I posted a couple weeks ago about struggling to encourage my depressed H to get on anti-depressants. We had just separated for the second time and I couldn't figure it out I've done everything good and supportive for him for 8 months. After a week on the meds, last Thurs. he confessed to a 6 month affair. My heart said, "of course" I had asked him repeatedly (and more repeatedly) if there was someone else. "No, you can trust me" This said looking deeply into my eyes, albeit with troubled, depressed eyes.<p>Well, he's says he ended it before he came home in Oct. and that wasn't why he left on New Years, but of course he has seen her several times (they exchanged gifts). They work in the same complex, but not the same building. Anyway, I went into forgiveness mode. I love him, although I'm completely sick of him. And I gave him probably one of the craziest ultimatums possible. (I know ultimatums are terrible, but I really didn't care and I was ready for either outcome.) Most people kick the unfaithful out? mine was out. I told him either he came home that night or I was filing for divorce the next day and by the way did he know our state requires a restraining order? And through a weird coincidence I had a do-it-yourself Divorce kit in my briefcase which I flung at him (the paperbound book, not the briefcase) <p>He came home. We talked for hours and hours Fri, Sat, Sun. We went through the MB colums on infidelity. I was dealing with my feelings of betrayal and the horrid images and staying compassionate and loving. It didn't work. Forgiveness wasn't enough. I came home at noon on Mon., he had gone and gotten his stuff from where he had been staying (not her place) but he hadn't brought it into the house and he had that blank, depressed look in his eyes. And began saying "I don't know if I can do this" This after 3 days of telling me that if I could accept him back he would work so hard on the marriage and regaining my trust. Again I tried love and compassion and prayer. He just kept shaking his head and being distance. I've been through his separation tactics twice. I knew he was just about to leave again.<p>I lost it. 8 months of anger poured out. I said fine we'll separate but you take the house and the kids and the bills and the schedules, I'm leaving. You're tied down, I'm free and I'm going to do every single horrid despicable thing you have done to me and I went on in lurid detail. I had noticed the odd things he has done for 6 months and recounted every single thing in the context of his affair. It was angry, hate-filled and the most dreadful thing I have ever done.<p>BUT he began disagreeing with me, saying he would stay. So I moved onto attacking his character flaws and that he wasn't capable, man enough to have a marriage with me. It was unbelievable, the worse I got, the calmer and more himself he got, just holding me (gently restraining me from violence more like) until hours later, he was totally committed to our marriage and I was still on the verge of packing up. He was love and committment personified last night and this morning, but I don't trust a thing he says although I have said I won't move out right now. (I was dead serious that he's staying with the kids this time. He is a good dad. And besides, I would pop in daily, just like he has)<p>Anyway, is there any hope after a scene like this? Please don't tell me I've done the wrong thing. There is no changing what either he or I have done. I just want to find a way to go on.<br>

Lor,<p>As bad as what you've done sounds, it seems like you may have accomplished some good things in the process.<p>Now he knows how much he's hurt you. You got to vent a bit (OK, a lot!) and he seems to be responding positively. <p>Now that you've "punished" him a bit for what he did, maybe he'll be better able to forgive himself for what he has done. (Could be that his shame and guilt are why he is/was so depressed.) You said he became more like his old self as you let him have it. Hmmm, maybe he though you didn't care enough before - now he know how much he means to you. Do you think you "cured" his depression? That'd be neat if bawling somebody out cured depression. (can you picture the therapy sessions?! )<p>You'll both have apolgies and fence mending to do now, but for as big an outburst as it was, things sound better than before you spoke your mind. (It sounds like what you were keeping inside was doing a lot of damage to you - better that you let it out!)<p>It sounds like you're both willing to work things out now, go through the books and enjoy yourselves as you refill each other's "love banks"!<p>Val<br>(the Husband)

You bet depression can come from the shame and guilt one feels from having an affair! Ask Carol, ask Sea Jay ... And I believe that depression can be a *causative* factor for an affair as well - it doesn't allow you to react in a normal fashion to bad times with your spouse, it causes you to spiral downward and sometimes you blame your spouse and need to find something to make you feel good - and often the thing that does it is another person... until you realize what it is that you have done.<p>A friend's h left her abruptly and moved into his own apartment. He told her he needed space - yes, to wallow in his guilt. He had been having an affair, but the guilt didn't hit him until it was over!<p>It'll be tough to trust him again, but if he's willing to work like a dog, and you are, too, it can work, I think.<p>Best wishes to you...<p>terri

Lor,<p>my only comment is : GOOD FOR YOU!!<p>i think we women (& victims of affairs) tend to hold it all in or try to be the nice guy. i'm glad you expressed your feelings! i hope things are going well. take care.

Thanks Val, Terri & Disillusioned.<p>My H really seems to have set his mind on staying. He's says he needed my anger and blame. And maybe I feel a little better for having let it out, but I have remorse for having been absolutely viscious. I have no recommendations for what I did, it could have turned very violent & more destructive had my H not reacted as he did. And the things I said are haunting him. He asked me last night if I've made any plans to move out. I don't want to move out and told him I would make plans only if he went back to his distancing. <p>More woes. Our 13 year old has really been giving him a hard time. He left the first time the day after her birthday and she has taken it really personally. She will hardly speak to him other than to talk back and otherwise show her pain.(Anyone with a teenage girl will know how brutal that is!) So we had a long talk last night about the kids. They were the only thing that interested him in the house during our separations so I have done a lot of talking with the girls to smooth his time with them. But now he has to face that although he called or saw them almost daily, they feel he abandoned them as well.<p>He's seeing our pastor today because he has lied to him as well. We've both seen our pastor individually. Then we will begin marriage counselling again, this time with our pastor (who is good at it). I'm seeing our old counselor tomorrow to work through some of my pain and anger. I don't feel he has been the best match for our problems, but at least I don't have to explain from square 1.<p>Well, onto mending and healing. I take great comfort in Dr. Harley's words that one shouldn't trust one's spouse. I doubt I ever will again.