Well, we've given six years of our lives to development work in E. Europe. My H has decided that our marriage of 9yrs and 3 boys is over and he has no hope for reconciliation. He says that I've "trashed" him emotionally and psychologically with the decisions I've made and love-busting behavior... Okay, so I've read the book "Surviving an Affair" after my H has been involved three times with women at a level I felt was inappropriate and threatening. He denies the relevance and claims they're just friends. The "critical incident" of deciding it was over happened the night the 3rd OW left the country and his 2nd OW (secretary) left the country shortly before... he decided we needed to separate. My behavior was not great... angry - being protective of my marriage and myself from him having an emotional affair... it pushed him away to the point of no return. We ended our term overseas on this bad note and are floundering in the US trying to figure out what to do... He doesn't have a job yet, I'm still employed part-time as a consultant. We have three children (ages 3,5,7) and currently staying at my parents. So, the dilemma... he's terribly committed to the kids but is so angry at me and sees no hope and repeatedly tells me this. He's here with my parents (only to be with the kids) but just got back from a job-searching trip out East. I still have hope and am in counseling to work on me (he refuses cslg). Being in my parents home is raising all kinds of family-of-origin issues for me and thankfully I'm able to disconnect (sometimes) to see the negative influence it's had on me and my choices in life. My question... do I follow him to where he gets a job - likely on the East Coast when he's blatantly obvious that he wants to leave me. We believe we both need to have equal access to the kids for their well-being but I feel so very vulnerable going out there (with no support) when he's clear that I'm no longer within his sphere of responsibility or care anymore. He is in a fog but I'm also in a fog of reconciliation hope. What's the reality out there? Shall I be concerned at all with protecting myself OR do I turn the other cheek and bless those (him and his siblings who despise me) who persecute... eventhough I'm accused of being the perpetrator. I still believe that hope floats... is there any reality to that? What is your advice to me, a sincerely repentent spouse who is caught in what my H calls natural consequences to my behavior...I'm being punished. Is there any room for tough love on my part or no? I sometimes feel I'm being manipulated emotionally... because I'm the one who's sorry... penny for your thoughts? (and we haven't even begun to deal with re-entry culture shock... moved back in December, 2000)

Welcome <B>name</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>...it is geared toward those in situations of infidelity though...<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're still together...<BR>...that's good!<P>If you really want to save your marriage...<BR>...start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You've read about in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Now... you've got to live it!<P>As a Faithful Spouse(FS) {I prefer that to the "BS" many use}...<BR>...yes... it is almost always put on us to rebuild...<P>Put the focus on you... learning the good marital skills of Plan A!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>