<B>Background</B><P>First time posting here. Will try to be brief and to the point. <P>My wife and I have been together 10 years 4-1/2 married. She dropped the "bomb" 12 weeks ago and left for her parents. The first week I called wrote sent flowers, begged pleaded anything I could thinkof. She refused to talk at all with me. She refused marriage counseling. About all I got out of her was "I can't do this anymore", "I need some time and space". So I decided to abide by her wishes. <P>A couple of weeks later I accidentally caught W with OM at movies. They were in her car and they weren't "just talking". I confronted them. Spoke with W about what she was doing, how she was destroying our families and each emotionally, financially and spiritually. Probably the lowest point in my life. She pretty much denied what I saw. The only good thing I thought, was that she agreed to go to marriage counseling.<P>We went twice once before Christmas, once after New Years. I thought we were making some sort of progress, as W was opening up and we were communicating better than we had previously. Counselor wanted us to get together on our own, sort of like a "date" and see how we did. W agreed, but said she would feel awkward. After the second, and final session, I asked if we should schedule another and she suggested "Let's see how we do on our own".<P>A week later she calls me to set up a time to drop off paystubs and various receipts, so that I can take care of the finances. We met in a parking lot and she gave me the info and was in a hurry for me to leave. She said she'd come by that weekend to go over our finances together.<P>She showed, but seemed to only want to get detailed info on our finances and have me sign a blank withdrawl form for her 401k. I refused. She got very angry and threw stuff around the house and screamed and swore at me. She then threatened, "either sign, or I'm out of here". She then proceeded to tell me she wanted a divorce, didn't want it to be like this and didn't want to hurt me. She then left in a hurry.<P>A few days later she came to the house with a moving van and just about cleaned out our home, apparently leaving only what she didn't really want. I received a letter from her attorney a few days later.<P>Apparently she has already filed for divorce. She seems in a real big hurry. She really won't give me any real reasons. I haven't had any contact with her in over 3 weeks.<P><B>What should/can I do next?</B><P>I don't want the divorce, but I know I can't stop it. I think the OM is still in the picture. "New" divorced friends at work are most likely "supporting" her and advising her on what to do. <P>We had our share of good and bad times, but together we got through it. I have looked at myself to see what I contributed to this mess. I have changed those attitudes, behaviors and actions. She has even noticed and commented on them, said "You'll make someone very happy". Needless to say I want that someone to be her. I've treated her with kindness, respect, and acted like her friend these past 12 weeks. Just seems like I'm maybe missing something or haven't done enough.<P>Just looking for some advice, ideas and opinions. I love her very much and don't want to throw 10 years of lives out the window without even trying to work things out.<P>Tried to keep it short, but got carried away. Sorry. Thanks<P>S<BR>

Gosh, I'm so sorry that you have joined us here. Many of us have been through exactly what you are going through now. This is the right place to get support and advice.<P>This site recommends doing Plan A or Plan B to try to save your marriage. I think you can find them under the Just Found Out Forum. Unfortunately, I don't know much about these plans because I found this site too late to save my marriage. But, I have received so much support here. <P>The one thing I hear all the time is to try not to beg or plead with your spouse. It just makes them want out even more. Recently, there was a post that described what you should do right now that I will try to find for you.<P>Again, I'm sorry that you are here. I know how powerless you feel. But, you will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. <P>Jen

Here is the post I thought might help you.<P>Topic: Will help all, especially the new members <BR>rjs<BR>Member posted January 28, 2001 01:42 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>This is the 2nd time I have posted this. I notice a lot of new people having problems and thought it might help them. This is not my original work, just something sent to me in my time of crisis and it helps. It is long you may wish to print it.<BR>The standard approach to marriage counselling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalise unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unravelling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counselling, except perhaps as a pretence to lessen guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. <BR>It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb. I'll explain why in a moment. <P>Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger” . . . a competitor . . . a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe. If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage. <P>Let's look for a moment at the other half of the relationship-focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface. Long before any decision is made to "fool around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. <BR>The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects. <BR>Now we begin to see why grovelling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on. Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. <P>To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don't turn me down," etc. Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!" <P>This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. <P>Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time. If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same grovelling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: "John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realise that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead." <P><BR>Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances-her grasping hands-any more. "But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure." <P>It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious-that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance. <P>If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. <P>Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse: The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home! The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. <P>Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan-a program-a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins. <BR> <BR>

Jen,<P>Thanks for the reply. I've read a little about the Plan A & B. I've also been on the Divorce Busting board as well. I'm just getting more anxious as time goes on, and W seems to be uncommitted to our marriage and so intent on divorce.<P>I've been practicing "loving detachment" which I believe is similar to "Plan B". I know I can't control what my wife does. Just improve myself and hopefully attract her back. I'm open to any and all ideas and opinions. Especially from those who have been where I'm at now and have made through one way or the other.<P>I hope and pray it's not too late for my wife & I. I'm still committed to her and our marriage, even if she's not at the moment.<P>Again, thanks for the kind words and advice. Take care and God Bless.<P>Stuart

SN<P>I am sorry you are here. I know these times are hard. Seems like your W has moved very fast. I have had a year and some to mentally prepare..and I promise you it's never enough time. <P>All I can say, and unfortunatley you are going to go through some hards times both by yourself and with her, is take care of you. Be strong and make sure she knows that you do not want the divorce but protect yourself. She shouldn't have the right to "clean out" your home. It is your home too...I would check with your legal advisor for info on this...unless you don't mind the things she is doing. <P>You can read my posts...I am doing the work...and I don't want the divorce either...but who can be married to someone who doesn't want you? I know that I am at the point where it is really hard...but if it is ment to be it will work out.<P>take care of you<BR>

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am about 3 weeks ahead of you in the exact same situation. My STBX told me she needed space the first week of DEC and Christmas eve told me to find someone else to make me happy because she felt she could'nt and that she didnt really know if she loved me (all this is a cop-out)<P>I believe that there is another man. <P>In the beginning I did the same as you I bought flowers, wrote letters, begged etc. I now know that all this did was push her away more. (I felt emotionaly destroyed) <P>After coming to this forum and taking suggestions my emotional situtation has turned around. I am following plan B and trying to make love deposits whenever I can. Strangely I feel emotionaly stronger and I feel that she notices that strength.<P>She told me that I would make someone very happy and like you I want that person to be her. Now she just wants to be friends and even though it hurts so much I am going be as close to her as she wants. Friendship is very dangerous for her because it could re-blossom into romance at any time (maybe when the fog lifts) and I will be there. <P>Be strong lift the cage and let her go while still letting her know that you dont want to let her go but you will. And like my name HAVE HOPE because the lord works in strange ways and things could change for you.<BR> <BR>

Hi all,<BR>I was wondering if this is an alien plot to abduct human women. Did they put something in the water. I too am just waiting for the papers toget to my lawyer. My wife declared the "standard line" in October. <P>She didn't want to go to counciling...it wouldn't do any good. I thought for the longest time it was something that I did. THen I found out about boytoy. A married doctor at the hospital, who has been having an EA with my wife.<P>THere is absolutely no way, anyone that has been married would throw away their relationship without exhausting all possibilities unless there was someone else!!<P>Good luck my friend, it's amazing to me how many of us are going through the same thing.<P>Mike

Welcome <B>Stuart</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>The fact that you're starting on the D/D forum...<BR>...means your not in the best position...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It's mostly for you...<BR>...to give you time to acclamate.<P>You didn't mention any kids specifically...<BR>...but if you have some and even if you don't...<BR>You may need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I wish I was welcoming you under other circumstances. Slow the paperwork up - I thought by going along with my H regarding the paperwork and such that I was showing him I was setting him "free" and I was showing my love. THANK GOD I stopped it. I only have a glimmer of hope but there are reasons for every action. I found out by going along with H that he thought I also wanted it over and that it showed him that I really did not care for him. Angry outbursts from your spouse shows her guilt that is all. Please hang in there and read, read, read. Time tells all. Books that I would suggets are Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. If you feel like you don't have the funds for them go to the library or use that credit card. Please continue to see your counselor. Please continue to posts on all the sites if you wish and search the back grounds of all that post you back (just to cover your butt). Everyone here is a great support team but some leak thru and try to get you to give up and "set your spouse free" (don't bug or harrass your spouse but remember you are still her husband with responsibilities of a husband) My prayer are with you!!

Thanks to all for your replies and advice, they mean alot. <P><B>cpickel</B><P>You're right about never enough time to "prepare" for this. This is definitely the hardest thing I've been through. <P>I have considered filing as well, unsure still. One attorney said "She doesn't have grounds, but you do". <P>I am protecting what's left financially and what's left in our/my home.<P>Last time I saw W she did say "You never know what the future holds, or if we were meant to be". I still have hope, but am trying to be realistic.<P><B>have hope</B><P>Cop-out is right, even my attorney said that and she's a woman. I guess they're just trying to justify/rationalize their behavior. <P>I'm trying to give her the "time and space" she wanted. I'm treating her with kindness, respect and being her friend. Although she doesn't have any contact with me. It does make it a little more difficult.<P>I'm not giving up on her, myself or our marriage. I still have hope for us, but can't and will not force her into anything.<P><B>Mike</B><P>I read your posts, and saw some similarities. I'm wondering if there's been in an increase in UFO sightings, as there certainly seems to be alot of "alien" behavior with our spouses. At times I can't believe this is the same woman I knew for 10+ years and married.<P>I believe she's in a big hurry because of the OM. (she told her parents that it was over w/OM the night I found out.) ...Yeah right. <P><B>Jim</B><P>Thanks for the links. They've been helpful. Alot of info and I'm still working my way through it all.<P>Started here, as I was unsure and it seemed I might find similar stories. No kids, and I've already taken steps to protect the finances, as did she. I'm left with all the bills and none of her $$$ to help pay for everything. <P>My attorney is working on a "separation agreement" and possible $$$ contributions to our debts. I could really use it.<P>Awaiting to see what W really has up her sleeve. I may need to watch out, as she's acting completely out of character. Not much she does surprises me now.<P><B>TRS</B><P>I feel the same. I don't want this divorce to be rushed through. This is a HUGE change in her life and mine. It shouldn't be rushed into. I know I can't stop it, but would like to make sure that all avenues have been explored.<P>I think as well, if I make it easy or just go along with her, she'll see that as me not caring about her or the marriage. Maybe even justify her infidelity. <P>I have amassed quite a "library" of books since this started. "Surviving the Affair" is one, I'll make it point to look for "Torn Asunder" as well. <P>Friends and family are good support, but really can't understand what this is like. A few of them expressed that I should just "dump" her and move on. To me that's not very loving or an option. I never talk bad about her, no matter what stuff she pulls. Others may, but I let them know I don't want to hear them "badmouthing" her, as she is still my wife and I love her very much. <P>Maybe I'm crazy, but our marriage is worth fighting for.<P><BR>Thanks again to all the good people here, that have a real understanding of these terrible situations. You're support and advice are greatly needed and appreciated.<P>Take care and God Bless,<BR>Stuart