Hi, I have been married 4 years to a wonderful hubby,but We have always struggled in the bedroom realm. There is a lot of history to this story, but I will skip to the current issue and maybe come back to the rest later. He doesn't have the same sex drive as I do(strong). I would like it everyday if it were up to me, but he doesn't seem to need it as much, which I can understand with job demands and church responsibilities. We don't have any kids yet, by choice. We have almost the same schedule except for our sleep patterns. I would be happy with one quality night of good sex. Right now, we seem to be on once a week or every two weeks, but in the middle of the night. I can't stand to wake up before 7 or 8 am. He can't stay awake past 9 pm.He is up at 5:30-6:00am every morning no matter what. I usually go to bed about 11pm. I can count on my one hand how many times we have had sex in the day/when we are awake together. For sex, I either have to wake him up for sex or he wakes me up. I have done this for four years because it is better than no sex at all, but it is getting kind of old. I don't get warmed up enough sometimes when I'm bleary-eyed because he is in a hurry to get done with it and then go back to sleep. It really can be pretty satisfying if we are both awake or already aroused from some dream. Actually, it is kind of funny that the best sex we have had is when he wakes up from some nightmare. It usually is about me divorcing him or that I died. That sounds really bad, but it is true. It is very passionate then. I am not so much concerned about orgasm as my husband is. I am happy if he seemed to be cuddly and kissing me, carressing etc. If the big O comes then great. If not, that's ok too. As long as it is loving. I'm just getting tired of it at night. I would like to be awake for it to enjoy it more. He is mr spontaneous. He never believes in planning sex. But I prefer to plan it or at least expect it certain days like anniversaries.But I never know when it is going to strike. I have tried starting something in the day, but he needs to unwind from work. He isn't aroused after dealing with his boss all day. He is not into porno and never has been. I am not fearing that at all. I am an attractive gal who keeps herself in shape and I have spent a fortune in lingerie, but I don't think he has seen it because we are always in the dark. We've got a pretty good marriage. I can't complain, but I'm just wondering if any of you have any suggestions to this, or should I just count my blessings that I am having any good sex at all? Thanks for your help.Diana

Dear Diana - <p>You might want to have alook at "mars and venus in the bedroom" by John Gray. Beware - most of the book is written around men's high sex drive - so you may have to take that into account. Nevetheless- plenty of good information on how to create opportunities.<p>You mention that you both have almost the same schedule but don't sleep the same hours - is it possible for you to get up at the same time your H does, and go to sleep at the same time?<p>There is nothing wrong with planned sex - I mean it doesn't have to be planned to the minute, but you can certainly orchestrate an occasion - pick and evening to give each other a massage - it could relax your H enough to get him going before you are both asleep. Plan a carefree weekend at the beach or in the mountains...<p>You can not hide your dissatisfaction eteranlly - it will just make you more miserable. Confronting your H about it may make things worse too. There are plenty of things you could organize though that may increase the frequency without putting the pressure on him, and that may him want it more!<p>Hope this helps - Janet

Diana DQ,<p> Not a lot to offer, but you mentioned that after a day at work dealing with his boss, your H isn't too aroused. May I suggest (since you have the killer lingerie, and want him to see it) that you get some "Glamour Photography" pictures made of yourself. <p>We men are hopelessly visual critters, and if you drop a shot of you in a teddy or high heels and garters into his lunch bag, he'd probably be aroused for the rest of the day and be primed for you when he got home. (I don't know about him, but I'd leave work early!)<p>Another suggestion after reading your post again: GO TO BED EARLIER! (What are you doin' between 9 and 11 now anyway - old movies on TV?) Unless your jobs are keeping you on different timetables, you can alter yours a bit so that you could cuddle at 9:00pm, and give him a wake-up call to remember at 5:00am. After he gets up, you could still catch a few winks or enjoy the afterglow.<p>Val

One word - expresso<br>Oh, and possibly a tic-tac afterwards<p>[This message has been edited by czechy (edited 01-21-99).]

As a man with heavy work responsibilities, I can tell you that it becomes just one more obligation if I know my wife expects sex when I get home, regardless of how the day or week was going.<p>Career or job pressures have a lot to do with sex drive.

Here is a good suggestion. When he gets ready for bed casually go in the bedroom and change into somthing more comfortable. Us husbands love to watch our wifes change. Just be casual about it.

Diana: THis is for you..<br>Would love to chat further.....<br>Sounds like you & I are in the same "boat" (((SCREAM))

Hey, joyross.I thought I was alone on this. We will have to chat through this forum because my h reads my email sometimes by accident. Anyway,thank you to those who have given suggestions. I have thought about each of them-even the cappuchino one-seeing if any will improve the situation. I hate to sound like I am giving excuses.Some of these things I have tried in the past when we were first married. We used to got to bed at the same time, but it never guaranteed any sex. After getting tired of going to bed at 9 with all the lingerie and getting turned down,I backed off. He definately feels a great deal of pressure from his job and church right now.He is a very hard worker and I appreciate that in him. He does not want to be bothered when he gets home.He is on that computer updating his books,then reads the mail, pays the bills, and we take turns cooking dinner,which he is very good at.After cleaning up, he takes a shower.And no,he does not like me coming in with him.I have tried that one. He wants to be alone. After shower, he heads for the couch. He is awake for about an hour unless there is something good on the tv. He is usually asleep by 8 on the couch.Then sometime during the night he sleepwalks to the bed.He is snoring again before he hits the pillow.There isn't a chance for me to intervene at that point. The whole point of this complaint is that I want us both to be awake to enjoy it. The frequency I can live with. I am getting tired of waking him up and then doing all the work to arouse myself and then him and then having sex with someone just laying there half asleep. It is the reverse with me. I hate getting up before 7.He is usually waking me up at 5.He goes straight for you-know-where before I'm even aware of it.Sometimes I'm ready when he is and sometimes I am not getting anything out of it because I'm still in dream land, my body is not ready and he is in such a hurry. I wish he would wait until I was awake. He is extremely sensative about his performance.He really is wonderful when he wants to be and we are both awake to enjoy it. But he gets upset if I say anything remotely negative about our sex life.So I stopped talking about it because I don't want to make him feel bad. We have a good communication going in all other areas. I guess every man is ego sensitive. He does have some baggage from his past that haunts him. He abused a lot of girls in highschool and he feels that God is still punishing him for it. He also was fed that "sex is evil and dirty"mentality and can't accept that sex is good and holy. As far as I know, he doesn't have any physical problems except low sperm count.He does like massages so I do give them at times.He doesn't give them back though. I can't do the glamour shot because it would get into the wrong hands.I would die. I did an erotic video for my h for valentine's day last year. It took hours to mount the camera and splice the tape. He loved the tape and it got the results I wanted, but he erased it right away so no one else would see it.I did a phone sex commercial, by the way. Lots of fun.I got the idea when he and I laughed at the cheesy commercials on late night tv. I don't know,Joyross.We just might have to take what we can get whenever he decides to give it.

Hey there DQ:<br>You know, what do you say to someone whose "needs" are not being met?. I'm glad that you're able to "release" some of the tension personally but, like you said , "that does not meet emotional needs".. I too will not stray. I have a WONDERFUL husband & when I read some of these postings from other women, I receive confirmation daily that I'm a very fortunate woman as he is a fortunate man. I guess I'm saying that I'm here to chat with you but I, too, will hold my ground.. All the best!