Please read "My Story" and see if you do not agree that my H is carrying on an inappropriate relationship at work (p.s. I forgot to mention in "My Story" that my H and OW were called into the office for having an inappropriate relationship and told that it better stop). I know he is cheating on me and he is treating me very poorly -- verbal abuse and on rare occasions, he even hits me. <P>I want him to leave me, I cannot take this anymore, but when I kick him out, he swears he is not and has not cheated on me and accuses me of cheating with one of our neighbors -- this is the last straw for me, first he cheats on me now he is accusing me of doing what he is doing??? When H is out of the house he calls at all hours of the day and night, shows up at the house before work to argue. He even called my mom at 6 a.m. to **tell on me** for treating him this way. I just want him to be honest and leave and leave me alone. His grandfather threatened to take away our daughters savings bonds if I didn't let him come back home, this is total bull**** -- how can a grown man expect me to take all of this **** lying down??? (By the way, I called the bank, and the old coot cannot take her savings bonds away since they are all in her name. I hate threats -- what kind of loser threatens a woman that she has to put up with a cheating H or her daughter will be hurt??? I told my H that our daughter will not even need those savings bonds if I can get a job at a college.<P>I am a stay at home mom who has no one to talk to and I am trying to find a good job so that when he finally chooses to leave me I can take care of myself and my duaghter.<P>Help I am in great need of emotional support right now.<P>Long Suffering

Hi LS -<P>I'm sorry you have to be in this nightmare!! There are a lot of wonderful people here who will help you through it as best they can. We all know the pain you are in and it helps tremendously to share your thoughts and receive the thoughts of others.<P>Sounds like the H needs counseling BIG TIME!! (and so does the old coot!!!)<P>How long has this been going on with the abuse - the verbal can be par for the course of infideltiy but the physical is absolutely intolerable.<P>How many times have you kicked him out and let him back?<P>There's a lot to think about and we can help you with a plan if you want.<P>As far as the emotional support, rest assurred that you will have that here.<P>Have you read Dr. Harley's info? If not, then do so - it will help ou understand so much of what H is experiencing. Like I said before, though, with the hitting there is far more to it and that must be addressed!!!<P>Hugs and We're here for you,<P>Sheba

Long Suffering --<P>I'm probably not the best person to be giving you emotional support right now, since I'm a betrayer, but I just wanted to let you know that you have come to the right place. There are tons of very supporting people here!<P>As far as your husband goes, I like to give betrayers the benefit of the doubt usually, and I know there are always two sides to the story... BUT, judging from what you said in your profile and your posting, this guy really sounds like a LOSER. In your profile, it sounded like you were pretty sure but not 100% sure that he was having an affair. I would definitely say that you are right on the money. He is having an affair. There's no reason to be doing the things he is doing unless he's having an inappropriate relationship with someone else.<P>Also, it is inexcusable how you've been treated in this whole thing. Not just by him, but by the other family members. There is no need to be bullied by anyone. You're right, it is bullsh*t. Hang in there. You sound like a very strong person!<P>--andy

Okay, i keep telling myself that I will not say what anyone SHOULD do. But after you say he is PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE is where I lose it. GET OUT, RUN as fast as you can. I grew up with the women in my family dealing with Abusive men and it is the worse things for children to have to be put through. This man needs some serious psyciatric help. Get a restraining order, changer your phone number so none of his idiot family members contact you and take care of you and your daughter!

Long Suffering,<P>Sorry for what you are going through. It definately sounds like an affair, and even if it is not sexual yet (which I would question because of his actions), he is still very DEFINATELY involved in an inappropriate relationship for a married man to have.<P>If he is hitting you T24G is right, get out of there. NO ONE deserves to be hit, and if you have a daughter, that's even more reason to get away from him. Your physical safety is most important!<P>Also, just wanted to comment to you about your post to Maya on another thread. I can see with what she wrote, and you being new to the forum, why you took it the way you did. However, if you read a bit more about her, you will see that she quit her affair, rebuilt her marriage, and admits that what she did was VERY wrong. I don't think that she is proud of what she did, she is just honest about it in order to try and help others.<P>Take care of yourself and daughter and keep posting here. Have you and H tried any counseling, or is he not willing?<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

LS,<BR>When I read the first paragraph of your thread, I felt like I was reading my own story.... all but the physical abuse. <P>I have to say this..... Please PLEASE leave. Physical abuse is a terraible thing. Contact a lawyer or a family counseling center for help. They will tell you what your options are, and help you to get out of this situation. Please, before he does more than just hit you.... and before he hits your daughter. <P>Once you are away from him, then you can begin todeal with the infidelity. We are here for you. You can e-mail me if you wish..... labutterfly68@hotmail.com. <P>Right now, the most important thing is your and your daughter's safety.<P>My thoughts & lots of prayers are with you,<BR>Butterfly<BR><P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

If you are at all afraid, get out. there must be somewhere you can go.<BR>don't let him tell you you are crazy, it is a common line, and i know a lot of us have heard it. you are not crazy at all.<BR>i know it is hard, but you need to look after yourself and get a job. dont trust him for anything, right now (im a stay at home mom too, so i know the insecurity).<BR>im so sorry you are going through this.<BR>you can get a lot of support on this board (and may get addicted, so watch out).<BR>take care of yourself and your daughter, okay? that is the most important thing right now.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Long Suffering: I agree with Trying 2-4Give, as I too experienced a very abusive childhood. Believe me when I tell you from experience, that it begins with the wife, and continues down to the children. It is time to get out...NOW!! I commend you for having the courage to admit your situation, and to not make excuses for that worthless piece of sh**, His cheating is not your biggest problem....the hitting is!! Your daughter's bonds will do her no good, when she has to use them for the therapy she will be needing. Geez. Makes me want to crawl under the bed, where I spent the first ten years of my life hiding. Best of Luck.<P>Sucess Story (why me)<BR>Sandy<P><p>[This message has been edited by why me (edited September 01, 1999).]

My H inappropriate relationship has been going on since Dec. 1998, but I did not find out anything until I found the email in May '99 and since then it has been snowballing. I have no actual proof of a sexual affair, but even if I had pictures of them "doing it" my H would still deny it. I have heard of people getting caught in the act and trying to convince the spouse that he/she hallucinated. A liar is a liar is a liar. <P>I have only been hit three times in the last 3 1/2 years. Once when our daughter was a tiny baby he slapped me on the back, once again he slapped me about a year later and then about 3 weeks ago he slugged me in the arm because he was driving the car and turning a corner while looking in the mirror on his sun-visor and was headed straight for a car. I pushed the sun-visor up and yelled for him to look out, and he slugged me as hard as he could because the sun-visor knocked his hat off his head (very sensitive about going bald). He still hasn't thanked me for saving his life, my life and our daughters life. In the past 9 months he has also threatened to drive into oncoming traffic and kill us all, then one time when we were on our way to pick up our daughter from Sunday school he treatened to drive into a tree and even drove off the road into someone's yard straight at a huge tree. I went on a domestic violence site and they say that most physical abuse starts with verbal abuse, and threats to drive into trees etc. are actually physical violence, I know when he did it I was quesy and sick for the rest of the day. If I went to the police I think they would just laugh at me, but do I have to wait until I'm beat to a bloody pulp? My H is a corrections officer and he is afraid he will lose his job. I told him last night that if he ever hits me again, even if it's just one hard slug in the arm, I will go to the police and get a lawyer and divorce him, and I won't worry about him losing his job. This is how sick he is, he accused me of being selfish, I told him I won't be hit, if that's selfish so be it.<P>I've kicked him out over this affair twice and I did not allow him to come back home, he just shows up every night after work and stays here and acts like nothing is wrong. He really has that "Act as if..." thing down pat. Right now he doesn't even have keys to the house. He doesn't like it here anyway, this is my home, I love it here, he still calls his mommy and daddy's house home after 5 years. His OW still lives with her H, who she complains about constantly and has some German guy she is seeing and an old boyfriend in another state she still calls, why my H want anything to do with her is beyond me, but I feel is it wasn't her it would be someone else which just makes her a nothing nobody. I think if she left her H, my H would leave me in a heartbeat. <P>At this point I have tried everything I can think of and then some, I have bought books, went on marriage sites, watched t.v. shows, everything I can to get ideas to improve this relationship. My H has done nothing but cheat, lie, hurt me verbally and physically and expects me to take it because I'm a stay at home mom. I am sending out resumes trying to find a good job so I can take care of me and my daughter. I sure can't depend on my H for anything.<P>I called the OW on the phone, trying to talk to her H but I got her and she said "What are you going to do get a job so you can pay your mortgage?" I said, "Yeah, I'll be taken care of, I've always taken care of myself".<P><BR>Right now I'm just so emotionally and physically drained that I believe me and my daughter would be better off without him in our lives.<P>Long Suffering<BR>

((((Big Hugs))) That man you married sounds like the proverbial 300lb. gorilla. <P>It's an old joke: Where does a 300lb gorilla sleep? Anywhere he wants to.<P>I totally agree with your side of the why do people cheat discussion - nothing would make me cheat - it's called character. Betrayers should try it sometime. It's common for betrayers to blame someone else for their poor behavior - no use arguing it with them. It's another example of their character, or subsequent lack thereof. Being told we have a part of it is another slap in the face we don't deserve. My H's EA began years before I met him. I had no part in it beginning or continuing - but I had a huge part in it ending. <P>Time to get on the phone to the domestic abuse hotline LS. They can help you with restraining orders and other legal stuff you need. I'm glad you have the self-esteem and confidence to know you can take care of yourself- that's something every woman should have.

Long Suffering:<P>Based on what you've posted, it sounds like you're ready for Plan B. You need a separation, probably with a restraining order in place. As KarmaGrrl says, there are public agencies that can help you put that into place.<P>I'd work on a plan B letter to him stating that you'd be willing to work on the marriage, but there are some conditions that you would like met. Those conditions should include an end of the affair, marriage counseling, anger management counseling. And all that would have to be well in place before I'd let him move back.<P>You might also want to consider moving in with friends or family (perhaps in another state) if you can't make the local separation work.

Karmgirl,<P>Thanks for your input, the gorilla joke made me laugh which is something I don't do much lately.<P>K, <P>The conditions you stated for a Plan B letter sound right on target. Is there an example of a plan B letter on this site?<P>BTW, moving out of state has been something I have thought about. I would have to sell my house, which is home to me more so than any other place I have ever lived, but our safety is more important. I have thought about the things I will need to take and have all of my important papers in a special place so I can grab them and go if it comes to that.<P>Long Suffering

Long Suffering:<P>There's an example of a "Plan B" letter in the book "Surviving an Affair". I've written one to my wife (one of the most difficult things I've had to do), and I'll give you a synopsys of what mine said.<P>Start out stating your love for the other partner. Your belief in them and a willingness to work on the marriage.<P>Then highlight that you've done your best to change YOUR behaviors that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage (this is the "Plan A" effort). State that the changes that you've made are real, and that they will be permanent, and that they're for the benefit of the spouse and marriage.<P>But then state that your love is slipping away. The current state of the marriage is taking a toll on your love for your spouse (my situation was my wife's affair). In order to preserve that love, you want to separate from them and not have any contact. Let them know that you're willing to start working on the marriage, but that can't happen while the affair is ongoing (you don't need to mention anger management here---save it for if he comes back). Reaffirm that you love him and that you hold a great hope in your heart for the future of your marriage with him.<P>That's the basic idea...<P>Make sure that there are no demands, disrespectful judgements, or anger in the letter. It must be firm, loving, and very clear, a "love must be tough" type of letter.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited September 03, 1999).]