Hi guys, <P> I haven't visited for months, so this may be long, but I know you'll help.<P>When I first visited, my H had told me that he was leaving me for an ex. We went back and forth for about 2 weeks one day he was staying, the next he was leaving. Finally on June 6th, he left.<P>I immediately asked for a divorce. He took the PC and I visited this site a couple of times at a friends, then stopped coming. I started dating immediately, mostly trying to get my mind off things. After about 3 months, I decided that all the dating was ridiculous, I stopped trying to meet men. In October, I started dating the man I'm still seeing and thought things were great, I didn't mean to start dating him, but things just worked out that way, it was actually a relationship, not just a date that I pushed myself into. I did still keep my distance because I don't want to be hurt again. I know that I want to be married again someday, but the more I get to know this man, the less I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have recently decided that the relationship can't continue, it isn't going anywhere. <P>I'm sorry this is so long, I have several issues here. <P>My ex just moved back to the area in Jan. ever since then, I can't get my mind off him. I see him and the OW regularly, as we exchange the children two or three times a month. I wonder all the time what she has that I don't. I think about what it would be like if they broke up and he wanted to come back, I dreamed last night that he broke it off with her for me on their wedding day. I realized that over the past several months, I hid behind another relationship to avoid the fact that I haven't gotten over him. <P>Since he moved back, I have become depressed and have been withdrawing, I went to the doc and got an antidepressant that seems to be helping some, but I have to get over this, How?<P>In the midst of this, is one more problem. <P>In Oct just after I started dating the current man, I met another man who I was very impressed with. He loves kids and was at the house helping me move furniture,(friend of mom and dad). There were several people there, but he stood out because he helped actually organize and put stuff away, not just move it into the room and leave. He played with my boys and opened doors for me and treated me like a person, most of the other people there, just did what they had to do and left. Beyond this, he is the same religion as me, this hasn't been a major problem with my BF, but has bothered me, as well as the fact that BF doesn't seem to care much about my kids. He's nice to them, but it wouldn't bother him if they weren't there.<P>Anyway, the divorce was final in Nov. This guy, who sees mom and dad at church every week actually asked how I was doing. He remembered that I was divorcing.(Ihaven't been to church for months because of work schedules and the fact that it is an hour away and starts early and with 2 small children that can be hard.) I regret not going to church as much and am planning to make more effort starting next sunday. Anyway, I had totally forgotten about this new guy until two days ago. We had a terrible blizzard and were stuck at home, he actually drove an hour in this weather to check on us. I don't know why, but again noticed how much he played with the boys and seemed to really enjoy it. He told me that he used to teach preschool and loves kids. I started thinking that I should get to know this guy more and get rid of the BF that doesn't care about the family that comes with me. <P>I know that sounds mean to the BF, but it just really isn't working out and my kids mean too much to me to stay with him. The problem I have is that I'm afraid that the desire to know more about this guy is more hiding from the fact that I'm not over the exH. <P>My questions are: Do I make the effort to find out about this guy, or should I leave it alone? How do I stop obsessing about exH, who I know was not the best I could do for myself, but I loved anyway? AND, How do I break the relationship with the BF who I am not happy with and don't think I ever could be? Please help, I got a lot of comfort from this site in the past and know that you can help me now too.<P><BR>MIH

Hi MIH,<P>I wish you would have stayed with this site earlier last year...<P>You could have...<BR>1. Learned more about Plan A<BR>2. Given yourself time to acclamate to the divorce<BR>3. Learn what real relationship building is all about<P>...a few more details...<BR>(1)<BR>You should still learn more about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...which is relaly just the first <B>2</B> rules of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>You could have been practicing these skills...<BR>...with your xH...<BR>...even long distance...<P>...and...<BR><B>it's never too late</B> with any of your relationships.<P>(2)<BR>You never really did <B>all</B> you could to save your marriage....<BR>...so you're still wondering what could have been. Dr. Harley even says... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...now it seems a bit too late to but in an efort... you've been divorce for almost 4 months... right.<P>You could approach you xH on this...<BR>...but without having shown him much if any of a Plan A... there is little for him to believe in.<P>(3)<BR>This is something you are never too late for...<BR>...patience in you new relationships is of the utmost importance.<BR>And of course... getting into a Plan A mode... is the way to go!<P>-----------------------------------------<P>Be honest with your current BF...<BR>...break it off lovingly...<BR>... you know this relationship was just a rebound... he probably knows it too.<P>As far as the "distant" friend...<BR>...move <B>very</B> slowly here too...<P>Get comfortable with Plan A-ing first...<BR>Get comfortable with being honest...<P>Be honest with yourself too...<BR>Make sure this relationship isn't to satisfy your guilt of a weak father figure....<P>The relationship should focus on you and the BF...<BR>...not the BF and how he relates to your kids!<P>You have my prayers...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Dear MIH,<P>Be easy on and with yourself. Be gentle. These are not easy emotions that you are juggling. If I were the BF, as much as it might hurt, I would want you to be honest and gently break it off. <P>Although escaping into another relationship isn't the best of ways to handle the emotions many of us take this course of action. I am about to go through my second divorce and the one thing that I have done right this time is that I tried everything that I could to try and make this work. I can't do it alone though so it is time to move on. This time I am moving on with a relationship that means more to me than anything. That relationship is with the God of my understanding. It has brought me to a point of forgiveness for her infedelity and has brought me to forgive myself as well. I too am not quite over the feelings but I am happier than I have ever been and I am not rushing into another relationship. My point? My point is that I really needed to work on myself through therapy, prayer, and friends. Those three have led me to a point of faith that I have never experienced before. <P>Be gentle with yourself and work on forgiving yourself for whatever has happened. It isn't only your fault. It takes two. Pray, hope, and don't worry. <P>You're in my prayers.<BR>twr62

trw62<BR>Did you ever have the chance to reconcile With your first Divorce?

Relax. Don't ask yourself so many questions. Just one at a time. Focus on your feelings for your ex. Come to terms with that first. Then worry about a new guy. Out of consideration for the BF, be honest. Don't stay with him (or get someone else) in order to not focus on your feelings for your ex--which is easy to do, believe me. Hang in there.