Our sex life is sporadic at best. Perhaps 2 times a month. I love this man with all my heart and just figure out why his libido is so low (hes 37) and healthy. We get along great in every area except this one. I call it the gray area. He asked me to marry him but I am really concernced about the sex issue. I would like it more often then not and would never consider having a affair even if my needs are not met. Can this marriage work out? Any answers and help would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

bigbatsgirl,<p>having been married 11 years, i can attest to the fact that it is still working, although it is not easy !! <p>we have two lovely kids, but sex (or lack thereof) has always been a problem. I would like it a few times a week; we've had it a few times a year !! there have always been reasons & excuses, but it has not improved. like you, i refuse to have an affair, although i have come close a few times. It seems that i have put myself in situations (maybe to see if I'm still attractive to women ???), so the issue is always there. It's just a question of how you (both) deal with it. <p>So, to answer your question, it can be done, but it will ALWAYS be an issue that you will have to deal with. I do worry that some day I will give up & end up divorced, although it sounds pretty shallow of me to think of getting a divorce for this reason. <p>Sex is not the most important thing in ones life, but it certainly is one of the top 5 of so areas that you and your significant other should have some common ground.<p>As you can see, i sound confused!!<p>Good LucK !!<p>nick

I've been married 6 years and have the same problem too. I started talking to him about it (I even wrote him a letter) and then, finally in the last year, I just quit making ANY sexual advances towards him. I got sick and tired of being rejected in that area or ignored. Believe it or not; for one reason or another (God? Prayer?) all of a sudden he has started initiating sex a few times a week (and I can promise you it was sometimes 2 or 3 months) - and for no reason whatsoever. So, maybe it just took me giving up to make him "think" there might be a real problem and it has changed on its own. I'm not complaining!

some of you may already know my story,or parts of it. but, to sum it up, my husband left after nine years of marriage ( i thought it was a great marriage).. since he left, he has been able to tell me that our sex life (MAYBE once a month) was not satisfactory to him...for the LAST FIVE YEARS!!!!UGH!!!<p>anyhow, i have struggled with the pain of that. i have also learned that, after years of not being satisfied sexually, his mind started to wander, and now he has feelings for someone else. i believe that my lack of interest in sex is part of what caused him to become distant and start thinking that the grass could be greeneer somewhere else.<p>boy, if i could turn back the hands of time... well, my point is that YES, you probably WILL end up having an affair or wanting a divorce if sex is that important and you're not satisfied in your marriage. it's to late for me, but if everything else is good in your relationship, then PLEASE talk with your spouses. complete the emotional neeeds and love busters questionnaires IMMEDIATELY. you MUST let your spouse know how important this is to you. i wish my H would have screamed it at me! show your spouse these posts; do whatever it takes. i'm very serious. i think my marriage could have been saved if my H would have told me before he really distanced himself. i asked him once why he never said anything before all of this. his response???...."I didn't think it was this serious". UGH!

disillusioned,<p>sorry to hear about your relationship ending...<p>isn't this sometimes just a big pain in tyhe a-- ?!! I mean, i DO talk to my wife regularly, so she knows exactly where i stand, but no change ! <p>but, like anything else, it takes two to tango, so all we can do is keep trying !<p>Cndy, glad to hear that yours is starting to work at it !! I've tried that also, but still no response. So, the other night, i did the explaining routine AGAIN, and told her that our marriage is nowhere near as good as she thinks it is for specific reasons, but that i DO want it to get better, so I'd like to go to counseling. guess what, no response !!? so what does that tell you ??? not interested ? doesn't think it's a problem ? how could one not think it's a problem when it comes up every month or two ? She has siad to me that she wouldn't be surprised if i had an affair, because of the way i talk about sex. I've told her that i've had many oppurtunities, but i'm not interested in taking them. I WANT her, not someone else ! <p>sorry for the whinin', but i guess sometimes this just gets to me.<p>Hugs to all ! have a great day !<p>Nick<p>

I had tried quite a few times to get my husband to go to counseling too, to no avail. Honestly, he thinks we don't have any problems (and on the other hand, maybe I over exaggerate problems?) - so I have backed off and my backing off has driven him so much closer to me. He has tried so much harder to make this marriage work (and it is) and he knows how committed I am to working all problems out. I think partly he doesn't want to recognize or admit that he has faults too - and maybe hope we can overcome them without help. I think getting help is an insult to his ego or something - because like I said, since I have backed off talking about the relationship and how to better it - it has really improved a lot. Also, I truly believe that our needs and wants are so different that its hard for couples to find that happy medium. I know I have to bend to some of his ways - and he has really started bending to some of mine. <br>It is really hard to not get responses out of them though - it DOES make you feel like its not important to them - but maybe your wife doesn't want to admit fault or problems? I'm just not an expert in that area as I have struggled like you to get responses from him that are meaningful to me. Hang in there . . . maybe she will start changing on her own like my spouse.

I'll tell you what happened to me. I would put on sexy lingerie, and he didn't seem that interested. We would have sex (when he didn't have a headache, but he still didn't seem that into it. So, after quite a few times of his apparent indifference, I got very self-concious. I stopped initiating pretty much altogether, and needless to say, when we did have sex, I wasn't able to enjoy it to the fullest either. Then I discovered he was hitting the porn on the net, and so I felt SURELY it WAS ME!!! He wasn't attracted to me, that was why he hardly seemed interested. But it turns out, that he just had real problems expressing desire to a woman. He was brought up not to talk about sex, that talking about it or expressing it vocally in any way was wrong, so he basically just went through the motions of it without letting me know (or any of his past relationships) how much he was turned on. I wasn't used to that, especially after being with someone for almost 4 years who had NO trouble letting me know how desirable I was!! Once he started letting me know, by the way he looked at me, things he said, compliments he'd make, etc., I started responding more again. Men, make sure you let your wives know you desire them sexually as well as mentally!!! If they think you're not attracted to them, that they're not pretty enough, (also partly due to the 5 millions messages we get a day in the media that we're NOT), then they WILL NOT respond!!!!

Well, it's obvious (good or bad) that i'm not alone. Just recently married & not having the kind of sex life that either of us want. He's in his late 40"s & i'm in my mid 30"s.. We're discussed it & are seeking a marital seminar on intimacy. Would appreciate any thoughts.

Well, at least your husband is willing to do<br>something to improve your sex life. When I mentioned that we do something like that we had such a fight, it made me feel worse.HOpe the seminar goes great for you and your spouse. I will answer back.