right thing. I am scared to death. I enjoy being with my husband as a friend and I do admire him, but I just have a hard time wanting to be intimate with him. How can I continue to be married to someone I don't want to be intimate with? Can that really be something that can change if I stay? Is it possible to manufacture the chemistry of love and sexual attraction that has been missing? I believe I married for security not love and now I have to suffer with the consequences. What is the right thing to do?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Melly:<BR><B>I have been a very depressed person for 2yrs now, with so many mixed emotions.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Right now (<I>Do Not Pass Go!</I>), go straight to someone who can help with the depression. <P>Your mind is like a car. How can it take you where you want to go if it isn't working right? <P>A lot of the answers to a lot of other things will seem a lot clearer if your mental health is taken care of. That's where you should start, <I>not</I> with the feelings that your mental state has robbed you of or inappropriately manufactured about your husband.<P>

Thank you for responding so quickly. I am a little confused though. I feel like I have been so depressed, because of the hurt that I will cause my husband and his family if I leave. I feel like I am living this pretend life to keep him happy. He is wanting to start on building our house that we have already post poned once because of me. I don't know what to do. If we go ahead and build, what if my feelings never change, or if we post pone the building again, I am not sure how he would take that.

Melly,<P>I'm going to second Sisyphus on this. Get some help; the sooner the better.<P>My stbx and I are mediating over temporary orders right now..... he's blamed it all on my depression. And he's to a point now that he doesn't care if it's medically treatable or not.<P>Go to your PCP first. What you'll want to do there is to check to see if there is anything physically wrong that is causing the depression. Hormone imbalance could be the culprit, including natural steroids or tumors. You'll probably need to do some tests (blood, urine, etc.).<P>Most physically caused depression can be treated with either medication or surgery to correct the problem.<P>If you're physically clear, then go to the best psychiatrist that you can locate. Ask your Dr. to get you a good referral, check into their certifications and memberships.<P>Getting diagnosed as having a mental illness can be scary --- we're all scared of having that stigma attached to us. But depression is something that is very treatable.<P>Do not be afraid to take medication. Side effects will show up at first; sometimes they subside. Don't give up. You may have to change medication several times in order to find what works right for you. Don't give up. If you've gone through several medications and they don't seem to be working --- you may need to change Drs. Don't give up.<P>There should be something out there that can help you.<P>Also, involve your husband in this. He sees you day in and day out, at your best and at your worst. He, more than anyone else, will be able to tell you whether the medications are making a difference. <P>Also consider therapy. It too can make a difference.<P>Considering getting into marriage counselling. If your depression is causing the marital problems, then the counselling may be covered by your insurance.<P>Lastly, don't make the same mistake that I did. Be honest with your Drs. and therapists. Be brutally honest. The more they know about you, about your affairs, about how you feel about your husband, your relationships, etc. -- the more they can help you.<P>Good Luck Melly,<BR>~Amy

Is the depression the chicken, or the egg? Only your psychiatrist will even come close to ascertaining the answer to the question. <P>You at least <I>thought</I> you loved your husband enough to marry him. If it was true love, a tiny stub to your emotional toe might have progressed into gangrene that is causing you to rewrite your marital history.<P>If it wasn't true love, how will you see that clearly while you are depressed? If you do leave, do you want to be dogged by unanswered questions after you reappraise what you did and why? <P>As Strother Martin said to Paul Newman's <I>Cool Hand Luke</I>: "You've got to get your mind right."

Melly, I’m not sure if I understand where you’re coming from. You say you feel that for you to leave would be unfair to your husband, but what I’m reading between the lines is that you feel that <I>staying</I> would be unfair to you. You say your husband is a wonderful man, but you just don’t have “romantic feelings” for him? Is that what you think the problem is?<P>If that were the only problem, then I have good news for you. You asked “How can I continue to be married to someone I don't want to be intimate with? Can that really be something that can change if I stay? Is it possible to manufacture the chemistry of love and sexual attraction that has been missing?” The answer is <I><B>yes!</B></I> If you <I>choose</I> to make that your goal, then be assured that your goal is attainable. There are lots of resources available that can tell you how.<P>But getting there may be more complicated than you think, because I am pretty sure that your lack of romantic feeling is <I>not</I> your real problem.<P>I don’t <I>know</I> whether your depression is the chicken or the egg. I <I>do</I> know that If you really are depressed, your depression <I>is</I> skewing your thinking. I’ve been there. I know. Please <I>do</I> seek help for this.<P>But I’m <I>guessing</I> you’re going to have to deal with other issues before you will be able to overcome your depression, which you will probably need to overcome before you can make your marriage would it ought to be.<P>Maybe I’m misreading, but I read undercurrents of selfishness and guilt in your posts. You don’t like yourself much, do you? It’s no wonder you’re depressed.<P>If you are ever going to be happy, there are two things you’re going to have to do that seem to be in conflict. First, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and your own feelings, acknowledging that it was and is your <I>own choices</I> that got you where you are today and that will get you wherever you end up going. And second, you need to love and respect yourself. The problem, of course, is that right now you may have a hard time finding self-respect.<P>Fortunately, though, there is a straightforward solution. Decide that from here on in, you are going to stop being so self-centered. From this point forward, you are going to do right by your husband, and you are going to <I>find a way</I> to make your marriage work. It <I>can</I> be done, and by living up to your responsibilities you will finally start earning self-respect.<P>This won’t happen easily, and it won’t happen overnight. You need to strike a balance between expecting too much of yourself too soon, and expecting too little of yourself. You need guidance and support, and frankly I believe you need the healing power of God, who loves you unconditionally and is willing to forgive you despite knowing everything you have ever done. If you can know that God has forgiven you, it will be easier for you to forgive yourself.<P>Eventually, I think you will need to tell your husband about your other affairs, so that you can (hopefully) obtain <I>his</I> forgiveness also, but I’m not sure it would be a good idea to do that now. First, I think you had better be able to show that you can and have changed, that you have turned your heart toward him <I>regardless of how you feel about him</I>.<P>You <I>can</I> make it through this <I>if</I> you look your fear in the face.<BR>