How does one go slow, and still keep interest?<P>I could talk to this woman forever, she is perfect!<P>I think she is the one!!<BR>Is this what dating is supposed to be like?<P>Can someone define slow?<BR>Is it like sitting in the penalty box for a 10 minute major?<P>sportsguy<BR>where's the referee when you need one?

How long have you been divorced? If I remember it is very recent.<P>"I could talk to this woman forever, she is perfect! I think she is the one!!"<P>Lots of other people might give you ideas for going slow, but I won't be one of them. <P>How could you possibly believe she is "the one" after a handful of dates? You hardly know her. Now, I'm not saying that you are incapable of maintaining a life-time commitment with this woman. You might discover the reality of commitment someday with her, after the sparkling fantasy wears off. So, you shouldn't worry about going slow. You don't seem to be that kind of guy. I'm not being sarcastic. I've just come to the realization that there are people who are in love with being "in-love" and they don't have any problems switching partners every so often. Maybe you are one of those people. If so, this is as good as it gets for you, so you need to enjoy it while it lasts.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 11, 2001).]

TheStudent, may I call you TS?<P>I meant that she could be the one to date for a year or more to see if it will survive long term. now she lives beyond regular comuting distance, so its not like i am about to move in tomorrow.<P>I want to start somewhere, and since there is the physical attraction (at least for me), the intellectual compatibility, and she does the fun stuff i like, why shouldn't i try to date her?<P>I have told her already that I can keep my pants zipped (barely) and maybe I shouldn't have. . . . . if she wants or likes sex, and I turn her down, that could ice me pretty quickly.<P>TS, what should i do or not do to find out if she is the one? My OUIJI board is missing, so i feel that actual interaction would be the second most logical method. I do believe in love at first sight, which my first marriage was not even close. <P>Where is ANY base running coach when you need him (or her!) ?<P>sportsguy

Sportsguy,<P>I'll give my take on "falling" for someone so fast as I have/am done/doing the same thing.<P>The first woman I dated really impressed me. When I picked her up she had a baseball game on TV. We went out to dinner and she ordered a beer saying she didn't like wine. When we came home, we watched the NBA finals last summer.<P>All these things were quite interesting to me in that they were exact opposites of my x. I don't remember her ever watching a sporting event with me, let alone two in one night. X was also a wine snob. Had to be an imported or Calif. wine, none of the local stuff. <P>We dated aboout a month and then she sent me a email saying she didn't see it going anyplace beyond friendship and she was looking for more. No harm, no foul here so no big deal.<P>The second woman, was into participating in sports and we played tennis alot and planned to play racquetball and volleyball over the winter. <P>She had 2 kids around my kids age so she was used to staying home or doing something quick. She was energetic and fun. <P>We dated about 2 months and then she dropped the boom on me saying she didn't want to get into a long term relationship with me because she saw some potential problems down the road in regards to how we each raised our kids. I had some questions about differences in religion..<P>All the old pains from the divorce came back and I was depressed for about 2 weeks. I thought this woman had definate possibilities.<P>Now there is woman 3. She is intelligent and well liked. She is very down to earth and not pretentious.<P>Twice we have been traveling and doing other things, when we've decided to go out to eat and both time we went as we were. The one place was at a really nice summer resort hotel. We were both dressed down, but it matter to her or me.<P>Again this is completely opposite from the x. Going out usually ment dressing up and having reservations.<P>What I am rambling on about is that these things about my x never bothered me before. I enjoyed my life with my now x. But because of her affair and the divorce I think I now have drug up reservations about my marriage and how she treated me.<P>So these woman are all different and now seem a whole lot better than my x if at least not different. We even have great conversations, which my x accused me of being poor at.<P>So I think it is a combination of the hurt and resentfulness towards our xs that make these new people so great. I sometimes wonder if this is not the same feeling our xs felt during the affair. If so I guess I can understand why they don't want to give that up.<P>So thats why the advice for taking it slow. Don't rush into a relationship where you will fall head over hills and possibly, I said possibly, make a mistake.<P>As for a time frame, I understand why. But wonder if it serves any purpose. I guess that would allow the resentment, anger to fade away and not cloud your judgement when getting into a new relationship.<P>But I wonder, if it isn't the same? That is, if you wait a 6 months, a year, 2 years to date, aren't you still suceptable to those feelings?<P>Food for thought!!!!<P>Bob<P>ps: By the way, I'm in the same boat you are, we are 70 miles apart plus each of us has 2 kid's schedules running interference also. We are 2 months in together.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited February 11, 2001).]

Well, you sound like I did 6 months ago when I first started dating a guy right after my divorce. We had it all and the chemistry was incredible. We were compatible in every way. It was fun. I felt validated. He felt validated. We both felt wonderful. We both knew the risks. We both said it was worth it. We both were told to slow down but neither of us could do that. We started out with the intention to slow down but were so caught up in how wonderful we felt we just went full steam ahead. <P>If that is where you are at, it really is hard to stop or go slow. Just make sure you are both honest about where you are emotionally and know that the odds are against you for any long term success. But, there is a possibility that it could work out. Still being a hopeless romantic at heart, I had to throw that out.<P> <BR>You may want to go back and read an old post of mine called Dating Again. But, it is a long one. I think there were over 200 posts in all and it probably went on for about a month. I, among quite a few others, shared our stories from start to finish. I started the thread when I was just thinking about dating, then started to date, tried to keep it slow, and then threw caution to the wind shortly thereafter. Most of the whirlwind relationships discussed on that post have now ended but there are at least two that are still going strong. <P>My relationship ended in November. There were unresolved issues that came up that really needed to be resolved before we went any further with the relationship. We do still talk now and then and have agreed to touch base with each other in a few months. <P>I think the hardest thing for me right now is deciding whether I should be dating at all if I am not wanting to be in a committed relationship. I think it is hard to do that these days and at my age. But, I have been told it is possible if you are honest about your feelings and can stick to your boundaries. But, it is definitely hard. Nothing in life is easy. I learned that the hard way.

SportsGuy,<P>I have read some of your posts.<BR>Just my 2 centst here.<P>No, one is saying that you shouldn't date her.I think that if you feel that you are ready then go for it.<P>I don't see anything wrong w/dating,getting to know the person.How else are you going to know if it could last long term.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have told her already that I can keep my pants zipped (barely) and maybe I shouldn't have. . . . . if she wants or likes sex, and I turn her down, that could ice me pretty quickly.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would think that if she respected you and your wishes then she wouldn't push the issue or dump you bc you didn't have sex w/her.<P>Just be upfront and nothing but honest w/her.Tell her what you feel about having sex too soon.[that is if that is what you mean.] <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>TS, what should i do or not do to find out if she is the one?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SportsGuy,just go out w/her have a good time and then see where it goes.It has only been one date.I believe the longer you date someone the better the chance you have of making a decision of wether or not you can live together as H/W.<P>Although,I do have to say there are never any guarantees.I wouldn't be here if that was the case. <P>All that I have learned in the past year is, make sure you look at her upbringing,what was her parents relationship like,religion and so on.<P>Just take it one day at a time.<P>Good luck.<P>Gina<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Sportsguy,<P>You said:<BR>"I do believe in love at first sight, which my first marriage was not even close." <P>IMO, the reason why your first marriage didn't last is because you believe this. You are more in love with being "in-love" than you are the idea of a lasting commitment. You are part of that other 50% of the population who divorces and remarries...probably over and over again. That probably doesn't bother you too much. I'm not judging you. I've just become a little more pragmatic in my "old age". You seem to be the kind of guy who lives through their feelings first, so logical arguments about going slow are pointless. <P>So, my suggestion is not to bother going slow. Your goals are not served by it. As for this woman, she might also be the type who believes in "love at first sight" and will join you in this little adventure. If one of you gets burned, I'm sure neither one of you will be too depressed about looking for someone new. That is just the way you are. <P>The only time someone gets too hurt is if they are the other kind of person. The one who believes in long-term relationships, stability, commitment. Those kind of people don't need to be told how or why to go slow. All they need to do is make sure they don't end up with the wrong kind of person for them, ie. the ones who prefer to live for their feelings. <P>"I have told her already that I can keep my pants zipped (barely) and maybe I shouldn't have. . . . . if she wants or likes sex, and I turn her down, that could ice me pretty quickly."<P>Please don't assume that people who want to wait don't like sex (or want it someday). To the contrary, some of these people believe that sex is better and more intimate after you know someone for quite awhile, or maybe after commitment. As far as your part in things, I'd recommend playing it "safe" (condoms, STD tests, etc.) if you are talking about having sex with someone you hardly know. I personally know two people who have gotten bad cases of herpes. It is no fun to live with this for the rest of your life. Of course, the obvious suggestion would be to be abstinent until you knew her much (much) better, but again, these arguments usually fall on deaf ears. Some people just have to learn the hard way I guess.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 12, 2001).]

OK, what's slow?<P>an in person date every XX weeks? X months?<P>711, do you work in a convenience store?<BR>what was too fast for you? dating every week?<BR>i can't even do that with the kids, and my sports schedule. but since i don't know where your thread is, could you post the link here for me to read? thanx<P>really just looking to have fun, though,<BR>and I haven't purchased my own home yet, currently looking, but prices are still high.<P>so if we live beyond the easy commute, and seeing the person once every month or so, wouldn't that be considered going slow?<P>Plus, if we just did fun stuff together, like hockey games, basketball games, football games, etc, would we then be able to figure out if it is worth being long term friends?<P>OK, i figured since you could call it infatuation, doesn't dating the person or at least spending time with the person serve to bring reality to light?<P>does any one know any relationship offensive and defensive coordinators for hire?<P>sportsguy<P> <p>[This message has been edited by sportsguy (edited February 12, 2001).]

SG,<P>It's not a time frame. It's a state of mind.<P>The once a week, once a month or whatever is completely arbitrary. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 12, 2001).]

No, I don't work in a convenience store. Why did you ask that?<P>I work at an insurance company 35 hours a week, I have 2 kids and share custody with x, so I have every other night and weekend available for myself, friends, dates, etc.<P>I saw the last guy I dated pretty much on all the nights and weekends I didn't have the kids. After dating him for about 4 months, he met my kids on two separate occassions.<P>I think if you are seeing this women once a month, that would be taking it slow from my perspective.<P>For me, taking it slow, is not seeing this guy every oppurtunity I get (which is when I do not have the kids). I now balance out this time (time without kids) between my family, friends, and just being alone to reflect, etc. <P>When I have the kids, it is important that I have one on one time with them.

TheStudent, <P>thanks for clarifying your position, but that's pretty useless advice, nothing concrete, all abstract, open to interpretation.<P><B> Thanks 711! </B> the frequency is kind of what I wanted to know, and at least now I have ONE opinion which I can work on.<BR>I sort of agree that every other night and weekend was too fast, I wasn't contemplating that, unless i was rich. I was thinking once every two months at least or once a month at the most right now. <P>I think that is pretty slow. Any other opinions on SLOW? not states of mind!<P>sportguy<P>this freqency is kind of like the number of time outs in a football match.

sportsguy,<P>The reason it is called "dating" is so you also find out what you "don't" want.<P>Slow....fast....won't matter if you haven't settled things in your own head and heart before "dating". "Dating" will bring dimensions of it's own. Then there are the flashbacks of the "past" you will have to settle in your own head that go along with "dating". Dating is NOT easy believe me and it shouldn't be easy after divorce. The more you know about yourself and what is right, the harder it is because it eliminates many "candidates".<P>Good luck,<P>Ragamuffin

Sportsguy, <P>Reentering the dating scene can be tough, especially if we have been in a committed relationship for a period of time. <P>If once a month works for the two of you, then ok! But what I think you will find is that if you enjoy each others company, you will want to see her more, or she will want to see you more. <P>But the advice about going slow is so important. You must do your own healing, and then begin other relationships. Dating casually is part of getting back into the "swing of things" so to say, but not everyone feels that need, either.<BR> <BR>I found as you start to date, there will be one person who you will want to spend more time with. If both of you are ready, then it may be a good thing. But, too often, we are not ready, or the other person isn't. So, dating again can bring some rejection into your life, and if you have not worked through most of that after divorce, it is like reopening the wounds.<BR> <BR>So, the time frame is really up to each person. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sportsguy,<BR>I am in the same boat as 711, I date when I don't have the kids, basically every other weekend, twice I have go up during the week for dinner and .......(I also work for an insurance company.)<P>We do talk on the phone about every night though.<P>If you are "only" seeing this lady, once a month or so, I would say that is taking it slow. Your initial post sounded like you were ready to propose. Thats the problem with electronic communication, too much can be read into it.<P>I have a problem for Wed(V-day). I have a bball game and I don't have the kids so I could go see lady, but my team needs me(they do!) plus a lot of the guys that play all get together after the games at the local watering hole and brag how good/bad we are. I don't know which I want to do since I can't do both!<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited February 12, 2001).]

sorry, RWD,<P>the game wins, no question.<P>easy decision there, every game is a once in a life time event to score goals, hit home runs, to be the winning quarterback.<P>there are women for all the non sports days.<P>sportguy<BR>true to the screen name.

Aw, sportsguy....<P>Valentines Day only happens once a year....<BR>Games are all the time!!!<P>Bob, <BR>Has she hinted any about V Day?? If you guys have been seeing a fair amount of each other, she may feel slighted if you don't do something with her on Wed. Could she come to your game and then the two of you do something after together??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sportsguy, I like how you think!!!!!<P>Hi Sue,<P>No she hasn't said anything about Vday. No she can't come down as she has her kids everynight of the week as her x only takes them on every other weekend. I'm going up for the weekend from about noon Sat till noon Sun.<P>I left that I don't have the kids that night out of the conversation so far. Part of me wants to go up, but then I will have to drive back late.<P>I did order her flowers today to be delievered at her work. I ordered her a mixed bouquet that does have some roses in them. I'm not ready to go the dozen roses as of yet.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited February 12, 2001).]

Bob, <BR>Good call.....she will enjoy the flowers, but yet you haven't made the BIG step to all roses....<P>Sportsguy...<BR>Ok, now I am beginning to understand you!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sportsguy,<P>Someone said:<P>"Slow....fast....won't matter if you haven't settled things in your own head and heart before "dating"."<P>The reason why I didn't give you a specific time-frame is because I get the impression you are looking for some magic formula. Like, going out once a month means you are automatically "going slow". It's not how often you date, it is WHY you are dating that needs to be considered.<P>I'm sorry that this is so frustrating for you. I wish I had the answer for you. Unfortunately, human relationships are abstract and ambiguous. Neither I nor anyone else here can tell you what to do with your life. There is no set formula. My only suggestion is to focus on truly getting to know this woman rather than setting up arbitrary deadlines. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 13, 2001).]