Last night my husband told me he wanted a separation. We have only been married for 2 1/2 years and have been having problems for some time now but I never thought that he would just give up. He says that it is not the end of our marriage and that he still loves me but he is not willing to stay, he says we have to work things out apart and the only way to work things out is for one of us to change and it won't be him. <P><BR>My H comes from a very dysfunctioanl family and his parents are going through a divorce and for one of the same reasons my H has left me...because I will not accept his "church". They have breeched my confidence and humiliated me. They have preached horrible things to my husband. They tell hium that I should submit to him and do not take into consideration women's feelings, opinions, dreams, etc. They also advocate child abuse which I think is really horrible. I have been working for some time now trying to take this church under...now they have ruined my marriage and taken my daughter's father away. I cannot and will not make those people "my people" as H says I need to in order for this to work. When I told him that he is choosing the church over us he adamantly denied it...?<P>My H other problem is that I don't give him sex...he says it is my "duty". I am a woman and when I have issues I jsut cannot do this plus my hormones have been messed up since I gave birth to our daughter and I have no drive. He spends almost no time with me and our daughter and acts hateful and cold often. I get no help or cooperation from him when it comes to chores or taking care of our daughter. How can I have sex with someone who has not treated me like a human being?<P>H says I don't pay attention to him, I only pay attention to our daughter and the housework. I have OCD so I clean to help ease anxiety, it is something I was getting help for until he decide to stop paying for copayments for my psychologist and for my medication. I admit I spend a lot of time with our daughter and I pay a lot of attention to her. I gave a child up for adoption almost three years ago ( I was raped) and I think I tend to overcompensate with the daughter I have. H says that this is just an excuse and does not understand at all, this really hurts me. No one can know what unbearable pain it is to give your child away so that they can have a better life. He makes me feel guilty for giving her up and does not believe me about being raped. This really tears me up. His church and his father told him I was lying about the rape because I did not report it and also told him when I was pregnant with his child that it probably isn't his. <P>H is quite young... 21 in two weeks. I am 24.<BR>He is consatantly choosing his father and his friends over me and his daughter. I have always been here for him, I have never given up on him and now he has given up on us. I do not understand.<P>I am devastated and heart broken over this for several reasons. I would never leave him, I would continue to try, not just give up. I love him dearly. I want to grow old with him. I am also devastated because I am a stay at home mom, it has been my dream since childhood. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother...stay at home. My daughter and I have a very wonderful bond and she has never ever been babysat or put in daycare, she has not been away from me, well a few times my parents watched her so H and I could talk or do something together without her. My daughter is very attached to me and now I am going to have to get a job to take care of her and myself. I think it is unfair. He promised when we married that he would take care of the finances so I could take care of the home...its what he wanted and what I dreamed of. Now he is taking that away from me and away from our daughter. I feel that my daughter is really being cheated. What can I do? <P>Does anyone have any advice to help me heal my marriage? I told him that I would pay more attention to him but he says that I will have to do this living apart.<P>I am so depressed. I was recovering from anorexia doing well with eating and now I can feel my self slipping back into my safe haven of anorexia. I cannot afford counseling and he still won't pay for it. I am afraid that this separation will kill me.

Bless your heart!! You are in a terrible situation right now. And, I feel that you really need to get some professional help. There should be some free services available in your area. Please try to find out.<P>The church your husband is attending does not sound like a good place for you at all. And, I agree that you must feel loved in order to have a good sexual relationship. These are big issues in a marriage but they can be worked out if you both are willing to work on it. Unfortunately, sometimes only one person is willing. If he won't go, I strongly suggest that you go. Do you have any family that can help you out?<P>Jennifer

Brokenwings,<P>Welcome to Marriagebuilders...<P>There is a general welcome in the "Just Found Out ForuM"<P>It will tell you everthing you need to get started.<P>I sauggest getting two books right away. They are <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank> Needs, Her Needs"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<BR> These books are great for helping figure out what to do.<P>Also check out the following links<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A><P>Keep posting and asking questions.<P>Bill<BR>

brokenwings,<P>I have to agree with the last 711 and William J. And again encourage you to read and study His Needs / Her Needs.<P>As I read your post, I can feel the hurt you have right now and from what you wrote, I can see that your H is in pain too. From where I stand, I see two people who love one another but are both not having their needs met. Both your and your H's takers are controling the marriage. Look deep inside yourself for your GIVER. Once you find her, you can begin meeting your H's needs. It's called Plan A. That is where you do all you can to meet his needs and erase Love Busters from your behaviors. There are no guarantees that this will change his behavior, but you will know in your heart that you gave 100%.<P>I encourage you to check with some of the larger churches in your area to see if any have counseling services available either free or at a reduced cost. Also, check with the Christian counseling centers and ask the same. I am suggesting these resources, because you will want a place that your H will trust and may attend with you.<P>The folks here will offer support and insight for you. Trying to save your marriage is not an easy road, but a road well worth traveling.<P>Hang in There!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by brokenwings:<BR><B>Last night my husband told me he wanted a separation. We have only been married for 2 1/2 years and have been having problems for some time now but I never thought that he would just give up. He says that it is not the end of our marriage and that he still loves me but he is not willing to stay, he says we have to work things out apart and the only way to work things out is for one of us to change and it won't be him.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A separation is <I>not</I> necessarily the end of a marriage, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband has “given up.” He may be right that you need to work things out apart. He is probably wrong that he doesn’t need to change, but he <I>may</I> merely have meant that he wasn’t going to do <I>all</I> the changing. He <I>may</I> be willing to meet you in the middle if you demonstrate a similar willingness. All I’m saying is, don’t give up hope, and don’t see the separation as the end of the world. It’s a good sign that he asked for a separation rather than a divorce.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He makes me feel guilty for giving her up and does not believe me about being raped. This really tears me up. His church and his father told him I was lying about the rape because I did not report it and also told him when I was pregnant with his child that it probably isn't his.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I find this extremely troubling. For anyone to make such allegations is cruel, ignorant, and inexcusable. However, I don’t know how the “church” could have said this. Rather, one or more individuals <I>in</I> the church must have said something, and they should be confronted about their un-Christian behavior. Even if it was the pastor; and if not, <I>he</I> should be enlisted to do something to stop this kind of cruel rumor-mongering. I would raise a stink about this, myself, and unless your husband has hard evidence against you, he ought to be first in line to defend you (even to his own father).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My H comes from a very dysfunctioanl family and his parents are going through a divorce and for one of the same reasons my H has left me...because I will not accept his "church". They have breeched my confidence and humiliated me. They have preached horrible things to my husband. They tell hium that I should submit to him and do not take into consideration women's feelings, opinions, dreams, etc. They also advocate child abuse which I think is really horrible.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I grew up in a church which taught that women should submit to their husbands, and which advocated “child abuse”. That’s assuming that “child abuse” merely means corporal punishment. And the church <I>also</I> taught that, while men were the “head of the home”, they should submit to the needs of their wives, and <I>should</I> consider their “feelings, opinions, dreams, etc.” Given this background, therefore, I cannot determine how much of what you say about your husband’s church is accurate, and how much is a misunderstanding or a distortion. Further, if some of it <I>is</I> a misunderstanding or distortion, I cannot tell how much of it is your husband’s or how much of it is your own. I wonder what would happen if you went to your husband’s pastor and asked for clarification on these matters. You just <I>might</I> find that you get a more sympathetic ear than you would expect.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I have been working for some time now trying to take this church under...now they have ruined my marriage and taken my daughter's father away. I cannot and will not make those people "my people" as H says I need to in order for this to work. When I told him that he is choosing the church over us he adamantly denied it...?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If your husband denies choosing his church over his family, then I think you need to explore this idea with your husband further. There may be some room for flexibility here.<P>Your husband has a point in that a church can provide an excellent support system, and crucial accountability. You should <I>want</I> to take advantage of these features. If, however, your husband’s church is actually working to tear apart your family as you say, then it is the wrong church for both you <I>and</I> your husband. <I>Maybe</I> your husband could see that <I>if</I> you can make a strong case for that. You obviously have some very major concerns. Perhaps you could lay them all out to your husband with the suggestion that you go talk to the pastor together about the negative experiences and impressions you have had, and if he cannot provide adequate assurances, you should find a church without so much baggage attached. I can’t be certain without knowing any more than you have said, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the problems in your husband’s church are not so much theological as dysfunctional.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My H other problem is that I don't give him sex...he says it is my "duty". I am a woman and when I have issues I jsut cannot do this plus my hormones have been messed up since I gave birth to our daughter and I have no drive. He spends almost no time with me and our daughter and acts hateful and cold often. I get no help or cooperation from him when it comes to chores or taking care of our daughter. How can I have sex with someone who has not treated me like a human being?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sex <I>is</I> generally considered to be a reasonable expectation in marriage. But your question of “How can I have sex with someone who has not treated me like a human being?” is very legitimate. Your husband has a duty to treat you kindly and as a human being. If he thinks he has a right to demand sex at will, or if he thinks that he has no responsibility to properly “set the stage”, then he’s not only a boor, but he’s also shortchanging both of you. On the other hand, if <I>you</I> refuse your husband’s advances any time you’re not already “in the mood”, then you’re not being fair to him either. (He should get the opportunity to try to <I>get</I> you in the mood – which just might involve, say, helping with the chores or taking care of his daughter.) The principles on this website are all relevant to this kind of problem. It’s all about mutual respect.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>H says I don't pay attention to him, I only pay attention to our daughter and the housework. I have OCD so I clean to help ease anxiety, it is something I was getting help for until he decide to stop paying for copayments for my psychologist and for my medication.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What reason did your husband give for stopping your medical treatment? On the surface, this is pretty troubling, and counter-productive.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I admit I spend a lot of time with our daughter and I pay a lot of attention to her. I gave a child up for adoption almost three years ago ( I was raped) and I think I tend to overcompensate with the daughter I have. H says that this is just an excuse and does not understand at all, this really hurts me. No one can know what unbearable pain it is to give your child away so that they can have a better life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One would certainly hope that your husband could show more sensitivity toward your pain, but if you really <I>are</I> “using” your daughter somehow to compensate for your loss, the damage to your daughter may be more significant than the damage to your marriage. I’m not <I>accusing</I> you of anything, mind you; and you didn’t say how old your daughter is, so I’m probably jumping the gun; but you need to make sure that you are allowing your daughter the opportunity to develop properly. <I>Too</I> much attachment is harmful.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Does anyone have any advice to help me heal my marriage? I told him that I would pay more attention to him but he says that I will have to do this living apart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My advice is, don’t fight the separation. Ask him to work out a plan, or better, ask to work one out together. You say your husband promised to take care of the finances, so try to hold him to that promise. Just because you’re living apart doesn’t necessarily mean you should be expected to support yourself financially. You should work out a plan for both finances <I>and</I> marital reconciliation. Be as specific about everything as possible. Use the resources on this site, and try to find a good counselor you can both trust.<BR>